


Wife Swap

by fuckboibam



Series: Kpop as Reality TV [1]
Category: GOT7, 방탄소년단 | Bangtan Boys | BTS
Genre: Fluff, Fluff and Crack, Group Chat Fic, I'm Sorry, Kid Fic, M/M, Memes, Texting, This entire thing is a mess, Wife Swap AU, lapslock, sassy jinyoung, shitpost to the extreme
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-19
Updated: 2018-03-10
Packaged: 2018-11-16 03:25:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 20
Words: 37,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11245344
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fuckboibam/pseuds/fuckboibam
Summary: A Wife Swap AU featuring BTS and GOT7 as families who are not ready for the shenanigans that this Wife Swap episode is about to cause.  Or, the one where Jin switches families with Jinyoung, and absolutely no one was ready for sassy parent!Jinyoung and actual mom!Jin.jinyoung: anyway the cameras are coming tomorrowjinyoung: and all of you curse like you don’t even know proper languagegyeommie: wow i wonder why that isjinyoung: don’t interrupt me you little shit





	1. The Day Before

**Author's Note:**

> This fic needs a foreword of sorts, so here I go... 
> 
> Basically, this fic takes place in an episode of Wife Swap, between GOT7 and BTS. Jin and Jinyoung being the wives who are switched for two weeks. The plot is told through meme-y groupchats between the adopted children of JJP and Namjin, the family members, and the couples themselves. This is a really ridiculous idea for a fic, but once I started discussing this with my friend, we couldn't stop. 
> 
> mark & suga – 21, going to college but live at home  
> jackson and hoseok – 18, in senior year  
> jimin, taehyung – 17, junior year  
> youngjae – 16 but turns 17 during fic, junior year  
> bambam, yugyeom, and jungkook – 15, in sophomore year

**double b added gyeommie, jflawless, sunshine youngjae, mark, kookie, hobi, suga, tae and jimin to ‘kiddos’**

**double b:** hey i thought we could talk about what happens with this thing u kno?

 **gyeommie:** good idea, bam!

 **kookie:** we can help each other out!

 **suga:** this is gonna get annoying real fast

 **mark:** right

 **tae:** shut up yoongz

 **tae:** ur annoying too, don’t be mean to every1 bc you don’t get it

 **mark:** lol, yeah yoongz

 **suga:** shut up mark

 **jimin:** this might be a good experience for mom and dad

 **sunshine:** we call our parents mom and dad too lol

 **tae:** which one is ur mom tho?

 **jflawless:** jinyoung ofc

 **hobi:** our mom is jin

 **double b:** we literally all could have guessed that

 **gyeommie:** he makes u all lunch

 **gyeommie:** for my lunch today, mom gave me five dollars and told me to fuck myself

 **double b:**   :(

 **double b:**  for my lunch today,  i got told to fuck myself and nothing else

 **mark:** lol suck it

 **jimin:** anybody else just realise how bad of an idea this is?

 **tae:** yep

 **suga:** yeah

 **kookie:** im afraid.

 **mark:** you’ll be fine, just as long as you don’t get too clingy

 **jflawless:** jinyoung hates it

 **jimin:** oh shit

 **sunshine:** its not too bad i promise

 **double b:** :( :( :(

 **jimin:** starts tomorrow, are you all ready?

 **jflawless:** well fuck

 **jflawless:** no, im not ready

 **mark:** why are u worried jackson, we’re getting a mom who will cook for us and be nice

 **mark:** im more worried for the the others

 **mark:** good luck kiddos.

 **double b:**  bitch u right. Good luck fam

 **kookie:** this is why im scared

 

 

 

 

 

 

**jinyoung added jaebum, mark, sunshine, jflawless, double b, and gyeommie to ‘park and the shitheads’**

**jinyoung:** alright losers listen up

 **jinyoung:** the cameras get here tomorrow

 **jaebum:** cant it be called park-im and the shitheads?

 **double b:** im not a shithead!!

 **jinyoung:** are you fucking serious rn

**jinyoung: changed the name to park-im and the shitheads**

**jinyoung:** there are you happy

 **jaebum:** thanks babe

 **jflawless:** u know were all park-im

 **jflawless:** so whos the shitheads

**jaebum changed the name to jjp and the shitheads**

**gyeommie:** god damn it jackson

 **jinyoung:** can you all just shut your mouths for a second

 **sunshine:** sorry momma!

 **jinyoung:** not you honey you’re perfect

**jinyoung changed the name to jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**double b:** u guys are unbelievable

 **mark:** thanks mom

 **mark:** now you were trying to say something?

 **jinyoung:** yes thank you baby

 **jinyoung:** anyway the cameras are coming tomorrow

 **jinyoung:** and all of you curse like you don’t even know proper language

 **gyeommie:** wow i wonder why that is

 **jinyoung:** don’t interrupt me you little shit

 **jinyoung:** so i need you to keep it pg-13 okay

 **jinyoung:** no cursing, no violence, no sex talk

 **jaebum:** that’s literally all we do tho

 **jinyoung:** cant you take my fuckin side for once?

 **jaebum:** okay babe

 **jaebum:** real talk though

 **jaebum:** if we ever debut as a family band, we should name ourselves jjp + markjae and the shitheads

 **jinyoung:** i swear to god youre so lucky youre good in bed

 **jaebum:** yea i am ;)

 **jaebum:** i’m happy to remind you when you get home

 **jflawless:** _we’re all still here_

 **double b:** ew dad

 **gyeommie:** bambam its not like we havent all experienced this shit before

 **jinyoung:** exactly bitch, stop complaining.

 **double b:** really tho what should we call our fam

 **double b:** you know when ppl say ‘oh theres 4 ppl in our family

 **double b:** we could be ‘our family’s got7’

 **jflawless:** wat

 **gyeommie:** yooooooo

 **jinyoung:** that’s the dumbest fucking thing you’ve ever said

 **jinyoung:** and we adopted you as a 2 year old

 **jinyoung:** what fuckin loser group is called got7

 

 

 

 

 

 

**gourmet mom: added rap monster, tae, jimin, hobi, suga, and kookie to ‘bangtan boys’**

 

 **gourmet mom:** hey kiddos

 **rap monster:** hey!!!

 **gourmet mom:** and my handsome husband

 **jimin:** aw cute

 **gourmet mom:** i know right

 **gourmet mom:** anyway, i have gathered you here because i wanted to talk to you about the next few weeks

 **gourmet mom:** i know its weird, and youre probably wondering why we decided to do this

 **gourmet mom:**  the answer is that my time has finally come

 **gourmet mom:** this is my time to shine. I’m going to be famous

 **gourmet mom:** so don’t any of you dare ruin this for me

 **rap monster:** :/

 **gourmet mom:** regardless of what happens, you are all to be welcoming to jinyoung.

 **gourmet mom:** even if he is a bit of a handful sometimes.

 **kookie:** mom don’t go please i don’t want to starve

 **gourmet mom:** you arent going to starve, goodness.

 **kookie:** jinyoung doesn’t make lunch for bambam and yugyeom tho

 **gourmet mom:** you are incredibly lucky that i make lunch for you everyday. maybe you can finally learn to cook for yourselves

 **jimin:** mom i don’t think that’s a good idea

 **tae:** do you not remember last time?

 **jimin:** dad set fire to the kitchen.

 **gourmet mom:** well don’t let your father into the kitchen then. you’ll be fine.

 **rap monster:** hey!

 **rap monster:** i can cook without setting the kitchen on fire.

 **gourmet mom:** doubtful.

 **jimin:** lol burn dad

 **rap monster:** :(

 **gourmet mom:** either way, yoongi and jimin, i’m leaving the kitchen in your hands. if your dad tries to cook, just slap him with a spatula or something

 **jimin:** got it

 **tae:** what about me?

 **gourmet mom:** honey you’re in charge of being cute. you just sit and look cool, okay?

 **tae:** stop patronising me!!

 **tae:** but okay

 **gourmet mom:** are you reading this, hobi and yoongi?

 **suga:** yes mom

 **hobi:** yeaaaa

 **gourmet mom:** well anyway. make jinyoung feel welcome, and make sure you all do your chores everyday. i don’t want jinyoung to think that this house is a mess all of the time

 **suga:** it is a mess

 **gourmet mom:** well who’s fault is that?

 **jimin:** sorry mom :(

 **tae:** sorry mom

 **suga:** sorry mom

 **hobi:** sorry mom

 **kookie:** sorry mom

 **rap monster:** sorry bae

 **gourmet mom:** back to my rules.

 **gourmet mom:** don’t destroy the kitchen, no screaming after 10.

 **gourmet mom:** no bullying your brothers either (i'm talking to you jungkook)

 **gourmet mom:** and don’t forget to record masterchef for the next two weeks in case i don’t get to watch it over there.

 **gourmet mom:** also, joonie, please don’t take the kids on wednesday. i know it’s a usual thing, but i don’t want jinyoung to think im a bad parent who lets the kids go to underground rap clubs

 **tae:** but mom, i don’t want to miss out on yoongi’s new mixtape. 

 **gourmet mom:** hoseok will record it for you.

 **gourmet mom:** oh and another important rule

 **gourmet mom:** no overwatch marathons.

 **kookie:**  but mom

 **tae:** dad plz

 **gourmet mom:** no buts! lol get it

 **rap monster:** lol good one

 **hobi:** god damn it

 **kookie:** seriously

 **gourmet mom:** that’s a quarter for the swear jar, hoseok!

 **hobi:**??? its not even a swear tho?

 **gourmet mom:** yes it is

 **suga:** you never listened to my music, did you?

 **gourmet mom:** …….

 **gourmet mom:** that’s not the point.

 

 


	2. Day One - Cameras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> the cameras arrive to film the 'before' part of the episode. jinyoung is a bitch.

**kiddos**

 

 **jimin:** since were all so scared of jinyoung, is there anything that you can tell us to make this easier

 **double b:** some of us are still trying to work that out

 **mark:** the best time to ask him for something is after dinner, because he’s probably already had a glass of wine or two

 **gyeommie:** don’t ask him to do stuff for you.

 **gyeommie:** like this morning when the cameras got here, he started making lunch because i asked him to.

 **gyeommie:** but when the camera dudes took a break, he took my lunch back and literally said ‘psych bitch you can starve’

 **mark:** lol that was a good lunch too

 **kookie:** oh no!! is that why you had some of mine?

 **gyeommie:** yeah obvs

 **double b:** he likes to pick on the younger kids, so don’t provoke him

 **mark:** call jinyoung mom when u want something, it always works

 **double b:** not for me :( :(

 **jflawless:** that’s because you annoy him most of the time

 **mark:** you too jackson, don’t even try that.

 **jflawless:** :/

 **hobi:** moving on!!

 **hobi:** jin is really embarrassing.

 **tae:** well, both of them are really embarrassing.

 **jimin:** they make us watch their wedding video like once a month

 **suga:** we’re all really sick of the video.

 **jflawless:** at least your parents are nice to each other

 **jflawless:** ive literally heard jinyoung tell jb to fuck off mulitiple times today

 **jimin:** well, once i walked in on them doing it.

 **tae:** yeah it was bad

 **gyeommie:** once

 **double b:** _once_

 **mark:** once

 **mark:** cute

 **gyeommie:** o n c e

 **jflawless:** once they walked into my room and started doing it while i was still there

 **tae:** my god

 **suga:** im so sorry

 **suga:** are you guys like, okay?

 **double b:** yeah mostly.

 **sunshine:** yeah of course! everything is going to be fine, jinyoung isnt bad.

 **mark:** lol

 **jflawless:** lol

 **double b:** lol

 **gyeommie:** lol

 **hobi:** back to the advice!!!!!!!!

 **hobi:** if jin makes a joke during dinner, or just before, your best bet is to laugh

 **jimin:** he gets upset if no one laughs

 **tae:** makes dinner real awkward.

 **double b:** is that the only thing?

 **gyeommie:** basically my entire life up to this point is a learning experience as to not annoy jinyoung

 **double b:** same

 **jflawless:** same

 **jflawless:** for example, once he’s chosen favourites, theres no going back.

 **jflawless:** i made cookies for him once, and he ate all of them and then told me that ‘cookies arent going to make me love you’

 **suga:** savage

 **double b:** you have no idea

 **sunshine:** theyre mostly joking, jinyoung doesn’t have favourites

 **double b:** says the favourite :/

 **gyeommie:** earlier to the camera, jinyoung was going on about how i won that dance competition last year, and how proud of me he was

 **gyeommie:** and then they went to film something else and he literally pulled my chair out as i tried to sit down

 

 

the camera people had forced all of the park-im family onto the small couch in their living room for their interview. jinyoung and jaebum were sat in the middle between jackson and mark, and the other kids, youngjae, bambam, and yugyeom sat on the floor in the front of them.

‘so before we start filming, we’re basically going to ask you a few questions, and then you can just have a chat while we make sure we have everything. we have filmed some stuff, including individual interviews, we just need you to talk about your family, and get along like you usually do.’  the man telling them what to do motioned to the other people, telling them to start filming.

‘i’m jinyoung park-im . this is my husband, jaebum, and our five adopted children, mark, jackson, youngjae, bambam, and yugyeom.’  jinyoung smiled at his husband, as the kids all waved.

‘five kids, that’s a lot. why five?’ the man behind the camera asked.

‘well, originally jinyoung didn’t want kids, but i convinced him to get one.’ jaebum started, remembering the events that took place so long ago.

‘so we got mark, and he was perfect, so we got jackson a year and a half later.’

‘and then i told mom and dad that i wanted another brother, so we got youngjae.’ mark said.

‘and then yugy and i didn’t have a place to stay, so we stayed here for a while before mom and dad decided to adopt us’ bambam told them, gesturing to him and yugyeom.

‘are you going to get any more kids, or is this it for you?’

‘god no, i didn’t want any of these rascals in the first place.’ jinyoung winked at the camera man, who looked slightly put off by this.

‘so what is your home life like? crazy, strict, fun, that sorta thing.’

‘we’re all very different, so we get along well. i’m quite loud, whereas mark is more the quiet type. the only two who are really similar are yugyeom and bambam, and that’s because mom and dad made the mistake of letting them share a room. they’re the crazy ones.’ jackson told them.

‘like you can talk, jackson.’ youngjae interjected. bambam and yugyeom started arguing with jackson, who was beginning to yell at youngjae.

‘alright, alright, i think we’ve got everything, if you guys just want to sit there and chill for five minutes, i’ll make sure we’ve got everything before we can get out of your hair for your last night together.’ the camera dude got up and went to talk with the other two people in the room.

jinyoung immediately moved his leg, shoving bambam’s head that was leaning on it to the side.

‘mom. why.’ bambam groaned, grabbing his neck.

‘i didn’t want your gross hair product on my jeans. they were expensive, you know.’

‘they’re also mine so…’ mark told him, inspecting them closer.

‘oh sorry sweetie. must have mixed them up with my ones.’ bambam, yugyeom and jackson simultaneously roll their eyes, stretching from their positions on the floor. the camera guy walked back over, smiling at them.

‘we’ve got everything, so you’re all free to chill out and spend your last night together. good luck!’ the camera man and the others assembled their stuff, before leaving the room.

‘alright, good night.’ jinyoung got up from the couch, walking towards his and jaebum’s room.

‘don’t you want to spend time with us before you leave tomorrow?’ youngjae asked, pouting at jinyoung.

‘yeah, we want to spend some time with you before you arent here for two weeks.’ jackson

‘bitch who do you think i am? a parent who cares for his children?’ jinyoung stops in the hallway before he walked into his room.

‘mom, please?’ youngjae whines. jinyoung begins walking back to the couch and sitting down.

‘fine, but this is only for youngjae. the rest of you can suck my ass.’

‘i thought youd never ask.’ jaebum winks at his husband, as the kids all start groaning.

‘that’s it, im out. i cant take this anymore.’ jackson stood up and walked out of the room.

‘why did any of us think that family time was a good idea?’ yugyeom moaned.

‘don’t be rude!’ jinyoung yelled at him, hitting him with a cushion that was sitting on the armrest of the chair.

 

 

 

**kiddos**

**gyeommie:** please can yall just take jinyoung forever, i don’t want him back

 **double b:** lol

 

 

 

 

 

**bangtan boys**

**gourmet mom:** can the kiddos please all assemble in the kitchen. i need your help

 **suga:** are the cameras still here?

 **gourmet mom:** yep

                                                                ~a small while later~

 **jimin:** i cant believe you made us watch a documentary together at 3 in the afternoon.

 **tae:** i thought it was interesting!

 **suga:** and not at all what we usually do

 **kookie:** i just missed out on like, an hour and a half of overwatch

 **hobi:** its not like we ever do that normally

 **gourmet mom:** the neighbours might end up watching this

 **gourmet mom:** they already think im not as good a parent bc you kiddos don’t have a ‘real mother’

 **rap monster:** i think you’re a great mom, jinnie

 **kookie:** yeah youre a great mom, can i go back to playing overwatch now?

 **gourmet mom:** you are all so ungrateful

 **gourmet mom:** this is going to teach you all a lesson. 

 **gourmet mom:** you’ll have jinyoung for two weeks and be begging for me to come back.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

**rap monster added jinyoung, jaebum and gourmet mom to ‘regrets.jpeg’**

**rap monster:** anyone have any questions before tomorrow

 **jinyoung:** yeah, why is your name rap monster?

 **rap monster:** because its my stage name

 **jinyoung:** oh okay

 **rap monster:** i meant questions about the kids tho…

 **jaebum:** oh right.

 **jaebum:** um

 **jinyoung:** who is your favourite child, i don’t want to give the others false hopes

 **gourmet mom:** we love all our kids equally

 **jaebum:** ……

 **jinyoung:** of course! so do we, hahaha

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I realise that I have characterised jinyoung as such a bitch. i know he probably isnt, but its really fun to write so...
> 
> Also!! this got popular so quickly?? thank you!!! it means a lot that my dumb meme writing has been read by so many people omg. 
> 
> find me on tumblr @fuckboibam, and my memey best friend who helps me write @catladyjaebum. we also have a blog @shitkpopfanssay about the things we have said via chat about these idiots so...


	3. Day Two - The Swap Begins

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so my co writer and I hand wrote out the 'house rules' for both families, but in the spirit of technology hating me, no matter what I do, I can't embed the photos, so you can find the Park-Im one here: http://imgur.com/QaVCCRe and here: http://imgur.com/T42CK0p 
> 
> the kim family one can be found here: http://imgur.com/suWRXau
> 
> they are worth the read, I promise.

 

**rap monster messaged gourmet mom**

 

 **rap monster:** shit, jinyoungs car just got here

 **rap monster:** oh boy

 **gourmet mom:** chill out , you get to stay in your own house with the kids

 **gourmet mom:** i have to live in this house

 **gourmet mom:**   with grumpy jaebum

 **rap monster:** and you think that jinyoung is going to be better?

 **gourmet mom:** i suppose you have me there.

 

 

 

**jinyoung messaged jaebum**

 

 **jinyoung:** so im snooping in their room

 **jinyoung:** its surprisingly clean

 **jaebum:** of what?

 **jaebum:** of course they cleaned up

 **jinyoung:** not that you idiot

 **jinyoung:** im looking for sex toys

 **jinyoung:** obviously

 **jaebum:** isnt that intruding too much

 **jinyoung:** no of course not

 **jinyoung:** this is the only reason i accepted this specific couple

 **jinyoung:** so i can snoop on the ‘perfect’ couple

 **jinyoung:** im convinced that namjoon has a daddy kink and i will find the proof

 **jaebum:** next time, on sick sad world.

 **jinyoung:** oh hey by the way

 **jinyoung:**   when you’re not busy today

 **jinyoung:** can you please work out at the house instead of going to the gym? just do some shirtless pushups or something.

 **jaebum:** yeah sure but why

 **jinyoung:** i want all the basic bitches from the neighbourhood council to know that i got the hottest husband around here’

 **jaebum:** lol okay

 

 

**jinyoung messaged rap monster**

 

 **jinyoung:** i just walked into a bedroom that i thought was the master bedroom but i was clearly mistaken

 **jinyoung:** there are stuffed toys all around this fucking room. including on the bed.

 **rap monster:** no that’s the right room

 **jinyoung:** can we get rid of them

 **jinyoung:** i feel like im being watched.

 **jinyoung:** how do you have sex in here?

 **rap monster:** ……

 **jinyoung:** oh i see

 **jinyoung:** youre into being watched

 **jinyoung:** that’s none of my business ;)

 **rap monster:** no we’re not, please stop

 **jinyoung:** its totally okay if you are

 **jinyoung:** me and jb totally fucked in the hallway last year at jimin’s birthday party

 **rap monster:** what

 

dinner with jinyoung and the kim family was a lot more awkward than jinyoung had expected. jinyoung, until he collected his own family, had never really been a ‘kid person.’  he’d barely spent any time with kids but his own, and so the Kim family was an entirely new experience.

His own rules and Jin’s were incredibly different, and so Jinyoung was finding it difficult to adjust to such a constrasted situation to his own.

the kids werent responding very well to jinyoung either. the younger three kids were staring at jinyoung constantly, not even looking down to eat their food. hobi was trying his best to start conversation with jinyoung, but even he couldn’t help the uncomfortable silence in the room.

‘alright, i’ve had enough of this. i know all of your names, but like. tell me something interesting about yourselves, please. this is f-‘ jinyoung stopped briefly. ‘uh, freakin ridiculous.’

‘you have to put a quarter in the swear jar.’ namjoon grinned across the table at his new husband for the next two weeks.

‘i didn’t even swear? and, i don’t have a quarter. i gave the last of my cash to mark to buy the kids snacks for the next two weeks. i was worried that jin wouldn’t let them have junk food for a while. bambam cant live without his seaweed chip things.’  jinyoung told them, continuing to eat his food.

‘no excuses. you have to put a quarter in the jar. or an iou.’ jimin said.

‘alright fine! anyway, tell me about you as a family. you guys are clearly very different to my kids.’ there was momentary silence.

‘i like rap music, i work as a dj and a fire mixtape producer.’ yoongi scoffed at his dad.

‘he’s an okay producer. personally, i think i’m way better. oh,  i prefer to be called suga. i go to college, and i work at the record store near their school,’ yoongi guestured to his brothers. ‘i don’t think there’s anything else.’

‘i do dance. and i sing, but like, not well.’ jimin up at jinyoung, smiling shyly.

‘oh shut up chim chim, your voice is like, angels.’ hoseok told him, poking his side. 

‘i dance like them, obviously, i prefer  hobi. hoseok makes me feel like im in trouble. oh and i like watching movies, so if you wanna watch something one time?’ hoseok grinned at jinyoung as he finished his sentence.

‘dancing, video games, memes. ’ jungkook told jinyoung, laughing. almost the whole table rolled their eyes.

‘so you’re like yugyeom and bambam then.’  jinyoung asked, taking another mouthful of food.

‘yeah but better.’ jungkook added.

‘i like acting. im in the school play right now, so i have practice all the time, and no time to do anything else. oh, i like singing.  and following yoongi around sometimes.’ tae says finally. yoongi looks down at the table, scowling at his younger brother. jinyoung ignores the last part of taehyungs answer, remembering the information that jin had left for him.

‘you’re all very interesting, and talented! i wish my kids were all like, into the same sorta stuff. ive got a dancing kid, a fashion kid, a kid who fences, and my angels who are good at everything. you have that showcase coming up, right jungkook?’

‘yeah, i do. im not dancing with yugy or bambam though. im doing a solo piece, because it’s better for my chances to get a scholarship’

‘isnt it a bit early for that shit?’ jinyoung asked, frowning at jungkook. he hadnt even thought about college for his two youngest, but jungkook was already looking at scholarships.

‘swear jar’ tae reminded him, pointing to the jar on the edge of the kitchen bench.

‘oh my god, by the end of this week, namjoon, i will have funded all of your children’s college educations.’ jinyoung sighed.

‘that’s another one too.’ namjoon looked at him, smirking.

‘fuck.’

 

 

**rap monster messaged jinyoung**

**rap monster:** hey, theres a frame on the bedside table, what is it?

 **rap monster:** its really cute

 **jinyoung:** oh, that’s a birthday card that the losers made me when they were 8.

 **rap monster:** which ones are the losers tho?

 **jinyoung:** yugyeom and bambam, obviously.

 **rap monster:**  well, its very…

 **rap monster:** colourful

 **jinyoung:** i mean, it looks like shit. glitter and macaroni, i don’t know what they were thinking

 **jinyoung:** i keep it in case there’s a zombie apocalypse, you know

 **jinyoung:** like i’ll have some food, right?

 **rap monster:** don’t you think that it will have gone off by then?

 **jinyoung:** maybe.

 

 

jin was having a great time at the park-im family home. the kids were helping him with everything, doing stuff for him, helping him put away some of his clothes. they even made him a drink and made him relax on one of the chaise lounges in the garden.

yugyeom, bambam and youngjae all sat with him, asking questions, discussing themselves and what they would be doing for the next two weeks with jin.

‘oh hey, dad’s home.’ yugyeom told jin, getting up from his chair.

‘he’s home early, that’s weird.’ youngjae checked his watch, frowning.

‘he must have skipped the gym. i wonder why,’ bambam pondered. ‘he’s pretty strict with his gym schedule. jinyoung tells him all the time that he’s going to leave if he doesn’t keep his abs.’ jin gasped, putting down his drink.

‘that’s horrible!’

‘he’s kidding. it seems like he isnt, but jinyoung loves jaebum a lot. us too.’ youngjae smiled at jin.

‘sometimes.’ bambam looks over at yugyeom and sighs.

‘well there will be none of that while i’m here!’ jin reached over and ruffled yugyeom’s hair.

‘ugh stop, i spent ages on that.’ yugyeom groaned, pulling away from jin.

‘would you be nice to our guest, please.’ jaebum appeared in the garden, smiling at jin. jin started to stand up, to greet his new husband. ‘hey, stay there, i just came down to have a swim. jackson is supposed to be down too.’

‘hey dad, sorry i got distracted talking to someone.’ jackson yelled from the balcony, his stuff and running down the stairs.

‘ooooh, jackson has a girlfriend.’ yugyeom teased his older brother. when jackson finally appeared next to his brothers, he shoved yugyeom.

‘i don’t, stop gossiping about me.’ jackson groaned. ‘jinyoung does enough snooping, i don’t need jin snooping either.’

‘anyway, you ready?’ jaebum gestured to the pool. jackson nodded, following jaebum through the gate to the pool area.

 

 

almost an hour later, jackson and jaebum emerged from the pool, dripping wet. jin watched as jaebum put his clothes back on, noticing that he definitely did have abs like the kids said. both jackson and jaebum came and sat down on the chairs near jin.

‘jackson, go dry yourself off and put a shirt on.’ jaebum scolded his son. 

‘no, he’s absolutely fine, no need to get dressed.’ jackson grinned at jin and winks. the other kids and jaebum groan, clearly completely unprepared for the next two weeks of jin.

 

 

 

**kiddos**

 

 **gyeommie:** jin just flirted with jackson

 **double b:** it was  d i s g u s t i n g

 **jflawless:** i cant help that im beautiful

 **mark:** im so annoyed i missed that

 **kookie:** bitch same

 **tae:** how hot was jackson tho

 **jflawless:** like 1264/10

 **double b:** i mean

 **double b:** hes our brother and that’s gross

 **gyeommie:** but

 **gyeommie:** he had just gotten out of the pool + muscles like u wouldn’t believe

 **suga:** so as hot as my mixtape?

 **kookie:** 3 dead, 27 wounded, thousands of tears shed.

 **jimin:** stop

 **tae:**   please

 **tae:** never again

 **mark:** that was awful

 **suga:** so all of you yell at me for not knowing your dumb memes, and when i do learn, i get told to stop.

 **suga:** fine.

 

 

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is a memey piece of garbage but y'all seem to like it tho, so thanks for that I suppose. as usual, you can find me and my co-writer on tumblr @fuckboibam and @catladyjaebum our shared kpop blog is @shitkpopfanssay and I promise you will laugh at least once while scrolling through it.
> 
> plz listen to Shine Forever by Monsta X on youtube bc they deserve more views and the song is a smash.


	4. Day Three

**jin created the group park-im + jin**

 

 **gourmet mom:** hey is everyone awake?

 **gourmet mom:** can you please come downstairs.

 **sunshine:** sure!

 **mark:** do you want me to wake everyone up?

 **gourmet mom:** yes please! i have a surprise.

 

everyone but bambam slowly made their way downstairs and into the kitchen, where jin had prepared a huge breakfast. they all sat down at the table, suddenly becoming way more awake and able to consume the huge amount of food that jin had made for them.

‘hey, where is bambam?’ jin asked, looking between the kids who were busy shoving food in their mouths.

‘he’s still asleep. he doesn’t usually get up on weekends before 1pm. we were up until late editing our latest video. i’ll go get him.’ yugyeom got up from the table and slowly walked back up the stairs.

‘video for what?’ jin asked, getting himself another pancake.

‘they have a youtube channel where they do dumb stuff like prank the other kids, and dance covers. once a month bambam just complains about stuff for 15 minutes.’ jaebum tells jin. ‘its really dumb, but it stops them from going to the mall to mess around for hours on end.’

‘oh, my kids do that too! jungkook say he can make money of playing overwatch on the internet but i think he’s just messing with me.’ yugyeom and bambam come back down the stairs a minute later, bambam not even looking awake.

‘morning.’ bambam groans, stretching as he walks to the table. ‘oh hey, breakfast. thanks jin!’

‘you’re welcome honey!’ jin grinned at him. ‘oh hey, what’s your video about?’

‘we did an extreme ‘the floor is lava’ challenge. it’s gonna get mad views.’ yugyeom said to jin, high-fiving a tired bambam over the table.

‘it got you banned from home depot, so it better.’ jaebum sighed, face-palming.

 

 

**kiddos**

 

 

 **gyeommie:** so fun story

 **gyeommie:** we were walking with jin today after brunch

 **double b:** which was fucking delicious by the way, holy shit

 **gyeommie:** anyway, we found this tiny puppy in a box on the side of the road

 **gyeommie:** so we brought her home after taking her to the vet to be checked

 **sunshine:** we named her coco and she is really cute

 **kookie:** send us a photo when u can

 **jflawless:** like really cute

 **mark:** we have already fought over her multiple times.

 **sunshine:** mark thinks her bed should be in his room because he has the single room

 **sunshine:** he is sorely mistaken

 **sunshine:** me and jackson will be great parents to coco.

 **jimin:** awwwww

 

 

 

**jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 

**jaebum removed jinyoung from jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jaebum:** so whats the plan about coco

 **jaebum:** jinyoung likes pets as much as he likes kids

 **jflawless:** but jinyoung doesn’t like kids

 **jaebum:** exactly

 **mark:** well i say we don’t tell him until he gets here

 **double b:** and then we get youngjae to tell him

 **double b:** he cant say no to youngjae

 **jaebum:** that’s ridiculous

 **jaebum:** lets do it.

**jaebum added jinyoung to  jjp + markjae and the shitheads.**

**jinyoung:** what

 **jaebum:** nothing!!!

 

 

 ‘oh hey, i just heard you got a new dog! have you got photos?’ jimin asked jinyoung, sitting down at the table where he  was reading.

‘im sorry, what did you just say?’ jinyoung asked, looking up at jimin.

‘your new dog, coco?’ jimin stared at jinyoung, wondering why he was reacting to his question like that.

‘excuse me for a moment.’ jinyoung got up from the table, walking out onto the balcony and shutting the door, before calling his husband.

 

 

the park-im family were sat around watching tv when jaebum’s phone rang. ‘oh hey, its jinyoung,’ jaebum answered the phone.

‘hey babe, what are you up to, were just watching a movie.’

‘when the fuck did you get a dog and not tell me about it?’

‘we don’t have a dog, i don’t know what youre talking about.’ just as jaebum said this, coco barked at youngjae, who was playing with her.  ‘that was jackson barking just then.’ jackson and youngjae both start making barking noises, trying to throw jinyoung off.

‘i’m not an idiot jaebum, why the fuck did you get a dog?’

‘well, we found it and youngjae got really attached to her, so we couldn’t help but bring her home. she’s all clean and everything. mark and youngjae both promise that they will look after her.’

‘fine, but just so you know, i’m not having sex with you for 2 weeks after i get home.’

‘but babe…’

‘no, fuck you, you got a dog without asking me.’

‘well, i…’ jaebum started, but jinyoung hung up the phone before he could finish his sentence. jaebum shoves his phone into his pocket, before turning to look at his kids.

‘alright which one of you fucking idiots told the kim idiots that we got a dog?’ jaebum asks. almost a whole minute passed without anyone speaking up.

‘you know what, why did i even ask.’ jaebum paused for a minute. ‘of course it was yugyeom.’ yugyeom quickly jumps up from his place on the couch and runs towards the window.

‘i’m out!’ yugyeom yells, trying to climb outside. jackson quickly ran over to grab him before he could climb out.

‘its not his fault, he’s in love with jungkook, he cant keep secrets.’ jackson told his dad, while still holding on to yugyeom.

‘yes i can!’ yugyeom yelled, finally becoming limp in jacksons arms. jackson dropped him on the floor, laughing at his younger brother

‘so you don’t deny that youre in love with him?’ mark asked yugyeom.

‘shut up!’ yugyeom yelled once again, rolling his eyes at his family.

‘they’re going on a date next thursday.’ bambam grinned as he told them.

‘next thursday? you know i’m taking jin, youngjae and mark to a play right? i cant give you a ride.’ jaebum told him.

‘no no, jungkook is picking him up here!’ bambam told them excitedly. yugyeom walks over to bambam, grabbing a cushion from the couch before sitting on bambam and trying to suffocate him.

‘shut your whore mouth, you snake.’ yugyeom scowled at bambam, promising himself that he wouldn’t talk to him for the rest of the day.

 

 

**kookie added jinyoung, rap monster, suga, jimin, tae, and hobi to ‘kim + jinyoung’**

 

 **kookie:** can someone give me a ride on thursday night?

 **kookie:** im going bowling

 **rap monster:** im not gonna be around but yoongi can take my car

 **suga:** please don’t make me drive you to a date

 **jinyoung:** wtf you don’t ask your family to drive you to a date that’s so lame

 **jinyoung:** i can drop you off near their place and you can get an uber

 **rap monster:** who are you going with anyway?

 **kookie:** yugyeom, actually. its not a date

 **jinyoung:** you’re going on a date with my son?

 **kookie:** its not a date

 **tae:** its definitely a date

 **jimin:** then how come you didn’t invite any of us

 **kookie:** because youre all lame

 **kookie:** besides, its been ages since me and yugyeom spent time just the two of us.

 **jinyoung:** jesus fucking christ, it’s a date.

 **jinyoung:** i changed my mind im not dropping you off to a date with my son

 **suga:** fine, ill take him to the date.

 **kookie:** its not a date

 **kookie:** but thank u

 

 

**kiddos**

 

 **jimin:** so today,

 **jimin:** after he was mad about coco

 **jimin:** tae and i were sitting at the table with jinyoung

 **jimin:** i asked him why he adopted so many kids if he doesn’t like them that much

 **jimin:** and he said ‘jaebum really knows how to use his tongue’

 **jflawless:** i see where this is going

 **mark:** oh boy

 **tae:** and like, i asked if he meant that ur dad talked you into it

 **jimin:** ‘no, i mean sex’

 **kookie:** and boi was that uncomfortable

 **jimin:** both tae and i just got up and walked out

 **tae:** and jinyoung just laughed and continued reading his book.

 **kookie:** how do u even respond to that

 **sunshine:** well once jackson tried to say that he was good with his tongue too

 **sunshine:** and jinyoung  responded with ‘ive kissed more girls than you’

 **double b:** i was like, bitch ur gay how tf have you kissed more girls than fuckboi jackson

 **gyeommie:** and jinyoung said, and i quote

 **gyeommie:** ‘exactly my point you fuckin virgins’

 **tae:** holy shit

 **jimin:** that’s amazing

 **mark:** jackson tried to defend himself, but jinyoung just laughed at him

 **jflawless:** im not a virgin

 **mark:** lying is a sin you know

 **double b:** boom roasted

 **jflawless:** as if u have ever gotten any

 **double b:** im just more advanced emotionally and don’t want to date anyone right now

 **gyeommie:** yeah okay sure, bam

 **gyeommie:** mr ‘isnt jooheon so cute, do you reckon he would like these jeans?’

 **kookie:** oh my god

 **kookie:** is that why you asked about him the other day?

**double b left the chat ‘kiddos’**

**jimin added double b to ‘kiddos’**

**jimin:** bitch u thought.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I wanted to thank everyone for the really nice comments! <3 y’all rock.  
> I’m going on holiday for 10 days starting on Monday (for me, in australia.) I don’t know when that is for you all, but there may or may not be an update the next week depending on whether I can get the internet. I have got most of the next few written tho so if I don’t have internet, I’ll upload like 2 parts as soon as I get back!  
> Also the yugyeom/jungkook is incredibly self indulgent and I wasn’t going to include it but…. Why not??? Havent decided if its going to continue to be a thing, but we’ll see I suppose. Let me know if that’s a thing you want.  
> Hope you enjoyed, and as always, you can find me on tumblr @fuckboibam and my cowriter and conspirator @catladyjaebum


	5. Day Four - Monday

**gourmet mom messaged regrets.jpeg**

 

 **gourmet mom:** you must be proud of your kids, jinyoung and jaebum, theyre so grateful for everything

 **gourmet mom:** they all gave me hugs when i made them lunch this morning

 **gourmet mom:** and they don’t whinge like my kids, which is a huge plus

 **gourmet mom:** they’re really annoying when they complain

 **jinyoung:** …….

 **jaebum:** …….

 **gourmet mom:** especially yugyeom. he’s such a sweet boy.

 **gourmet mom:** he helped me with the washing yesterday

 **jinyoung:** lol

 **jinyoung:** you havent seen him at his worst

 **gourmet mom:** i cant imagine him being anything but an angel

 **jinyoung:** you say that now but just wait until you walk in on him humping the floor to chris brown.

 **rap monster:** holy shit

 **gourmet mom:** ……..

 

when monday morning came around, the novelty of having jinyoung around the house had most definitely worn off. for starters, jinyoung had made it very clear that he wasn’t going to make breakfast or lunches for the kids (and namjoon). so at 7am, jimin and yoongi had made their way downstairs and started to get some sort of edible food ready for themselves and their brothers.

the second thing, was that unlike jin, jinyoung seemed very reluctant to step in on any fights or disagreements that happened in the kim house. this particular morning, jungkook sat at the kitchen table, eating his toast and slapping taehyung on the arm repeatedly.

‘kook, can you not. i’m too tired for your bullshit this morning.’ taehyung spoke, but fell silent quickly after. the other kids all stopped what they were doing too, looking up at jinyoung. almost a minute passed before jinyoung looked up from his book, and all five of the children were staring at him still, along with namjoon.

‘why are you all looking at me like that?’ jinyoung asked them, patting his face to ensure he hadnt gotten food on it or something.

‘tae cursed?’ hobi pointed out to jinyoung, who looked back down at his book.

‘and why the fuck is that my problem?’ he asked, rolling his eyes. the kids stay silent, not quite knowing how to respond to jinyoung.

‘jinyoung, jungkook is hitting me again.’ tae complained, shoving jungkook away again.

‘does it look like i give a shit?’

‘no, not really.’ yoongi added, unhelpfully.

‘at least he gets it. i’m going to go sit outside and read. come get me when you need to be driven to school’

 

**kookie messaged kiddos**

 

 **kookie:** so get this

 **kookie:** this morning, dad wore a bandana

 **tae:** it was weird

 **kookie:** anyway, jinyoung was sitting at the kitchen table

 **kookie:** dad walked in, and jinyoung literally looked up and said ‘hello daddy’

 **suga:** it was gross

 **jflawless:** oh my god

 **double b:** why the fuck

 **mark:** are you surprised bam?

 **mark:** like really?

 **double b:** i mean

 **double b:** i suppose not

 **double b:** namjoon can get it ;)

 **gyeommie:** ew bam

 **kookie:** youre fucking disgusting, that’s my dad

 **double b:** ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯

 **kookie:** i hate you

 

after school, the park-im family routine was generally pretty chill. on a monday, the kids would usually sit at the table with jinyoung (if he wasn’t working) and discuss their days, and the current gossip, while half-heartedly completing homework and waiting for jaebum to get home from the gym. jinyoung, would often have a glass of wine and listen to the gossip, sometimes interjecting about stories from his work.

 

the atmosphere was very different with jin in the house. jaebum was the only person who was any good at mediating between the kid’s brashness (mostly bambam, jackson and yugyeom) and jin’s strict rules, so when jaebum wasn’t home, the kids were all slightly uncomfortable in case they said something innapropriate.

‘so, anything fun happen today?’ jin asked, clearly trying to lighten up the mood in the house.

‘i ran into that girl from tinder that jackson went out with in my psych class today. she asked about you, you know?’ mark sighed, shoving jackson. ‘you’re being a fuckboy again.’

‘its not my fault that i’m hot and that girls want me.’ mark rolled his eyes at his younger brother.

‘wait was this the one from the other night when you came home late?’ bambam asked, leaning slighty forward. jackson nodded, looking proud. ‘so did she suck your dick, or nah?’ bambam questioned jackson further. yugyeom and mark burst out laughing.

‘hey!’ jin yelled at them, smacking jackson with a rolled up tea towel.

‘what?’ yugyeom frowned. ‘is dick a swear?’

‘i don’t think so, but it sounds nasty, so i’m counting it.’

‘so, uh, did she…’ bambam stopped for a minute, thinking. ‘did she give you pleasure using her mouth?’

‘that isnt any better, please don’t ever say that again.’ mark stood up from the table. ‘i’m going to do my homework in my room, i cant deal with these monsters.’ mark gestured to bambam, mark and yugyeom.

‘hey, what about youngjae?’

‘he left the room four minutes ago to play with coco.’ mark stated, pointing to the now empty chair.

‘alright, everyone should be getting back to their homework! no more of this talk.’ jin told them as he walked out of the room.

  


**rap monster messaged suga**

 

 **rap monster:** hey kiddo

 **rap monster:** i just dropped your mom’s mug and it broke into like, a million pieces

 **rap monster:** i need you to take the fall for me

 **suga:** wait which mug

 **rap monster:** the one with the aliens on it

 **suga:** no way, mom would kill me

 **rap monster:** do you think he isnt going to kill me?

 **rap monster:** please

 **suga:** nope

 **suga:** ask one of the dumb ones to do it

 

 

**rap monster messaged kookie**

 

 **rap monster:** i dropped your mom’s mug i need you to own up for it

 **kookie:** he really loved that mug, u know

 **rap monster:**  please

 **kookie:** what will u give me in return?

 **rap monster:** ill put 20 bucks on your steam account

 **kookie:** make it 50

 **rap monster:** 35 and ill bring you one of the doughnuts i brought home from work today.

 **kookie:** deal

  


**double b messaged jinyoung**

**double b:** hey mom so can i get a dog too

 **jinyoung:** no

 **jinyoung:** of course not

 **double b:** why can youngjae have one and not me??

 **jinyoung:** because i don’t like you

 **double b:**  :(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey!! I'm having a great time on holiday AND I have the internet!! hope you all enjoy this part! find me and my co creator on tumblr @fuckboibam and @catladyjaebum


	6. Day Five - Tuesday

jin, jaebum and youngjae found themselves at the supermarket on tuesday night. unlike jin, jinyoung hadn’t gone grocery shopping before the swap, and so the park-im household had started to run out of food for everyone.

originally, jin had wanted all of the kids to come with him so they could bond, but the kids very quickly found excuses as to why they couldn’t come. bambam and yugyeom had to film a video, mark had homework, and jackson had some ‘very important fencing meeting.’ youngjae was the only kid who volunteered to come with jin shopping, and then insisted that jaebum come with the two of them. 

the way jin did shopping was clearly very different to how the park-im’s did. both jaebum and youngjae were just choosing things from the shelves and putting them into the cart, without any planning or thinking about what they actually need for meals every night. jin had begun to find this very annoying.

‘don’t you guys plan your meals at all?’ jin looked at the trolley full of random food and sighed.

‘nah, generally jinyoung just buys stuff and then we get creative with meals and what to cook.’ youngjae told jin, putting more stuff into the trolley.

‘alright, we’re probably done here.’ jin stopped  both jaebum and youngjae from putting more things in. ‘lets just go up to the counter and get this stuff. i’m sure we have enough.’ jin, jaebum and youngjae all began walking towards the counter, jaebum pushing the heavy groceries to the check out.

‘oh, shit we forgot jackson’s stuff.’ jaebum quickly runs back into the aisles, before jin can even take the list out of his pocket.

‘he didn’t take the list?’ jin asked youngjae, frowning slightly.

‘yeah, he cares about jackson a lot. he remembers it off by heart.’ youngjae smiles. ‘he and jinyoung care about all of us kids a lot.’

 

**kookie messaged the chat '97z'**

 

 **kookie:** why u all complain about jinyoung so much

 **kookie:** i was terrified

 **kookie:** he's actually great

 **kookie:** he made me lunch today, gave me a hug and let me ride shotgun

 **gyeommie:** are you fucking kidding me

 **gyeommie:** this bitch

 **gyeommie:** jinyoung actively bullies bambam and i

 **kookie:** he said something about how ‘i wasn’t as much of a little bitch as his own kids’

 **double b:** u can suck multiple dicks, jungkook

 **double b:** yugyeom's, for example

 **gyeommie:** i fucking hate u bambam

 **kookie:** wow

 **kookie:** suddenly i cant read

**gyeommie left the chat ‘97z’**

**double b:** well that was fun

 **kookie:** it isnt a fucking date stop

 **kookie:** i don’t even like him

 **double b:** why the fuck u lyiiiiiiinng, why u always lllyyyyinnnn

 **double b:** mmmmmmmmmmmmo my g od stop fcuckign ly  in

**kookie left the chat ‘97z’**

**double b added kookie and gyeommie to the chat ‘97z’**

**double b:** have fun kiddos

 **double b:** don’t do anything i wouldn’t do

 **double b:** which isn’t much if im honest

**double b left the chat ‘97z’**

jinyoung was laying on the couch at the kim house when he first got the call. his phone rang, piercing the silence of the room that he was enjoying so much. jinyoung checked the screen, noticing what looked like a home number, before hesitantly answering it. 

 

‘good morning, is this jinyoung park-im?’

‘yeah, what do you want?’ 

‘this is the secretary of the assistant principal from north hill high school, your son, ah, kunpimook has been suspended for the day for wearing inappropriate clothing. you need to come get him or organize an alternative transport home for him.’ 

‘what do you mean, "inappropriate clothing"? i’ve seen all of his clothes, what could he possibly be wearing that would break the dress code?’ 

‘mr. park-im, please don’t get mad at me, i’m just supposed to call you. you can come discuss it with the assistant principal if you have a problem.’ 

‘oh, i will. i’ll be there in twenty minutes.’ jinyoung hung up the phone, scowling suddenly at the school. 

 

although the kids didn’t have problems at school very often, the problems they did have were all huge overreactions on the part of the school. jinyoung was incredibly irritated at the idea of dress codes in general, and it never even crossed his mind that anything bambam owned could be inappropriate enough to break it. 

 

jinyoung quickly sent a message to jin, informing him what was happening, and that he would bring bambam home in a few hours. 

 

he then went on, collecting his stuff and getting in the car to quickly drive to the school, fuming the entire time. when jinyoung finally arrived, he made himself stop outside the office building for two seconds to calm down, in case it had been bambam who had done something wrong. 

 

when he walked in, bambam was sitting on the chair listening to music outside of the assistant principal's office. jinyoung quickly waved at his son before walking up to the front desk.

 

‘i’m here to talk to the assistant principal about my son, kunpimook?’

‘oh, right this way, mr. park, she has been waiting for you.’ 

‘it’s park-im.’ he corrected, pointedly. jinyoung was directed into the office of the assistant principal and was invited to sit down. bambam followed after, sitting down in the chair next to him, staring dumbly at the assistant principal. 

 

‘has he changed?' jinyoung asked, frowning as he looked over his son 'i don’t see anything wrong with his outfit?’

‘no, the problem is his jeans. the dress code specifies that clothing can't be needlessly revealing.’ the principal said, putting on her glasses. 

‘they just have a few holes in them though?’

‘big holes, that shows enough skin to be inappropriate.’  jinyoung scoffed, looking at the jeans again. they were no way inappropriate by his standards, and he had personally seen far worse on his other kids every now and then.

 

‘i'm sorry, excuse me? does your dress code prevent students from wearing shorts, skirts, or anything like that?’ 

‘well, no, of course not,’ the principal stated. ‘that would be against the rules’ 

‘then why is my son getting in trouble for jeans that reveal far less than what a skirt or shorts would?’ 

‘they are inappropriate and are distracting both staff and students.’ 

‘well if the staff is distracted by my son’s skinny ass legs then you should really be more concerned with whom you hire. and two, so what about the other students? he wouldn’t have worn the jeans if he felt uncomfortable in them.’ 

‘i'm sure he’s perfectly comfortable in them.’ the principal looks down her nose at bambam, tutting quietly. jinyoung, noticing this, grows considerably angrier at the lady. 

‘are you implying something? i suggest you be very careful with what you say right now.’ 

‘no, i wouldn’t do such a thing. i'm just saying that many other students that are… less promiscuous, feel uncomfortable with him wearing such indecent clothing?’

‘my son can be a hoe if he wants to, don’t you dare shame him for something that you are making up.’ he snapped, but then quickly recovered his cool, glaring at the assistant principal. ‘now, listen to me. you are going to let him go back to class, without any record of suspension of any kind. he will also not be changing. if the jeans are really a problem, i can call my friend jin kim. you know him, right? president of the pta. he may have something to say about you implying that my son is ‘promiscuous,’ and your teachers being distracted by a 15-year-old student’s legs.’  

**jinyoung messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jinyoung:** bitch

 **double b:** which one

 **jinyoung:** yugyeom

 **jinyoung:** did you tell the kim kids that i like chris brown?

 **gyeommie:** yeah lol

 **jflawless:** oh my god

 **jinyoung:** you are my least favourite child

 

**jinyoung changed gyeommie’s name to shithead #1**

**shithead #1 changed his name to gyeommie**

**jinyoung changed gyeommie’s name to shithead #1**

**jinyoung:** you will never escape this

 **jinyoung:** i will continue to change it till the day i die

 **jaebum:** bitch did u really think u could get away with this?

 **shithead #1:** yeah basically

 **jinyoung:** lol

 **mark:** love u mom

 **jinyoung:** love you sweetie

 **jinyoung:** you too youngjae

 **jinyoung:** all of the rest of u can go away

 **jaebum:** even me? :(

 **jinyoung:** yes

 **jaebum:**  :( :( :( :(

 

**jinyoung messaged double b**

**jinyoung:** yugyeom has been a brat lately, spill the tea

 **jinyoung:** i know he's hiding something

 **double b:** hell no, hes not just my best friend, its like were brothers

 **jinyoung:** you are brothers, you absolute fucking walnut

 **double b:** have u seen him lately?

 **double b:** hes like, ripped

 **double b:** he might actually kill me

 **double b:** plus i cant betray him like that

 **jinyoung:** i’ll give you fifty bucks

 **double b:** and?????  
**jinyoung:** and the password to the porn channel on ur dad’s tv in the basement

 **double b:** his tumblr is chrisbrownfucker69

 **jinyoung:** nice doing business with you

 **double b:** likewise

 

 

**jinyoung messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **jinyoung:** yugy

 **jinyoung:** i heard something interesting today

 **shithead #1:** oh no

 **jinyoung:** chrisbrownfucker69

 **jinyoung:** really?

 **shithead #1:** bambam i'm going to fuckign murder u

 **shithead #1:** i thought we were bros

 **jflawless:** wait what is chrisbrownfucker69?

 **double b:** yugyeom’s tumblr

 **jflawless:** oh my god

 **mark:** this is fucking gold

 **mark:** have you scrolled through all of this bc

 **mark:** i cant

 **jinyoung:** i literally scrolled to the end

 **jinyoung:** its been enlightening

 **jinyoung:** why did it have to be chris brown tho

 **jinyoung:** jaebum and i raised you better

 **jinyoung:** could you not have stanned like, fuckin justin timberlake or something?  
**jinyoung:** but anyway  back to the roast

 

**jinyoung changed shithead #1’s name to ‘chrisbrownfucker69’**

 

 **jaebum:** oh my god

 **double b:** deceased

 **jflawless:** rip yugyeom

 **mark:** gone too soon

 **jflawless:** he will always be remembered for that one time mum filmed him grinding on the floor to chris brown

 **double b:**  and his epic crush on the bunny looking fucker known as jungkook

 **youngjae:** im dying laughing

 **youngjae:** i love you guys so much

 **jinyoung:** aww baby i love you too

 **jinyoung:** i should prob go, the kim’s are being annoying af right now

 **jinyoung:** except for jungkook, he’s so much better than you shitheads

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** fuck my life

 **double b:** :’(

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m so so so so sorry i havent updated in like 2 weeks, i just started the second semester of uni, and its crazy hard. plus holidays, and like, life in general. i should be uploading another part either today or tomorrow.
> 
> my cowriter and i would like to say that we both absolutely hate chris brown and everything that he does, but it’s a meme in the fandom and we wanted to include it, even though we are both mad about it. we actually made yugys tumblr (but didn’t put that much effort in bc honestly i cant be bothered)
> 
> oh and the bambam/dress code thing was because of that video a little while ago where he was wearing jeans that had such huge holes that he may as well have not been wearing pants at all. 
> 
> thank you for all the nice comments they make me so happy!!!! 
> 
> find us on tumblr @fuckboibam and @catladyjaebum, blah blah blah.


	7. Day Six - Wednesday

**jaebum messaged jinyoung**

 

 **jaebum:** hey

 **jaebum:** what the fuck is the basket on the kitchen bench

 **jaebum:** ‘momma misses his favourite boys mark and youngjae’

 **jaebum:** ???????

 **jaebum:** why am i not your favourite boy

 **jaebum:** we will have been together for 20 years in like, a week and a half

 **jaebum:** i miss u

 **jinyoung:** seen 10:43

 **jaebum:** did u just write seen 10:43

 **jinyoung:** yep

 **jaebum:** youre a bitch

 **jaebum:** did u know that

 **jinyoung:** yeah, obviously.

 

on the way to school, jinyoung was busy berating the kids for gossip. it had become fairly normal for jinyoung to sit with his own kids after school, drinking wine and gossiping about the kids at school, who slept with who, relationship drama, etc. it had become fairly obvious to jinyoung during the drive to school that the kim kids did not do this with jin, and seemed somewhat uncomfortable doing so.

both taehyung and jungkook were more that willing to talk about who was dating who, and stuff about the teachers, but topics like sex, upcoming parties, and such were steered clear from. jinyoung began to suspect that the older two were more involved in some of that sort of gossip, and so didn’t want to discuss it with jinyoung.

‘are you going to that party on saturday night? jackson wouldn’t stop talking about it before i left.’

‘oh, um, yeah, if that’s okay?’ jimin asked, somewhat timidly.

‘did you need me to buy you drinks too?’ the kids looked between each other, mouths open. jinyoung looked at them through the front mirror.

‘uh, yeah, if you can, that would be great!’ jungkook elbowed his brothers sitting either side of him to stop them from continuing to gawk at jinyoung.

‘not you, kookie. im sorry, you’re just a bit too young, kiddo.’ jungkook rolled his eyes.

‘so wait your kids tell you about parties and stuff?’ hoseok asked

‘yeah, of course. how are we supposed to trust each other if we don’t share, you know? like i know for certain that my kids will come tell me if theyre having a problem, or if they need help because we trust each other.’

‘i wish jin was that cool.’ jimin mumbled.

 

**chrisbrownfucker69 messaged double b**

 

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** jin has only been here 3 days and he already chose youngjae as a favourite

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** they went to that baking class together today

 **double b:** i mean, can you blame him

 **double b:** youngjae is great

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** yea u right

 **double b:** no offence, hes my favourite brother

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** its okay he’s my favourite brother too

 **double b:** …..

 **double b:** what the fuck bro

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** what

 **double b:** how dare you say that i’m not your favourite brother

 **double b:** i’m hurt

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** dude you literally just said im not your favourite brother either

 **double b:** i cant deal with you right now

 

when jin gets home from the baking class with youngjae, the mood in the house feels different than usual. yugyeom is sitting at the kitchen table, playing on his phone and frowning. jackson and mark are playing video games, but almost silently, and jaebum is in the kitchen preparing dinner.

jin walks into the kitchen and puts his bag down, sitting at the bench.

‘alright, what happened?’ jin asks jaebum, eating a slice of carrot that jaebum had just cut up.

‘i’m not 100% sure. i think yugbam got into a fight, yugyeom has been sitting down here since i got home.’

 ‘ohhhhhhh, okay. i’ll be back.’ jin gets up from the kitchen bench and climbs up the stairs to yugyeom and bambam’s bedroom. he stops at their door and knocks loudly. ‘hey, bambam, i would like you to come downstairs, please.’

‘i don’t really feel like it.’ bambam answers quietly through the door.

‘i’ll buy you a pizza. you cant tell anyone else about it though.’ there is silence for a second, before the door opens slowly. ‘you okay?’

‘me and yugyeom had a fight.’

‘what over?’

‘its nothing, lets just go downstairs.’

 

even after jin managed to convince bambam to come downstairs, bambam and yugyeom refused to talk to each other. all throughout dinner, the two youngest refused to speak to each other, even look at each other.

the lack of  usual bickering and chatter from the two youngest kids was making everyone uncomfortable. none of the park-im family could remember a time when yugbam hadn’t spoken for more than 15 minutes (while they were awake, anyway).

‘alright, that’s it, anyone who isnt yugbam can go up to their rooms.’ the kids and jaebum all go in various directions, leaving jin and the two youngest kids sitting at the table. ‘what’s wrong?’

‘nothing.’ both yugyeom and bambam told jin in unison.

‘hey bambam do you remember what i promised earlier? not going to happen if you don’t start talking.’

‘yugyeom said that youngjae was his favourite.’

‘you said that youngjae was your favourite brother too?’

‘you shouldn’t have favourites. you should love everyone equally.’

‘huh, says you. youngjae is your favourite. youngjae is jinyoung and jaebum’s favourite too. how is that fair?’  yugyeom frowns and looks over at jaebum in the kitchen, who is washing dishes and clearly trying to listen in to the conversation. jaebum shrinks slightly and continues washing the dishes.

‘i don’t have a favourite! why would you think that?’ jin looks over at jaebum and rolls his eyes.

‘because mum and dad have favourites, why wouldn’t you?’

‘i spent time with youngjae today because we both like to bake. i don’t know what we have in common, i don’t want to bore you with my things if you arent going to be interested in them. is there something that you both want to do together?’

‘can you dance?’

‘no, not really.’ yugyeom frowns again. ‘but i can try?’ jin continues, after seeing yugyeom’s face fall.

‘get ready for chris brown.’ bambam mutters under his breath as yugyeom plugs his phone into the speaker in the lounge. as bambam said, take you down started playing, and yugyeom walked back over to jin. just then, the rest of the kids came back downstairs, wondering what was going on.

‘why is yugyeom’s hoe song playing?’ jackson asks as he walks down the stairs.

‘because he’s trying to teach jin to dance.’ jaebum yells from the kitchen.

‘and i’m going to teach him to dab!’ bambam tells his brothers excitedly.

‘why is jin allowed to dab, but i cant?’ jaebum asks as he walks into the lounge.

‘he cooks us amazing food, and packs us lunch every day.’ jackson tells their dad.

‘okay fair enough. if i do your washing for a week, can i dab?’

‘sure, okay.’ bambam answers.  jaebum dabs, and then looks down at the ground. ‘that wasn’t as satisfying as i thought it would be.’

 

**jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **jflawless:** hey what the fuck

 **jflawless:** namjoon takes the kim kids to a rap club

 **jflawless:** every week

 **double b:** that’s so fucking cool

 **mark:** yeah, ive been a couple times its cool

 **jflawless:** im so jealous why cant we go

 **jinyoung:** i never said you couldn’t?

 **double b:** are you saying we have been missing out the entire time

 **jflawless:** dad can you come with us next week?

 **jinyoung:** why not me???

 **jflawless:** because youre probably even worse at rapping than dad is

 **jaebum:** youre not wrong.

**jinyoung messaged jaebum**

**jinyoung:** so because namjoon was going out with two of the kids tonight, and the others go to bed pretty early

 **jinyoung:** i had time to snoop

 **jinyoung:** this is ridiculous

 **jinyoung:** i wasn’t expecting to find a fifty shades of grey room or anything

 **jinyoung:** but they have nothing!

 **jaebum:** are you really talking about this again??  
**jaebum:** jesus jinyoung

 **jaebum:** maybe they don’t need handcuffs, not everyone is afraid of ruining their ties you know

 **jinyoung:** fuck you, my ties are expensive

 **jinyoung:** just because you dress like a barbecue uncle doesn’t mean i cant look good

 **jaebum:** you’d look good with a tie around your wrists too

 **jinyoung:** stop distracting me

 **jaebum:** stop snooping around their room

 **jinyoung:** maybe theyre just vanilla

 **jinyoung:** they arent!!!

 **jinyoung:** this whole thing will have been in vain if i can’t prove it

 **jaebum:** youre supposed to like, learn how to be a better parent or something

 **jinyoung:** oh shut up

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey guess who's bad at sticking to a schedule. find me on tumblr @fuckboibam and my co writer @catladyjaebum. thanks for the comments, kudos and good vibes my peeps


	8. Day Seven - Thursday

the breakfast table at the kim house was pretty busy on thursday mornings, because of dance practice, but especially this morning because of the recital tomorrow and jungkook’s date.

‘hey, i forgot to ask earlier, can i have a few of my friends over tonight to choreograph a new routine?’

‘wait which friends?’ jinyoung asked, putting down his food.

‘oh, just the cheerleading team.’

‘wait youre on the cheerleading team? how come you didn’t tell me?’

‘i did tell you, days ago. you said ‘that’s great, sweetie.’

‘oh shit my bad. that’s my code for ‘i’m not paying attention’’

‘swear jar!’  jimin exclaims, grinning at jinyoung.

‘will you fu- freaking stop, jesus.’ jinyoung sighs,  pulling out a pen and paper, to write another iou note to put in the jar.

‘anyway, yes of course, hobi. you need anything??’ jinyoung stops for a minute. ‘lube? condoms?’ everyone at the table stops eating, some even spit out their drinks and food. ‘i mean, theyre girls on the cheerleading team. high school may have changed a lot since i was there, but it hasn’t changed that much. unless you’re gay, in which case, that’s chill. i like dick too.’ namjoon and the kids look horrified that jinyoung is saying all of this.

‘nope, definitely not gay, i like girls.’ even yoongi looks slightly afraid of what jinyoung will say next.

‘what do you even do at slumber parties these days?’ namjoon asks, finally able to speak again.

‘the usual. pillow fights, spin the bottle, voodoo.’ hobi answers casually, taking another bite of his toast

‘and youre the only boy on the team?’ jinyoung asks.

‘uh, yeah?’

‘atta boy.’ jinyoung leans over the table to hi-five hobi.

‘how do we join the team?’ jimin and taehyung say together.

 

 

 

 

**jaebum messaged jinyoung**

**jaebum:** sometimes i wonder why we adopted so many kids

 **jaebum:** 5 kids is 4 kids too many

 **jinyoung:** shut up, you forgot youngjae

 **jaebum:**   sorry, 3 kids too many

 **jinyoung:** what did they do?

 **jaebum:** bambam and jackson have spent the past 3 hours getting yugyeom ready for his date

 **jaebum:** he just came downstairs

 **jaebum:** he looks like a mix of bambam and jackson

 **jinyoung:** so a like a hoe?

 **jaebum:** exactly.

 

an hour and a half before jungkook was supposed to be meeting yugyeom for his date, he was stressing the fuck out. jimin and taehyung were both annoying him, teasing him for his not date with yugyeom. instead of bothering to deal with jimin and taehyung trying to dress him, he made his way to his other brothers’ room to get ready there. he’d grabbed almost all of his clothes out of his part of the wardrobe and dragged the entire pile, including shoes, to yoongi and hobi’s room.

‘hey, can i get ready in here, jimin and taehyung are being really annoying?’ yoongi frowns, but lets his youngest brother into the room.

‘you arent going to ask me to help, are you?’

‘not very much.’

 ‘hey, hows this, yoongi?’ jungkook modelled the outfit he had put on. yoongi nods, looking him up and down. after yoongi telling him it looks good, jungkook looks in the mirror for two more seconds before deciding he doesn’t like it again. ‘it’s too plain. he’s going to think i don’t like him because i’m dressed like i always am.’

he then puts on a different outfit, turning in the mirror to check it. ‘it looks good, jungkook.’ yoongi tells him from his bed.

‘no, its too… 2007. next one!’

after the 12th time jungkook had changed, yoongi was starting to get really annoyed at his youngest brother.

‘what about this one, yoongi?’ he asked, rubbing his hands on the new jeans he had taken from hobi’s drawer.

‘i literally cant tell the difference between this time and the last time you changed.’

‘excuse you, theres no need for you to be rude. i obviously rolled up the sleeves of my shirt and changed belts.’

‘you look fine, kookie, now shut up i swear to god. i wont drive you to your date if you don’t be quiet.’ just as yoongi finishes speaking, taehyung walks in and looks at jungkook.

‘really that belt with those shoes?’ taehyung looked up and down at his brother, sighing at his clear lack of fashion ability.

‘see, yoongi, i told you.’ jungkook rolls his eyes at his oldest brother, who simply closes his eyes and bangs his head against the wall.

**suga messaged rap monster**

**suga:** please don’t ever make me drive jungkook to a date again

 **suga:** it was so awkward

 **suga:** yugyeom didn’t even look me in the eye

 **suga:** he was terrified

 **suga:** he called me sir

 **rap monster:** at least he’s nice?

 **suga:** he’s nasty, just you wait.

 

**jinyoung messaged jjp +  markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **jinyoung:** so yugy how was the date?

 **jinyoung:** i asked jungkook but he didn’t want to tell me anything

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** well we both won a round of bowling

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** and then we played the arcade games and he won me a heap of tickets.

 **jflawless:** was he a good kisser?

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** jackson

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** its only our first date

 **sunshine:** so do you like him??

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** maybe…

 **double b:** oh shut up, earlier today you literally told me that you have ‘never felt this way before’

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** hey bambam u might want to shut the fuck up

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** if u know whats good for you

 **jinyoung:** don’t bother him, if yugyeom doesn’t want to tell us how much of a ‘gentleman he was,’ and how he looked ‘really hot, um, i mean nice’ on his date then that’s his thing.

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** wait is that what jungkook said

 **jaebum:** oh my god it was such a fucking date

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** okay but did he say anything else?

 **jinyoung:** well you said you didn’t want to talk about it so…….

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** no im sorry i want to talk about it now

 **mark:** bro don’t be so embarrassing

 **mark:** its just your first date, chill out

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** please mom, what did he say

 **jinyoung:** i cant seem to remember anything else

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** ur such a snake

 **jinyoung:** thank you.

 **double b:** hiss hiss motherfucker

**kookie messaged kiddos**

 

 **kookie:** how is everyone’s night besides anything to do with yugyeom and i?

 **double b:** :(

 **kookie:** ours would be better but hobi has 11 girls in his room and theyre giggling and i want to die

 **jflawless:** why are there 11 girls in his room

 **jflawless:** are they hot?

 **hobi:** yeah of course

 **hobi:** and theyre here bc were choreographing a new routine for nationals

 **jimin:** hobi is on the cheerleading team

 **jflawless:** omg can i join???

 **jflawless:** i can do some sick flips and shit.

 **hobi:** hold on ill ask

 **hobi:** we voted no

 **jflawless:** why? im super fit

 **jflawless:** i could dead lift like every person on the team

 **hobi:** yeah but you’ve slept with like. half of them and theyre salty bc you didn’t call them back

 **mark:** youre a fucking idiot, jackson

 **tae:** omg that’s so funny

 

**sunshine messaged jinyoung**

**sunshine: [a picture of coco asleep on jaebum’s lap, who is also asleep]**

**jinyoung:** <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 **jinyoung:** okay we can keep her.

 **jinyoung:** but only because she likes him as much as we do

 **jinyoung:** miss you baby

 **jinyoung:** im so excited to see you all tomorrow.

 **sunshine:** us too momma  <3 <3

 **sunshine:** it hasn’t been the same at home without you

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yooooooo guess who’s finally on a normal fuckin uploading schedule!
> 
> i’d like to point out that i don’t share the opinion of characters, specifically the cheerleading team/hoe thing. it was written like that entirely for the plot point. my cowriter and i both thought that hoe!hoseok was really funny in this fic, especially bc i’ve characterised the other people the way they are.
> 
> i also noticed that the park-im family (and namjin) are missing from this part. they're in the next part heaps, so don’t stress!
> 
> And for my final note, the part where I say that jungkook’s outfit was too ‘2007’, you can bet your ass that I was thinking about pete wentz and any of his sick emo outfits (because I was an emo kid before I was a kpop stan and that is the type of shit I think about sometimes)
> 
> follow me on tumblr for some kpop/aesthetic content @fuckboibam and my co writer @catladyjaebum


	9. Day Eight - Friday

**bambam messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **double b:**   hey i just realised

 **double b:** why do u go by jjp? like what does that even stand for?

 **mark:** hey that’s something even i don’t know

 **jinyoung:** that’s a story for another time

 **jaebum:** like, really.

 **jflawless:** does anyone wanna snoop later to find out why

 **jinyoung:** u better fucking not

 **jinyoung:** i will kill you

 **jinyoung:** also theres a large amount of sex stuff in that cupboard i wouldn’t go in there

 **jflawless:** alright lets not kiddos.

 **jaebum:** smart move

 

after school on friday, the park-im family were all sat around the kitchen table, chatting when jin got home from work.

‘hey kids, what’s up?’

‘oh, jackson was telling us about how he hooked up with this girl behind the bleachers today.’ bambam shrugs, high fiving his brother. jin dropped his bag on the ground, sitting next to jaebum. jin was absolutely horrified, still shocked by how filthy some of the kids could be, even after a week of living with them.

‘you allow your kids to do this?’ jin whispers to jaebum, mouth still wide open in shock.

‘half the shit they say is made up anyway, don’t even worry about it.’

‘how can you tell when they’re telling the truth then?’

‘like this,’ jaebum whispered to him. ‘hey, bambam, i heard an interesting rumor today?

 ‘only one? i started at least 12.’

‘a little birdie tels me jooheon walked u to ur history class today?’ bambam chokes on his drink, turning bright red, and turns to look at yugyeom scandolously.

‘why would you tell dad, he’s such a gossip.’

‘well actually, i told mom, but that’s beside the point. sorry bro.’

‘i’m still not sure i approve.’ jin frowns.

‘are you not used to it, with hobi? from what i hear, he’s quite popular with the girls.’ jackson tells jin, continuing play with his phone. jin looks between jackson and the rest of the kids and jaebum, who all seem to be nodding in agreement with jackson.

‘you’re kidding, right? my hobi would never.’

‘we are on a chat with him where yesterday he admitted to playing spin the bottle with the cheer squad at their meetings.’ yugyeom told jin, showing him the chat.

‘he literally snapchatted me a photo of a girl’s butt in those tiny cheer shorts with a thumbs up.’  jackson added, putting down his phone.

‘he what. oh my god. i’m sorry, excuse me for a minute.’ jin pulls his phone out of his pocket and calls his husband, in front of everyone.

‘hey, babe, what’s up? i’m seeing you later, aren’t i?’

‘did you know that hoseok is sleeping with the girls on the cheer team?’

‘who told you?’ theres silence for a minute ‘wait, no i didn’t.’

‘who told me? you knew about this?’

‘hobi may have come to discuss this with me, like once or twice.’

‘and you didn’t think i should know?’

‘hobi asked me not to tell you!’

‘why? they can trust me?’

‘babe, i think youre a bit too worried about this. it’s pretty normal for teenage boys to do this sorta thing. he’s being really responsible by talking to me about it. and i got him condoms so there’s no way that he could be getting anyone pregnant or anything, that’s good!’ jin pulls the phone away from his ear, looking at it for a second, and then hanging up on his husband

‘at least he’s using protection?’ bambam offers jin an apologetic smile. jin turns away from bambam, sighing. mark slaps his younger brother’s arm for being so rude.

 

**jflawless messaged kiddos**

**jflawless:** yo hobi we accidentally just spilled to jin about the cheer squad

 **jflawless:** sorry homie

 **kookie:** rip

 **hobi:** i suppose that he would find out eventually

 **suga:** you realise that the dance recital is tonight

 **hobi:** shit u right

 **hobi:** i’m going to be murdered by my own mother

 **hobi:** at least i wont die a virgin

 **hobi:** like some of you

 **double b:** oh my god

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** i cannot believe

 **kookie:** rude

 **hobi:** well i’m not wrong

 **kookie:** :(

 

 

 

getting the kids and namjoon into the car for this dance recital had been a struggle. none  of the kids had been ready to go, and namjoon had only just gotten home from work. jinyoung knew how difficult wrangling five kids can be, but today it seemed a million times worse.

in the car, the kids were busy doing their own thing (unlike his own kids), and so jinyoung sat in almost silence, thinking about his own shitheads and jaebum, who he wouldn’t admit that he missed a lot.

 ‘oh hey, there’s yugyeom!’ jungkook almost yells,breaking the silence in the car. jinyoung turns to look where jungkook was pointing to, to see jaebum and his kids, standing next to jinyoung. ‘and everyone else…’ he continues, considerably less excited than earlier.

‘you’re the worst, do you know that? that’s my son, stop looking at him.’ everyone gets out of the car, and start walking towards the park-im’s.

‘hey babe, i’ve missed you so much!’ namjoon goes to kiss jin, but jin pulls away and ignores him.

‘uh oh. that’s probably my fault.’ jaebum whispers in jinyoung’s ear as he hugs him.

‘we should probably go in and get changed…’ bambam gestures to the side door of the auditorium.

‘shit, you’re right.’ jungkook looked down at his watch.

‘jungkook!’ jin yelled at his son, noticing that jinyoung’s swearing at definitely rubbed off on the kids. he looked over to namjoon briefly, to give him the evil eye about the kid’s swearing.

‘sorry mom, love you, see you after.’ jungkook kisses jin’s cheek as he follows bambam and yugyeom into the auditorium.

as they start walking, jinyoung notices that jin is holding a bouquet for jungkook.

‘shit, we didn’t get the losers anything,’ jinyoung frowns, finally noticing that jin had brought jungkook a bouquet of flowers. he quickly looked between his kids and jaebum. ‘everyone check your pockets.’

‘i have a 50% off voucher for this pizza place?’ jaebum took the coupon out of his back pocket.

‘perfect, let’s give them that.’

‘i kinda wanted to use it myself…’ jaebum sighed, mourning the pizza he was going to get tomorrow.

‘i swear to god, jaebum. i havent missed this.’ jinyoung begins walking inside to his seat, the rest of the kids and jaebum following soon after.

 

 

bambam, yugyeom and kookie make their way out of the side door back to where their families were waiting. as they walked passed another family, the three of them heard someone’s parent clearly talking about bambam, incredibly rudely.

bambam, yugyeom and jungkook all frowned, not quite believing that someone would be so rude in public. yugyeom placed on arm over his brother’s shoulder almost instantly, trying to comfort him. when they finally reached the others, bambam looked about ready to cry. jungkook and yugyeom both looked like they could kill the dude with their bare hands.

‘hey what’s wrong? you guys did amazing!’ jackson grinned, patting bambam on the shoulder.

‘that dude clearly didn’t think so.’ yugyeom muttered under his breath.

‘wait which guy? what did he say?’ jin asked, looking very concerned.

‘he called bambam some shitty names and said that he should ‘stick to sucking dick’ or something.’ jungkook told them.

‘i don’t fucking think so. hold this.’ jinyoung shoved his bag at jaebum and started to walk over there.

‘do you think its okay to bully 15 year olds? about their sexuality? you think that’s fucking cool? how about this?’ jinyoung yells at the man, before punching him square in the jaw. everyone in the courtyard collectively gasped, some of them even clapping.

‘nobody talks shit about my children but me, because i raised them and i will roast them as i damn well please. do you understand me, or do you want to be hit again?’ the man nodded meekly, dragging his wife away from jinyoung. jinyoung then proceeded to walk back to the two families and took his bag back from jaebum.

‘thank you so much mom, i love you so much!’ bambam yells, as he attaches himself to jinyoung’s side. jinyoung lets him hold on for a second, patting his hair.

‘alright that’s enough, you’re sweating.’ bambam doesn’t let go. ‘no seriously get the fuck away from me.’ bambam lets go, and goes to stand back besides yugyeom ( and by extension, jungkook).

‘that was fucking badass.’ jimin almost yelled.  jin opened his mouth to scold his son for swearing, but stopped, not wanting to ruin the moment.

‘okay, okay, lets get back to you guy’s amazing performance! it was so good!’ jin told all three of them, and handing jungkook the bouquet.

‘it was so good! jimin and i have some competition!’ hobi grinned, playfully shoving his youngest brother. mark ruffled bambam’s hair, pulling him into a side hug. jackson joined in almost instantly, pulling youngjae, jaebum and jinyoung into the hug. yugyeom was still quietly talking to jungkook, grinning.

‘hey, you did amazing today, bro.’ jungkook smiled shyly at yugyeom.

‘thanks bro, you were incredible too.’

‘here, have this.’ jungkook pulled one of the flowers out of his bouquet and gave it to yugyeom, who blushed and looked down at the ground.

‘you wanna have pizza with us? i could probably convince the fam to let you all come over?’

‘bro, you know me so well.’ they finally turned back to the others, who were all staring at them.

‘i think i’m going to be sick.’ jackson says quietly.

‘hey mom, can we have the kim’s over to have pizza?’

‘fine.’ jinyoung groaned. ‘but you’re responsible for cleaning the house tomorrow, not jin.’

‘sure, whatever!’ yugyeom high fived jungkook, and then bambam.

 

 

**rap monster messaged gourmet mom**

 

 **rap monster:** hey

 **rap monster:** please talk to me

 **rap monster:** im sorry i didn’t tell you about hobi

 **gourmet mom:** if you were sorry you wouldn’t have lied to me.

 **rap monster:** i didn’t really lie…

 **gourmet mom:** yes you did.

 **rap monster:** anyway i’m sorry

 **rap monster:** i’ll tell you straight away next time

 **rap monster:** babe

 **rap monster:** are u still there?

 **rap monster:** i love you, i’m so sorry

 **rap monster:** if you don’t message me back, i’ll send you awful pick up lines until you respond

 **rap monster:** nope?

 **rap monster:** is your name google, because you have everything i'm searching for

 **rap monster:** if i had to rate you from 1-10, i would rate you nine because i'm the one you need

 **rap monster:** i'm not a photographer, but i can picture us together.

 **rap monster:** are you a magician? because abraca-dayum!

 **rap monster:** i wish i was your derivative so i could lie tangent to your curves

 **gourmet mom:** i don’t even get that one

 **rap monster:** ha

 **rap monster:** i had to help kookie with his math homework today when i thought of that

 **gourmet mom:** i miss our babies

 **gourmet mom:** even the slutty one

 **rap monster:** which one is the slutty one again?

 **gourmet mom:** :/

 **rap monster:** just kidding babe

 **rap monster:** all of the others are too chicken to pull anything like that

 **rap monster:** kookie and yugyeom might surprise us tho

 **gourmet mom:** nahhhhh

 **gourmet mom:** yugyeom is such a girl

 **gourmet mom:** no way does that  become an actual thing in the next month. possibly even more.

 **rap monster:** i’ll bet you 20 bucks that they get together in the next week

 **gourmet mom:** you’re on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hey, thanks for reading and all that. my cowriter has a new tumblr where she draw bts as hogwarts students and the crazy stuff they get up to. please please please follow her, they're really cute and funny!! @ur-a-wizard-bts 
> 
> as usual, @pan-galactics and @catladyjaebum are our tumblrs, follow them or whatever


	10. Day Nine - Saturday

‘hey jin, do u know where my jacket is?’ jackson shouted from upstairs, looking for an outfit for the party that evening.

‘oh its in the cupboard in the lounge.’ jin yelled back from the lounge, putting down his book.

 

-an hour later-

 

‘jin, ive lost my school bag, do you know where it is?’ jackson looked around the house about four times, opening every cupboard and door, checking behind and under things. ‘i left my wallet in there, but now i can’t find it.’

‘your wallet isnt in your school bag, its in the fruit bowl in the kitchen. as for your bag, you left it in the laundry, because you were going to wash it, remember?’ jin patted jackson on the head. jackson looked at him in wonder, beginning to think of an idea.

he quickly pulled his phone out of his pocket and texted all of his brothers to meet in his and youngjae’s room.

‘okay, you’re all here. i have come to believe that jin is either magic or has a crazy superpower;’ jackson paused, ‘finding things that i have lost. i would like to test this theory. please, could all of you hide an object, and ask jin where it is. don’t be suspicious, and don’t really hide it because that defeats the purpose.

 

twenty minutes later, five objects sat on the kitchen table, with all five boys, jin, and jaebum all standing around staring at them.

‘what the fuck.’ jackson questions.

‘language, jackson, how many times do i need to tell you?’

‘is there anything that you could never find?’ youngjae asks, smiling at jin.

‘taehyung lost a sock once. it haunts me.’ mark silently leaves the table, goes up to his room and comes back, holding a sock.

‘is it this one?’ he asks, placing it on the table.

‘holy shit.’ jin exclaims, picking it up to find the ‘kim taehyung’ label on the inside.

‘why the fuck did you keep it for this long if it had his name on it?’ jaebum asks, frowning.

‘well there could be more than one kim taehyung. the reason i had it is because a girl left it here like 2 months ago. i was gonna chuck it out, but i didnt for some reason.’ mark shrugs.

‘then how does this girl have tae’s sock?’ jackson asked.

‘i’ll ask.’ mark pulls out his phone and starts texting. a minute later, the phone beeps and mark looks at it again. ‘she said that she borrowed the sock from her sister.’

‘who the fuck is this sister and why does she have tae’s sock?’ the phone beeps again.

‘she just asked her sister, and her sister got it from a work christmas party. like as a stupid gift or something.’

‘would it be weird if we asked for the coworkers number, because i want to solve this mystery. it literally keeps me awake at night.’

‘nah lets ask.’

‘hey, this is super weird but im trying to solve a mystery about a sock. the workplace party where you got given the sock, that you gave to your sister, was it from anyone called taehyung?’ mark asks the girl over the phone.

‘no, no taehyung. i got it from this dude jae-hyuk something. do you want his number?’

‘yes please, that would be incredible, thank you so much.’ mark hangs up phone. another text comes through, this time with the number of jae-hyuk.

‘hey, let me call this one.’ jin takes the phone from mark and calls the number.

 ‘hello, my name is seokjin. this is a really weird question, but last christmas you gave an odd sock to one of your coworkers. we’re trying to work out where it came from, can you tell me where you got it?’

‘oh, i found it in my gym stuff. i washed it and thought it would be funny. does that answer your question?’

‘okay, which gym sorry?’

‘oh, the one on the third level of the mall near that big park.’

‘thank you, we appreciate your time.’ jin hangs up the phone and hands it back to mark. ‘who do we know who goes to the gym that’s in the mall down by the park.’

‘that’s where dad and i go!’  jackson yells excitedly.

‘did you ever borrow any socks from taehyung?’ yugyeom asked jackson.

‘yeah, i always forgot. we had the same gym class last semester and he always brought an extra pair.’

‘wait wait, hold up. are you telling me that you knew that you borrowed the sock, and didnt say anything?’ jaebum asked, looking up at jackson and sighing.

‘honestly i forgot until just then.’ the entire table groans at jackson.

‘you’re the worst, jackson.’ bambam tells him, getting up from the table.

‘at least i found the sock!!’ jin grins, pulling jackson into a hug and ruffling his hair. ‘i appreciate you even when you’re being an idiot.’

 

 

 

**kookie messaged kiddos**

 

 **kookie:** how does jinyoung feel about bucket hats

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** um, why?

 **jimin:** dad is wearing one and we cant tell whether he likes it or not

 **double b:** please explain

 **tae:** well dad walked in and jinyoung said ‘not you too’

 **jimin:** and then he told dad that it was too painful to look at him

 **jimin:** and then continued to look at him

 **double b:** i mean, jb wears them all the time.

 **jflawless:** we dont really know whether he likes them or not

 **tae:** jesus okay

 **tae:** thank u

 

**jinyoung messaged rap monster**

 

 **jinyoung:** why are u trying to hurt me

 **rap monster:** what

 **jinyoung:** namjoon please can you stop wearing the hat

 **rap monster:** why

 **rap monster:** whats the matter with it?

 **jinyoung:** please, you’re killing me

 **jinyoung:** i have a husband to get back to

 **rap monster:** what’s that supposed to mean

 **jinyoung:** p l e a s e

 

 

**gourmet mom messaged jinyoung**

 

 **gourmet mom:** look idk what youre doing but i don’t like it

 **jinyoung:** what the fuck

 **gourmet mom:** i just have a feeling youre thirsting over my husband

 **gourmet mom:** so tone it down

 **jinyoung:** how do u even

 **jinyoung:** don’t kinkshame me

 **jinyoung:** u posted  picture of jaebum shirtless on ur facebook page

 **gourmet mom:** …….

 **gourmet mom:** i suppose i see your point.

 

 

**jimin messaged tae:**

 

 **jimin:** yo who was that, ive never seen them before

 **tae:** oh that’s the other taehyung

 **tae:** he used to go to school with jisoo until she moved

 **jimin:** yeah but how do you know him?

 **tae:** i met him at yerin’s baby shower

 **jimin:** who the fuck is yerin?

 **jimin:** i swear to god

 

 

after taking the kids to the party, jinyoung found himself laying on the couch and looking at photo albums of the kim kids. although he really didnt want to admit it, he missed his kids and jaebum more than even he had expected. seeing them the night before only made the homesickness worse.

jinyoung laid there for almost an hour, until namjoon came out of the little studio/music room down the hall and sat on the couch opposite him.

‘you missing jaebum and the kids?’ namjoon gestured to the photo album in his lap. jinyoung hesitantly nodded, putting the album down on the coffee table and sitting up.

‘yeah, surprisingly. this is one of the longest times i’ve gone without being home. i never liked business trips, especially since jaebum and i have been together so long, i’m used to him just, being there when i’m sad.’

‘this is the longest jin and i have ever been apart, in the 15 years we’ve been married. i know how you feel.’ namjoon sighed. ‘no offence, but you’re like the exact opposite of jin. i just really miss his presence in the house.’

‘you’re pretty similar to jaebum sometimes. the fucking bucket hats for example. and the music thing.’ there’s silence for a short moment, while jinyoung thinks. ‘wait, so how did you meet jin?’

‘um, why?’ namjoon asks.

‘well, you guys are very different. you didnt go to the same high school or university, you have completely separate interests. he’s a food critic, and you’re a dj and producer. like how do you end up meeting someone outside of that?’

‘oh, jin saw me rapping in a club that his friends dragged him too. he literally wouldnt stop hitting on me until i agreed to go on a date with him.’ namjoon smiled, remembering their first meeting.  ‘he doesnt seem the type, huh? i think he was really looking to settle down with someone. but anyway, we got married two years later, when i was 25. we adopted yoongi five years later, and the rest of the kids came after.’

‘what about you, jinyoung? how did you meet jaebum?’

‘oh, we’d known each other since we were about 14 through um, extra curricular activities,’ jinyoung pauses. ‘we got together when we were 18. we adopted mark about a year later, and then yugyeom and bambam last in 2004.’

‘you adopted mark a year after you got together?’

‘well, we’d basically been together since we were 14. jaebum just suddenly wanted kids, and he convinced me, i guess.’ jinyoung shrugged.

‘what about your wedding?’

‘oh, jaebum and i arent married. we never got the opportunity, i suppose. the kids take up a lot more of my time than i originaly thought they would.’

‘wait so how long have you been together then? did you never think about getting properly married?’

‘it’ll be twenty years in a week. and yeah, we’ve always talked about it. at first, we couldnt really afford a big wedding. because we got mark and the other kids so early, we couldnt really afford to have a wedding. jaebum was barely making any money composing, and i was only getting a starting salary at the company.’

‘and you haven’t thought about it since?’

‘no, we have. it’s just that everything is so busy, we don’t have the time to organise a wedding.’

‘hmmmm’

 

 

**tae messaged kiddos**

 

 **tae:** i dont understand how jinyoung is as bad as u said

 **tae** : i know we’ve talked about this like three times

 **tae:** but he’s fuckin awesome omg

 **jimin:** he literally high fived me as i got into the car bc i had a hickey

 **jimin:** he told me he was proud of me

 **jflawless:** i remember when i got my first hickey

 **jflawless:** he took photos

 **hobi:** he didnt even get mad when we had to stop the car so i wouldnt be sick

 **sunshine:** jinyoung is so nice to all of us

 **sunshine:** none of you ever notice

 **double b:** yeah, we know

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** its fun to be mean to him sometimes tho


	11. Day 10 - Sunday

**jimin messaged kim + jinyoung**

**jimin:** can we go to the park today?

 **tae:** like have a picnic or something

 **hobi:**!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **jinyoung:** um, why?

 **jimin:** because jin takes us on picnics sometimes and i miss him

 **jinyoung:** what are you, five?

 **kookie:** jinyoung please

 **jinyoung:** okay fine.

 **hobi:**  i’m gonna walk there, anyone wanna come with?

 **jinyoung:** i’ll walk with you, i need the exercise

 **jimin:** i’ll walk too

 **rap monster:** so i’m driving yoongi, taehyung, kookie and myself?

 **suga:** yep

 

 

 

**jinyoung messaged kim + jinyoung**

**jinyoung:** okay we just got here, where are you guys.

 **jinyoung:** i’ve found a really nice spot under this tree

 **hobi:** okay but consider this

 **hobi:** we got here first

 **suga:** hobi that’s not how you do it.

 **suga:** where we’re sitting, we can see these people doing stunts with swords and fire and stuff

 **suga:** someone might get hurt

 **jinyoung:** #sold

 **jinyoung:** this kid gets it.

 

 

‘hey look at the dudes with the swords. what idiots, volunteering to have knives thrown at them.’ jinyoung watches from the other side of the park.

‘isn’t that our idiots?’ yoongi asks, looking up at the performance on the other side of the park.

‘holy shit, that’s our idiots.’  jinyoung nudges namjoon. ‘go get your monsters, i can’t be bothered getting up.’ jinyoung tells namjoon. namjoon sighs, getting up and walking across the park to where taehyung and hoseok were standing there listening to the guys talk. as namjoon walks over, he notices hoseok answer a phone call.

‘okay fine, we wont, are you happy?’ hoseok hangs up the phone and frowns. he turns to the performers, and apologises.

‘i’m sorry, my dude. next week?’ tae says, bro-hugging the dude.

‘for sure, tae!’ hoseok and taehyung walk back to where namjoon is standing.

‘why cant we do it?’ tae asked, frowning slightly.

‘mom just called and told me that he had a feeling that we were going to do something stupid and told us not to do it. he called my by my full name too.’ hobi sighed. ‘we never get to do anything fun without mom telling us not to.’

‘how the fuck does he know?’  taehyung questioned.

‘we’ve been together for 15 years and i still don’t know how he knows all the time.’ namjoon tells them, dragging them both back to the picnic.

‘hey jimin, i’m going to come back and see them perform next week, you wanna come with?’ taehyung asked his brother, sitting down on the blanket.

‘why?’

‘oh i promised jaehyun that i would come volunteer next week.’

‘how? you were there for three minutes.’

‘i dunno, chim, we just hit it off.’

‘i actually hate you.’

 

 

 

jinyoung sat in the kim living room, watching the kids being weird. about 20 minutes before, namjoon had come home from his sunday radio show, carrying his work bag which definitely seemed heavier than what it was when he left earlier in the day.

namjoon made some excuse, and quickly made his way upstairs, jungkook following him. soon after, the rest of the kids slowly left the living room where they had been sitting and playing video games, to follow their father and brothers up the stairs.

jinyoung frowned, the sudden silence downstairs making him feel slightly uncomfortable. jinyoung didnt remember a time in the past 20 years when everything was quiet. jinyoung got up, walking upstairs to see what was going on. jinyoung stopped outside of all of the kid’s bedroom doors, listening to find where they were.

he finally got to tae, jimin, and jungkook’s room, where he could hear the kids whispering and talking amongst each other. he knocked on the door.

‘hey, can i come in?’

‘yeah, just give us a second.’ jinyoung heard shuffling for a minute, before jimin opened the door for him.  as jinyoung walked in, he could smell food.

‘are you eating in here?’ all the kids and namjoon shake their heads, looking down at the ground. jinyoung sighs, and goes to walk out when he sees a box of chicken wings sitting behind namjoon on taehyung’s bed.

‘lit, are those chicken wings?’ jinyoung asked, sitting down on the floor next to hobi and yoongi. ‘why are you eating them up here?’

‘last time jin caught us eating chicken wings...’ namjoon shudders. ‘it wasnt nice, lets just say that.’

‘well i wont tell him, i love chicken wings.’ jinyoung took one of the chicken wings from the box. the kids continued to eat, falling back into the joking banter that had been going on downstairs before namjoon arrived with the chicken.

 

**jinyoung messaged jaebum**

**jinyoung:** yo guess what

 **jinyoung:** namjoon just tried to sneak in chicken wings for the kids but now we all eating them and chilling

 **jinyoung:** bc jin wont let the kims get takeout

 **jaebum:** he wont let us get takeout

 **jaebum:** that’s actually genius

 **jaebum:** do you think i can hide a pizza box under my jacket

 **jinyoung:** you’re pathetic.

 

 

**jaebum messaged park-im + jin**

**jaebum removed gourmet mom from the chat**

**jaebum:** children i have a plan

 **jaebum:** i’m going to need your help

 **sunshine:** whats up, dad?

 **jaebum:** i’m gonna go get a pizza. i need you all to distract jin and get him to go out so we can eat

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** heck yeah!!!

 **double b:** you’re the best, dad

 **jflawless:** i can tell him i need more of my protein powder and stuff?

 **jaebum:** do that. he’ll have to go to the shops and get it

 **jaebum:** i’ll order the pizza right now and we can eat it quickly while jin is out

 **double b:** yaaaaasssssssss

 

**-10 minutes later-**

 

 **jaebum:** i’m almost home, everyone assemble in yugbam’s  room

jaebum brings in the pizza, quickly running up to the youngest kid’s room. ‘we have like 10 minutes, please everyone eat all of it. i dont want jin to murder me.’ jaebum sets the pizza down on the floor, sitting down and taking a slice.

‘this is the best pizza ever.’ jackson says, shoving a whole slice into his mouth. all of the kids made various noises in agreement, too busy eating to say anything else.

 

not even three minutes later, jaebum and the kids heard the front door shutting, and jin yelling that he was home.

‘shit, hide this somewhere!!’ jaebum shoved the box at jackson. jackson and mark both jumped up, opening their wardrobe to find a place to stash the box, but it was such a mess that neither could find any space to put it. they quickly closed the doors, and ran to their beds, looking underneath. there was no room either, because bambam’s thousands of clothes were shoved under both beds.

‘why the fuck do you have so much shit??’ jackson whisper-yelled at the youngest two, shoving the box at them. they heard jin’s steps down the hallway. bambam opened the window and threw the pizza box out, just before jin opened the door.

‘what are all of you doing in here?’

‘yugyeom asked for advice about dating jungkook.’ jackson told jin, smiling at his youngest brother. yugyeom turned red, looking out the window.

‘well that’s none of my business. if all of you would like to come downstairs soon, i want to organise dinner.’ jin walked back out of the room, closing the door behind him.

‘thanks, bambam.’ mark groaned, looking out the window at the pizza box in the backyard.

‘i panicked!’

‘so are we going to go get it, or...?’ yugyeom asked.

‘no, of course not.’ 

‘well... i wouldnt mind a little bit more...’

‘alright well i brought this thing in, you guys need to work out how to get it from the backyard.’ jaebum told them. ‘be quick though, jin wanted us downstairs for dinner soon.’

 

 

**jinyoung messaged jaebum**

 

 **jinyoung:** i kinda miss my own kids

 **jinyoung:** even the shitheads

 **jinyoung:** dont tell them that, i have a reputation to uphold

 **jaebum:** dont worry babe, we miss you too

 **jaebum:** <3 <3 <3

 **jinyoung:** dont be sappy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hello everyone I’m sorry it’s been so long but I’m back!! (I’m in my first year of uni and it’s quite difficult, lol). To make up for my late posting, the next part will be posted tomorrow, so make sure you check back tomorrow!
> 
> Thank you for all your comments, they make me so happy, I love you guys so much!!
> 
> In other news, I deleted my old tumblr, and created a new one that is just kpop (and maybe some reactions/drabbles and stuff, I’ve been thinking about it for a little while now) so you can find me [here](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com/). you can also find my cowriter/love of my life [here](https://catladyjaebum.tumblr.com/). She also has a bts!hogwarts blog that is incredible, you can check it out [here](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com/)


	12. Day Eleven - Monday

**hobi messaged kiddos**

**hobi:** i officially take back every nice thing i ever said about jinyoung

 **hobi:** he’s a dick

 **mark:**  what did he do?

 **jimin:** he made us watch a horror movie and then kept scaring hoseok

 **hobi:** i am traumatised

 **jflawless:** well that was your first mistake, you showed him weakness

 **double b:** he can smell that shit or something

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** last time he got mark to scare bambam and chase him down the hall

 **sunshine:** he literally ran into a glass door trying to get away

 **tae:** lol

 **mark:** that was really funny hahaha

 **suga:** i should prank hobi more often, it was funny

 **hobi:** i’m glad u thought so :(

 

**jinyoung messaged rap monster**

**jinyoung:** look i appreciate that ur an intellectional and that u want to spend time with me but i don’t give a shit about kanye

 **rap monster:** fine

 **jinyoung:** ….

 **rap monster:**   wanna gossip about teachers at the kids’ school?

 **jinyoung:** spill the tea bitch

 

**gourmet mom messaged regrets.jpeg**

**gourmet mom:** hey this photo album i found has a photo of yugyeom and bambam with those child leash things on

 **gourmet mom:** how old were they?

 **jinyoung:** in that photo, like 7

 **gourmet mom:** isn’t that like, too old for child leashes?

 **gourmet mom:** like, weren’t they too strong?

 **jinyoung:** not for jaebum, he’s ripped

 **jinyoung:** plus we used them until yugbam were 12

 **jinyoung:** so we got used to it

 **rap monster:** for real?

 **jaebum:** yeah, they were pretty annoying

 **jinyoung:** and didnt like to listen

 **gourmet mom:** ..........

 

**gourmet mom messaged park-im + jin**

**gourmet mom:** is there anywhere bambam goes after school to hang out?

 **gourmet mom:** i can’t seem to find him

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** he came home from school with all of us

 **gourmet mom:** and he’s not in any of your rooms?

 **sunshine:** not in jackson and i’s room

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** obviously not, i thought he was downstairs

 **jaebum:** he’s not with me

 **mark:** he’s not with me either

 **gourmet mom:** oh shit

 **jaebum:** oh shit indeed.

 

**jinyoung messaged park-im + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **jinyoung:** you shitheads (i’m refering to literally all of you this time)

 **jinyoung:** better not have lost my son

 **jinyoung:** i know he isnt my favourite but i’ll still be mad if you have lost him

 **jaebum:** we’re looking for him, i’m sure he just went for a walk and forgot to tell us or something

 **jflawless:** have you met bambam?

 **jflawless:** he literally told me earlier that he was going to pee

 **jinyoung:** jaebum how the fuck could you have lost our son

 **jinyoung:** he’s been kidnapped

 **jinyoung:** we’re never going to see him again.

 

**gourmet mom messaged park-im + jin**

 

 **gourmet mom:**   can you all meet me in the kitchen please we’re going to have to look for him

 

‘okay we’re all here,’ jin told them, putting his phone down on the table. ‘bambam came home with all of you, right?’

‘yeah, we were doing homework in our room and he got up suddenly and left. he didn’t come back but i just figured he went downstairs to bother mark or something.’

‘what time was that?’

‘maybe like two hours ago? three? I'm not sure...' yugyeom looked at the clock on the wall.

‘well have any of you seen him since?’ everyone shook their heads, looking around the room uncomfortably.

‘hey, what are you guys doing?’ bambam walks into the kitchen, putting his phone down on the kitchen bench. the park-im’s and jin all look up, seeing bambam standing in the doorway. jackson and yugyeom both run to hug him, everyone else following soon after.

‘what the fuck, bam, we were worried about you! you absolute shithead!!!’ jaebum grabs onto bambam and pulls him into a hug.

‘i was literally on the roof why are you all freaking out.’

‘oh yeah, you sit on the roof sometimes.’ yugyeom grins at his brother. mark slaps him across the head.

‘you idiot, that would have been helpful information like a half an hour ago.’

 

**jinyoung messaged park im + markjae and the shitheads**

**jinyoung:** have you found him yet??

 

**-10 minutes later-**

 

 **jinyoung:** why are you all ignoring me

 **jinyoung:** i’m coming over right now

 **double b:** hey i’m here

 **double b:** i was just taking a nap on the roof

 **double b:** but it’s cute u care so much

 **jinyoung:** you actual piece of shit

 **jinyoung:** you fUCKING IDIOT WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH U

 **jinyoung:** WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU I SWEAR TO GOD

 **jinyoung:** YOURE GONNA WISH U NEVER WOKE UP

 

jinyoung arrives at his house in less than five minutes, having driven over at an alarming speed from his work. he grabbed his briefcase and stormed into his house.

‘alright fuckers, where is jaebum?’ jinyoung asks the kids, who are sitting at the table. jin looks up, mortified at jinyoung’s language.

‘i’m right here, babe. what’s up?’ jaebum walks out of the kitchen, holding a glass of water.

‘can you put that down for a second?’ jaebum puts the glass down on the table, frowning. jinyoung starts hitting him with his briefcase when he gets close enough. ‘i’ve been gone for less than two weeks, and you lose one?’

‘can you stop please that hurts?’ jaebum asks, trying to get away from jinyoung.

‘good. you deserve it.’ jinyoung continues to hit him.

‘how is bambam being an idiot my fault?’

‘because you’re supposed to make sure they arent being dumb, i told you that.’ jinyoung puts down the suitcase. ‘out of all of them too, you lost bambam. his weak ass is skinny, he could never defend himself.’

‘hey, i’m right here!’ bambam yells at jinyoung. yugyeom leans over and pats his shoulder, comforting him.

‘shut up, idiot, i’m busy yelling at your father.’

‘stop calling me an idiot, this is the first time i’ve done something irresponsible ever.’

‘no it’s not, i have a list.’ mark tells him, pulling out his phone. ‘it’s alphabetised.’

‘good lord,’ jin sighs.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, part 12 like I promised the next day!!! (I mean, at least for me lol)  
> Follow me on tumblr [here](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com/), my cowriter/love of my life [here](https://catladyjaebum.tumblr.com/). bts!hogwarts blog where the aforementioned love of my life draws our favourite bangtan boys and their dumb antics at hogwarts [here](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com/).
> 
> Also I’m sorry to be sappy for a second but this fic has been my baby for a little while now, and it’s gotten way popular. I just wanted to thank you all so much. I know it’s just a dumb meme, and it’s not particularly well written, but Allie and I have spent a really long time talking about this thing, headcannons, all of this ridiculous stuff that hasn’t even made it to the fic.  
> There are like, six more parts to this fic, including A Brief Yugkook Interlude™, so we aren’t finished just yet, but there are definitely some side fics in the works, if you all are interested in that, let me know if you’re interested in that (my favourite side fic so far is currently entitled Jackson Wang and the Tinder Incident™).


	13. Day Twelve - Tuesday

**gourmet mom messaged bangtan boys**

**gourmet mom:** i just wanted to remind you all that i love and miss you very much

 **gourmet mom:** i hope you all have a good day today!!

 **gourmet mom:** i’ll see you all really soon!!

 **jimin:** love you too mom

 **tae:** <3

 **hobi:** <3

 **suga:** i hope you have a good day too mom, love you

 **rap monster:** love you baby :*

 **rap monster:** jungkook have you got anything to say to your mom?

 **kookie:** love you mom -.-

 

 

**hobi messaged kiddos**

**hobi:** hey, do any of you know why jinyoung is so sad this morning

 **jimin:** he straight up ignored everyone at breakfast

 **double b:** that has literally never happened before

 **jflawless:** none of you said anything?

 **suga:** i cant think of anything???

 **mark:** hmmmmmm

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** none of you called him old or anything?

 **double b:** he gets upset at that

 **mark:** you’re both so dumb i swear to god

 **mark:** people do generally tend to get upset when you call them old

 **double b:** don’t treat us like idiots just because we’re stupid?

 **suga:** that’s the dumbest thing i’ve ever heard

 **mark:** that’s not even the dumbest thing the trashbags have said this morning

 **jimin:** can we get back to jinyoung?

 **mark:** i have an assignment due tonight, i can’t go and see him. youngjae?

 **sunshine:** i have to work on a project with sehun tonight

 **jflawless:** i’ll go

 **jflawless:** but if he bullies me, i’m suing

 **tae:** please just fix it

 **tae:** i actually miss him roasting the shit out of jimin and i

 

jackson arrived at jinyoung’s office building at around 2, after almost an hour on the bus. he’d left school early, figuring that jinyoung was way more important than whatever stupid math they were learning at the time. jackson quickly straightened his shirt, and then walked into the huge building. he made his way over to reception, standing there for a minute before the receptionist looked up at him.

‘hi, how can i help you today?’ she asked him, completely monotone. jackson couldn’t blame her, if he was being completely honest. the idea of answering phones all day, and sitting in the one place sent a shiver through him.

‘i’m here to see jinyoung park-im?’ the receptionist rolled her eyes and picked up the phone sitting next to her.

‘jinyoung, there’s someone here for you.’ jackson could hear jinyoung on the other end of the phone, questioning her about who was here to see him. ‘one of your devil spawn, probably.’ the receptionist hung up the phone, while jinyoung was mid sentence.

‘just go up, level 12. you know which office, right?’

‘yep.’ jackson stated awkwardly, walking towards the elevators. when jackson got into the elevator, he felt immediatly out of place among the countless business people in suits. when he finally reached jinyoung’s floor, he quickly got out of the elevator and made a beeline to jinyoung’s office. jackson knocks, and jinyoung tells him to come in. ‘hey mom! how are you today?’

‘oh! jackson! i thought it was going to be youngjae.’

‘the kim kids said that you were sad at breakfast. youngjae is busy tonight with a project, and mark has a late class or something.’ jackson stops, noticing jinyoung’s face fall slightly. ‘i know i’m not the kid you probably wanted to see, but i’m here to make you feel better!’

‘you’re the kid i needed to see today. i love you, jackson, i hope you know that.’ jinyoung looks like he’s about to cry as he gets up from his desk to hug his son. ‘let’s get out of here and go shopping. i’ll take the rest of the day off.’ jinyoung sits back down at his desk, typing a quick email telling everyone that he’s going home for the day, before grabbing his suit jacket and briefcase.

‘wang gae,’jackson started, waiting for jinyoung to finish.

‘i can’t believe you still remember that.’ jinyoung sighs as he closes the door to his office.

‘i’m going to keep saying it until you respond. wang gae,’

‘park gae.’

‘aaaaaaaaaaaaa!!’ jackson screams, and everyone in the office looks up at jackson, giving him a dirty look. jinyoung glares at all of them, and they all look back down at their desks.

‘that’s what i thought.’ jinyoung mutters, dragging jackson to the elevators. ‘your name isnt even wang anymore?’

‘its still cute, leave me alone.’

 

 

 

**double b messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **double b:** yugkook is slowly sailing i’m so excited

 **double b:** they’re watching mission impossible or something on the couch and sitting real close.

 **jflawless:** so should we change yugy’s name to jungkookfucker69 now?

**jaebum removed jflawless from the chat**

**double b added jflawless to the chat**

**jflawless:** bitch u thought

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** i’d prefer chrisbrownfucker69

 **chrisbrownfucker69:** if i’m honest

**jflawless changed chrisbrownfucker69’s name to jungkookfucker69**

**jflawless:** #iconic

jungkook and yugyeom had spent the past hour playing video games and inching closer to each other on the couch. bambam, who was watching from the kitchen table, could see how increasingly lame they were getting. it was clear, to almost everyone who knew them that they liked each other, but both seemed to refuse to admit it.

‘hey, i’m really thirsty, can you get me a drink?’ jungkook asked, looking over at yugyeom. yugyeom stood up, putting his phone down where he was sitting.

‘sure, what do you want?’

‘anything is fine’

 

**jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jflawless:** @jungkookfucker69, can you get me a drink too?

 

jungkook noticed yugyeom’s phone vibrating on the couch, and picked it up. he wasn’t planning on reading the message, but he did and was shocked momentarily. jungkook stood up and walked into the kitchen.

‘why is your name in your family chat ‘jungkookfucker?’ suddenly, bambam started laughing, along with jackson, mark, and jaebum, who were hidden watching the yugkook date.

‘see um, it’s just a really dumb joke, don’t even worry about it.’ yugyeom tried to explain, snatching his phone back out of jungkook’s hand.

‘let me see!’ jungkook reaches to grab the phone back from yugyeom. yugyeom panics, slapping jungkook in the face and running out of the kitchen.

 ‘yugy, im disappointed, jinyoung taught us that domestic violence is never okay.’ bambam says from the table. at that moment, jaebum, jackson and mark laugh harder than they had before.

‘hey, we should go to my room to escape. i’ll explain, i promise.’ yugyeom grabs jungkook by the arm gently and takes him upstairs to his room. jaebum, mark and jackson all come out from their hiding place, walking into the kitchen and looking at bambam.

‘we’re not just gonna let them get away with that are we?’jackson asked, looking up the stairs towards yugyeom and bambam’s room. bambam gets up from the table and goes to the kitchen, pulling a glass out of the cupboard.

‘alright, let’s go snoop.’

 

twenty minutes later, jin finds the four of them standing in the hallway, ears to bambam and yugyeom’s door.

‘what are they doing?’ jin askes youngjae, who is standing in the end of the hallway, holding coco.

‘jungkook and yugyeom are ‘hanging out’ in yugy’s room.’ jackson tells him, trying to be quiet but not succeeding at all.

‘why didn’t you tell me jungkook was coming?’

‘well to be honest, we didnt know either.’ bambam tells jin, grinning at the double entendre. jaebum, mark and jackson all laugh again, high fiving the younger.

‘what?’ jin asks, frowning because he didn’t get the dumb joke. bambam opens his mouth to explain, before jaebum places his hand over his mouth.

‘don’t explain it.’ jaebum tells him, and then turning back to the door. ‘now shush, i don’t want them to hear us.’

‘you really should have been more sneaky then.’ yugyeom answers through the door. the five of them standing in front of the door look between each other, before booking it back to the living room.

 

**jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jflawless:** mom have u read this yet bc omg

 **jinyoung:** i was having a nap what happened

 **double b:** yugkook on a cute movie date at the house and we’ve been snooping the entire time.

 **jinyoung:** what

 **jinyoung:** i can’t believe i missed that **  
jinyoung:** next time u gotta facetime me or something, fuck

 

 

**jinyoung messaged kim + jinyoung**

**jinyoung:** why did none of you tell me jungkook was going to my house?

 **tae:** honestly i forgot lol

 **tae:** he just told me that he was going like an hour and a half ago

 **jinyoung:** bitch

 **jinyoung** : why do you want me to dislike you

 **jinyoung:** do you noy think that’s something i would want to know

 **jimin:** he’s got you there, tae

 **tae:** oh fuck off.

 

 

 

**jimin messaged gourmet mom:**

 

 **jimin:** hey mom

 **gourmet mom:** what’s up baby?

 **gourmet mom:** you okay?

 **jimin:** i just miss you a lot

 **jimin:** jinyoung isn’t a hugger

 **gourmet mom:** oh baby have you asked your dad for cuddles?

 **jimin:** it’s not the same

 **gourmet mom:** i’m so sorry baby

 **gourmet mom:** give me a second

 

 

**gourmet messaged regrets.jpeg**

**gourmet mom:** @namjoon and jinyoung

 **gourmet mom:** hug my children

 **gourmet mom:** all of them

 **jinyoung:** why tho?

 **gourmet mom:** jimin is sad bc he misses my cuddles

 **gourmet mom:** if jimin is upset, it means that tae and hobi are also upset and just havent said anything

 **jinyoung:** ugh fine

 **rap monster:** ohhhh that’s why jimin just came and hugged me

 **rap monster:** i’ll try harder babe

 **gourmet mom:** love you  <3

 **jaebum:** jinyoung aren’t you gonna tell me that you love me?

 **jinyoung:** no ew why

 **rap monster:** #truelove

 

**gourmet mom messaged jimin**

**gourmet mom:** if jinyoung and your father don’t come give you cuddles in the next 10 minutes

 **gourmet mom:** tell me and i’ll come beat their asses

 **jimin:** mom you have spent far too long with the park-im’s

 **gourmet mom:** i really have

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay hey everyone a few notes!!!
> 
> 1\. HOLY FUCK THIS ALBUM IS THE ALBUM OF THE CENTURY. Honestly got7 better bring it with their new one or they’re losing their spot as my offical ult group™  
> 2\. DNA is the smash of the century, although my favourites are Best of Me, Go Go, and Dimple. (And Her if I’m being completely honest because hobi saying ‘girl you fuck me up’ is my #aesthetic)  
> 3\. This is probably the end of scheduled updates. My first year of uni is getting down to the pointy end and I really need good grades and not to be distracted by this. At worst, Wife Swap won’t be updated for a month or so, but I am hoping that I have the time to write a little in between assignments so it isnt that long between updates  
> 4\. I’m officially writing drabbles/reactions/other stuff on my [tumblr. ](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com) So far I’ve written some boyfriend!got7s, Uni!girlfriends blackpink and bts on a first date, so if you want anything like that, chuck us a request over there!  
> 5\. As always, my love [@jaehoneybum](https:catladyjaebum.tumblr.com), and her [ bts!hogwarts blog](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com)  
> 6\. I’ve tried really hard to forget my aforementioned got7 bias and write some cute bts (but Jin specifically) stuff, because a few lovely people commented and asked for more of him (tbh couldn’t help but throw some more sappy jinyoung in there too bc i have very little self control)  
> 7\. Thank you so much for reading my homies, it means a lot to me (and allie) that you guys read and comment every new part. It sounds a bit ridiculous but we literally check for comments all the time and send each other the screenshots and fangirl over them, so thank you <3<3<3


	14. Day Thirteen - Wednesday

**jaebum messaged jinyoung**

**jaebum:** i wrote a song for jyp today

 **jaebum:** sorta reminds me of us

 **jaebum:** (screenshot of the lyrics of teenager)

 **jinyoung:** ..........

(like five minutes later)

 **jaebum:** babe what’s wrong?

 **jinyoung:** ..........

 **jinyoung:** what are you doing right now

 **jaebum:** i’m supposed to be picking up the kids from school

 **jaebum:** i can ditch them tho

 **jinyoung:** ditch them and meet me in like 20 minutes

 **jaebum:** make it 15

 **jinyoung:** i’ll do anything if you tell me good boy

 **jaebum:** you better be ready for when i get there holy shit

 

 

**jaebum messaged mark**

**jaebum:** can you please pick up your brothers from school?

 **jaebum:** like now

 **mark:** i’m not home

 **mark:** i’m with some people from my class, we’re doing a project

 **jaebum:** please

 **mark:** sorry dad, i really cant

 **jaebum:** for the love of god mark

 **jaebum:** please

 **jaebum:** i haven’t had sex in a week and a half

 **jaebum:** you can have the car for the rest of the weekend

 **mark:** wow

 **mark:** ok

 **mark:** did not have to know that, btw

 **mark:** but fine i’ll go get them

**tae messaged jinyoung**

**tae:** hey jinyoung

 **tae:** could you please help me with this assignment?

 **jinyoung:** what’s it about?

 **tae:** it’s on that book you read the other day

 **jinyoung:** oh yeah

 **jinyoung:** no i won’t help

 **tae:** why???

 **jinyoung:** you didn’t tell me that jungkook went to my house yesterday

 **tae:** im sorry!!!

 **jinyoung:** i’m still not helping

 **jinyoung:** plus i’m not home right now

 **tae:** :(

 **tae:** wait where are you?

 **jinyoung:** i’m driving home now

 **jinyoung:** ;)

 

‘hey, what are we watching?’ jackson sits down next to his youngest brother on the couch, ruffling his hair.

‘a new drama that came out recently!’ yugyeom grins at his brother. jackson steals the remote from him.  ‘jackson, it’s my turn with the tv, give it back.’

‘yeah but you’re always watching stupid dramas.’ jackson flicks through the channels, looking for something to watch. there’s nothing on, so jackson puts it back on the drama, handing the remote back to his brother.

‘it’s not stupid, jackson, you just dont get it.’ yugyeom rolls his eyes. ‘mom wouldn’t let you bully me like this.’

‘mom would be the one bullying you.’ jaebum, who is sitting at the kitchen table, coughs, trying to hide his laughter.

‘is this the one where the moon is a dude?’ jaebum asks, squinting at the tv.

‘and the dolls with water? yeah.’ bambam answers, rolling his eyes at his younger brother.

‘i can’t believe you make us watch this shit. you can watch it on your phone!’ jackson whinges at yugyeom. yugyeom shrugs.

 ‘the show is ridiculous can we at least watch a good drama?’ bambam sighs.

‘this is a good drama! it’s a dramatic love triangle, but with superpowers and idols, how is that not awesome?’ yugyeom tries to defend the show.

‘the moon is a dude!’ jackson yells.

‘i like it, leave yugyeom alone.’ jin interrupts the boy’s bickering.

‘never’ jackson tackles yugyeom to the ground, trying to grab the remote back. jackson manages to grab the remote from yugyeom, throwing it to jaebum, who was standing in the corner laughing at his children. jaebum holds up the remote, and suddenly bambam is tackling him to the floor. bambam quickly takes the remote off jaebum, and throws it to yugyeom.

‘i don’t want to watch the dumb drama either but #yugbam for life!’ yugyeom sits back on the couch, gripping the remote tightly.

‘dad, i trusted you.’ jackson whines. jaebum shoves him, and then whispers in jackson’s ear. yugyeom eyes his two brothers and his dad cautiously.

‘can we just watch the drama please? i just missed something and now she’s in the hospital.’ yugyeom whines. jaebum and jackson look at yugyeom, genuinely questioning whether he was serious.

‘honestly never mind, fuck #yugbam.’ bambam steals the remote again and throws it at jackson.  yugyeom turns to look at bambam, with a look of betrayal. bambam simply shrugs, looking away from his brother.

‘hey, swearing!!’ jin scolds bambam, hitting him with the cushion sitting next to him.

‘sorry jin.’ yugyeom tackles jackson to the floor again, trying to get the remote back. bambam quickly joins in,  trying to change the channel to something else that isn’t a dumb drama. 

‘dad help, he’s stronger than i thought.’  jackson whines, trying to fight off his youngest brother.

‘you go to the gym with me like everyday how are you this weak?’ jaebum starts pulling bambam off yugyeom, and holds him down briefly.

‘jaebum and jackson, take off your shirts!!’ jin yells, in the middle of the chaos. everyone stops to look at jin, grinning into his cup of tea.

‘that’s so gross.’ bambam frowns. ‘that’s my dad, and my brother.’

‘i swear we’ve had this conversation, he’s not my son.’ jin winks, and everybody groans again. ‘anyway, i like the drama, let’s watch it.’

 

 

 

 

**gourmet mom messaged rap monster**

**gourmet mom:** jaebum told me that you are taking all the older kids to the club tonight

 **rap monster:** yep

 **gourmet mom:** have fun babe!

 **gourmet mom:** i’m going with him to the gym before you all leave

 **gourmet mom:** thought i should start working out again. jaebum goes every day, you know?

 **rap monster:** why dont you just marry him?

 **gourmet mom:** because i love you

 **gourmet mom:** and tbh i’m pretty sure jinyoung would murder me

 **rap monster:** yep

 **gourmet mom:** really, joonie, i love you a lot

 **gourmet mom:** even if you don’t have a six pack

 **rap monster:** *looks into the camera like i’m on the office*

 

 

 

namjoon, hobi, and yoongi all stood outside the piercing parlour, waiting for the others to join them before they went in.

‘are you sure we’re in the right place mark?’ jaebum’s voice trailed down the street. namjoon grinned, remembering himself thinking the exact same thing when he was first introduced to the club.

‘this doesn’t look very underground rap club-like?’ jackson added, looking very hesitantly down the street.

‘no, we’re in the right place.’ mark tells them. they walk closer, and finally see namjoon, hobi, and yoongi standing out the front. ‘see, they’re here.’ they walk up and join the other three standing on the curb.

‘hey, you guys are here. come on!’ namjoon opens the door and lets his kids through first, followed by the park-im’s. hobi walked to the furthest wall in the shop, and pushed on a knight’s helmet which was set on the bookshelf. it slowly slid to the side, revealing stairs down to the basement, which revealed hundreds of people and loud music.

‘that’s so fucking cool, bambam will love this.’ jackson almost whispered, following the kim’s down the stairs.

‘rap monster, you haven’t performed in the last couple weeks. got anything new for us tonight?’ some random dude walked up to the group, handing namjoon a beer.

‘yeah, i think so.’ the dude patted namjoon on the back and walked away.

‘please adopt me. that was so cool.’

‘i haven’t even started rapping yet.’ namjoon winks and starts walking towards an empty booth in the corner.

‘jb, you can have a drink if you want, the bartender will hook you up. mark too, i suppose.’ jaebum and mark shrug at each other,  walking towards the bar. jackson, yoongi, and hobi all sit down at the table .

‘seriously though, please adopt me. my dad is so lame. he hasn’t worn anything in the past year but bucket hats and sweatpants.’

‘what’s wrong with bucket hats?’ namjoon asks, and all three kids cringe. ‘i suppose that answers that question.’

 

 

later, after namjoon got up on the stage and rapped, and jaebum embarrassed all of his kids by trying to rap, hobi, mark, and jackson all began to dance with the large group that was forming in the middle of the room.

‘jackson’s a good kid.’

‘take him, he’s yours.’ jaebum sighs, finishing his beer. they simultaneously look over to the boys, where all of them are dancing with various girls, far too inappropriately. jaebum sighs again. ‘i don’t know whether to be proud or disappointed.’

‘well, in our family i’m definitely the proud one. jin would murder hobi in his sleep if he saw this.’ namjoon finishes his bottle too, putting it down on the table and pushing it away. ‘we should probably go get the monsters before this gets too bad.’ namjoon and jaebum get up, yoongi following them, and walking towards the group of dancers.

 

just then, a small fight breaks out with jackson and another dude who is standing near them. jaebum quickly breaks it up, holding jackson back, as the guy’s friend does the same. 

‘what just happened?’ namjoon asks, looking between the two boys.

‘he was dancing with my girlfriend!’

‘well you clearly aren’t looking after her if she was dancing with me.’

‘alright everyone chill out. jackson, stop being a hoe.’

‘i was just dancing!’ jackson almost yells. jaebum rolls his eyes at his son.

‘well go dance somewhere else then.’ the dude spits at him.

‘do you wanna go?? i can bet that i can dance better than you can.’ jackson yells back.

‘fine. loser can’t come back here ever again.’ the kids, namjoon and jaebum all look between each other, wondering if this was really about to happen. the other dude shoves his friend off him, and runs over to the dj booth, requesting a song, before collecting two other friends and walking back.

‘who else is on your team?’

‘me!’ hobi quickly stands next to jackson. jackson turns to look at mark, silently asking.

‘no way, i like it here. you’ve seen me dance.’

‘i’ll do it.’

‘wait really dad, i didn’t know you danced?’

‘i spent 5 years b-boying in high school, i’ve got this.’ jackson gives him a sceptical look, but gestures for jaebum to come stand next to him. the other dude signals the dj, and suddenly the heavy bass starts on the song.

 

jackson goes first, dancing well but not well enough, against one of the dude’s friends. he loses the first round, complaining about the unfairness of the competition.

hoseok goes next, and unsurprisingly, tears shit up. hoseok wins his round easily, the other three dudes still looking pleased with themselves. at this point, jackson begins to stress about never being able to come back to the club again.

as soon as jaebum starts dancing, jackson’s hesitation about letting his dad dance is gone, as he watches jaebum, clearly better than the other guys before him.

‘that’s my dad!’ jackson yells, while jaebum finishes up his dance. jaebum grins at jackson and mark, before dabbing at them. ‘wait never mind!’ jackson yells again. the other dude finishes his dance, and it being very clear that jaebum has won the round, walks off as the heavy song comes to an end.

‘that’s two to one. i guess we win. but you know what, feel free to come back here. i’m sure everyone here will make sure they tell everyone how you lost a dance battle to my dad.’ jackson tells the dude. he scoffs, and quickly grabs his girlfriend’s arm and starts to drag her up the stairs and out of the club. jackson winks at the girl as she goes.

jaebum walks over to mark, limping slightly. ‘please drive me home, i’m far too old for this.’

‘why?’ mark looks at his dad, questioning why they had to leave.

‘i think i pulled a muscle.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello! i’m so sorry it’s been so long lol. my life is a mess but it’s chill i’m almost done with all my assignment for the rest of the year yay! some more notes!!!
> 
> 1\. i havent posted since got7’s album came out but let me tell you i was not disappointed in my loves. the whole album was so chill and i haven’t stopped listening to it omg  
> 2\. my bts and got7 albums arrived on the same day and boi was i a mess omg  
> 3\. i cannot believe that this part ended in a dance battle (believe me, that wasnt the plan) but it ended up okay i think  
> 4\. we’re getting near the end of this fic!!! this is part 14/16 actual ‘days’ of wife swap, plus two bonus chapters. one of which is the yugkook interlude, and the other is a secret!! again, i have heaps of ideas for side fics if any of you are interested, let me know!  
> 5\. [my tumblr](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com), allie’s tumblr, [hogwarts!bts](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com)  
> 6\. yes the drama they’re watching is dream knight bc it is honestly the best kdrama of the century. anyone who hasn’t watched it, i cannot stress how god damn incredible the entire thing is.


	15. Day Fourteen - Thursday

**double b messaged kiddos**

 

 **double b:** jin and dad accidentally wore matching clothes today it was disgusting

 **sunshine:** it was cute leave them alone

 **jimin:** ???????

 **jflawless:** they went to the same college, and both wore their college hoodies today

 **hobi:** ooooooooooooo

 **jungkookfucker69:** : they kept talking about it i wanted to stab myself

 **jflawless:** please do, more inheritance for me

 **double b:** shut up jackson, jinyoung isn’t going to give you shit

 **jflawless:** i mean,,,, you’re not wrong but also

 **jflawless:** you or yugy arent getting anything either

 **mark:** favourite children represent

 **double b:** :/

 

 

jin walked into the last isle in the supermarket, looking for milk, when he runs into junmyeon kim.

‘hey, i haven’t seen you in the pta meetings for a couple of months now. everything okay?’ jin asks, putting the milk down in his cart.

‘oh, i’ve been busy with the kids and kris. he’s being shitty and trying to get the kids to go live with him in china. i’ve lost two already.’ junmyeon sighs, looking away from jin briefly.

‘that really sucks. i understand about the kids though, i only have five, and they’re a handful. i can’t imagine having ten kids. at least some of yours are still young, i miss having babies. they don’t need me anymore.’

‘don’t make my mistake, ten is far too many. i will never get those years back.’ junmyeon pauses, playing with his sleeves. ‘don’t get me wrong, my kids are a blessing, but a handful.’

‘yoongi was telling me yesterday that yixing released an album on soundcloud? he really liked it, said the song peach was ‘a bop’ as the kids say.’ jin finishes speaking, and junmyeon suddenly looks upset.

‘i’m sorry jin, i have to go, see you later.’ junmyeon quickly grabs whatever he needed and wheels his cart away from jin.

‘huh, that was weird.’ jin mutters to himself as he wheels his cart to the checkout.

 

**jaebum messaged jinyoung**

**jaebum:** hey can you do more cleaning when you get back

 **jaebum:** jin’s been cleaning up the house all the time

 **jaebum:** it’s been nice not to live in mess

 **jinyoung:** it would also be nice if you werent such a little bitch

 **jinyoung:** but you don’t see me complaining.

 

 

 

jin got home from shopping to find jaebum sitting at the kitchen bench. ‘i didn’t know you were gonna be home today.’

‘yeah, i just worked on putting a couple of songs together in the music room.’

jin went into the living room, to find the kid’s bags on the floor. jin went straight to jackson’s bag, to get out his fencing stuff to clean it, when he found a container of cookies. jin grabbed them, and walked back into the kitchen. ‘hey, i found this box of cookies in jackson’s bag, do you want some?’ jin put the container down on the counter, sitting at the kitchen bench.

‘yeah, sure.’ jaebum takes one of the cookies, taking a bite. ‘holy shit, these are awesome. have you had one?’ jin took one out and ate it.

‘they’re awesome. wait, where are the kids?’

‘they went to the mall, i think.’ jaebum tells him, taking another cookie.

 

-like an hour and a half later-

 

‘hey dad, jin. we’re back from the mall.’ the kids walk into the lounge, where jin and jaebum are on the couch.

‘you’re in so much trouble, jackson, i swear to god.’ jaebum tells his son, with no real anger in his voice.

‘holy shit, are you both high?’ bambam grinned, looking between jin and jaebum, slumped on the couch, their eyes slightly glazed over.

‘did you go through my stuff?’

‘yeah, i wanted to wash your fencing stuff. it was smelly last time i saw it.’ jin pauses. ‘huh, smelly. smellllyyyyyyy.’

‘yugy, start filming, i can’t wait to show jinyoung.’ bambam tells his younger brother.  youngjae sighs, putting his stuff down on the table.

‘you guys are awful.’

‘yeah.’ bambam and jackson agree, laughing at their dad and jin. ‘wait how do you know you’re high?’

‘have you met jinyoung and i, honestly?’ jaebum asks.

‘i smoked weed in college.’ jin answers, playing with the strings on his hoodie.

‘i don’t believe you.’ yugyeom stares at jin.

‘ask namjoon, i did. anyway, jackson, i can’t believe that you would sell drugs.’

‘how can you say it’s bad when you used to do it?’ jackson asked jin.

‘i suppose you got me there.’

 ‘well, as your father, i-‘ jaebum stops. ‘i’m too high to yell at you right now, but you better believe when i’m sober again, you’re getting your ass beat.’ jaebum tells him slowly. coco jumps up onto jaebum’s lap, and he begins patting the dog. ‘hey coco, baby, jackson is in trouble. yes, what an idiot, right?’ mark walks into the living room, noticing jaebum and jin on the couch, and his brothers standing around filming them.

‘what did you idiots do?’ mark frowns.

‘they ate my weed brownies.’ jackson sighs.

‘alright well, leave them alone and stop filming. or i’ll show jinyoung the video, jackson.’ mark tells jackson, and jackson quickly shoves yugyeom and bambam.

‘guys let’s go. like right now.’ jackson picks up his school stuff,and begins to shove yugyeom and bambam towards their room.

‘what’s on the video, jackson?’ bambam asks, grinning at his older brother. jackson grabs his school bag and runs up the stairs, ignoring his younger brother.

 ‘thanks mark, you’re the realest.’ jaebum leans forward to high-five mark, but falls of the couch. ‘also, can you ground jackson for me, i can’t take myself seriously.’

‘sure, dad. just sit back down on the couch.’

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, I’m so sorry everyone. (Including Allie I love you homie sorry you had to wait so long.) I just was not at all motivated to write recently, but I tried to write this as best as I could. It’s getting really close now, it’s getting hard to write because I sorta don’t want it to be over, you know?  
> Anyway, some notes.  
> 1\. The video that Mark has, is a video of Jackson pole dancing at a party. Mark uses it to make Jackson do stuff for him all the time, because Jackson DOES NOT WANT Jinyoung to see it.  
> 2\. Keeping Up With Exo is something that I have been thinking about a lot, and writing some notes about, so if you’re interested, let me know and I can start working on that.  
> 3\. There are side fics in this universe that I have ideas for, please tell me if you would like to see anything else  
> 4\. [My tumblr, where I write some drabbles/reactions for GOT7, Blackpink and BTS (and I’m working on EXO omg). ](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com)  
> 5\. [The literal love my life, my best friend, and greatest enemy all in one’s tumblr ](https://catladyjaebum.tumblr.com)  
> 6\. [Hogwarts!BTS blog (it’s really fucking cool and Allie just finished Inktober go check all of them out)](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com)


	16. Day Fifteen - Reunion Episode

**rap monster messaged regrets.jpeg**

 

 **rap monster:** hey, are you almost here, the camera crew are whinging about you being late

 **gourmet mom:** don’t @ me, namjoon, i have to look good for these interviews.

 **jinyoung:** does jaebum look good too?

 **gourmet mom:** oh fuck yeah

 **jinyoung:** good

 **rap monster:**   i’m right here you know

 **gourmet mom:** namjoon you know i love you, but jaebum...

 **gourmet mom:** he can get it ™

 **jinyoung:** i have some photos you would love to see

 **gourmet mom:** yaaaasssssssss

 **rap monster:** please don’t                                                                                          

 **rap monster:** :(

 

**parents**

as soon as jin and jaebum arrived at the studio, they were dragged into a waiting room. a well dressed woman holding a clipboard came up to them, and sat them down in chairs, giving them a bottle of water.

‘the kids are all hanging out in a separate waiting room, we’re just finishing up individual interviews with jinyoung and namjoon. we’ll complete your individual interviews later. someone will come get you and take you to one of the filming rooms soon.’ her phone started ringing, and she walked out of the room quickly.

‘wow, this is intense.’ jaebum whistled, looking around the empty room. jin sighed and took a drink of water.

‘let’s hope this gets over with quickly, i want to go home and hang out with my kids.’ jaebum looked over at jin, eyes narrowed slightly. ‘and..... other things.’

‘like what?’ jaebum asks

‘fuck namjoon.’

‘that’s all i wanted you to say, jin.’

‘you’re the worst.’

‘alright, follow me please, we’re going to film the interview with your husbands.’ jin and jaebum get up, following the woman down the long hall. ‘do either of you have a preference for the side you prefer to be recording on? usually people prefer one side of their face or another.’

‘excuse you, all of my sides are beautiful.’ she stops outside of a door.

‘good luck!’ the woman opens the door, and gestures for jin and jaebum to walk in. namjoon and jinyoung are already sitting at the table.

‘baby!’ jin runs straight towards namjoon, and jumps into his arms. ‘i’ve missed you!’

‘ugh, you again.’ jinyoung sighs as jaebum sits down next to him.

‘thanks, jinyoung, i missed you too.’

‘jaebum must be going to heaven for having to deal with you.’ jin tells jinyoung as he sits down at the table in the centre of the room.

‘how do i look in this lighting?’ jin asks, settling down in his chair. the camera men give him a thumbs up.

‘alright, so we’ll start with some basic questions about these two weeks, things that you’ve learned, that sort of thing. we’ll just let you talk for a while, and stop you when we have what we need. you ready?’ all four men nod. ‘awesome!’

 

**park im + jin**

‘any final words, jin, about spending time with the park-im’s?’

‘well, i suppose i’ve learned that i’m far too strict with my kids. these kids have helped me realise that they don’t need me to be so controlling. and helped me learn to be relatable to them, as the kids say.’

‘you’re so lame, jin.’ yugyeom teased jin. 

‘shut up, punk. i’ll tell jungkook all of the things i’ve heard you say about him in the last two weeks.’ jin looks yugyeom in the eye and stares.

‘holy shit, you’re savage now. we’re so proud of you.’ jackson pretended to wipe tears from his eyes.

 

 

**kim + jinyoung**

‘is there anything else you would like to say to each other before the next interviews?’

‘jinyoung, we did the math.’ jimin pulls the swear jar out from behind his back. ‘you owe us exactly $486 dollars for the swear jar.’ jinyoung looks between namjoon and jimin.

‘fuck, really?’ he questions. ‘i would like to see the math.’ hoseok pulls out a notebook, and hands it to jinyoung. he inspects it for a minute, flicking between the pages.

‘alright, i guess i owe you $486 dollars.’

‘well, $487.45, now.’

‘god fucking dammit.’

‘$488.’

‘fine, i’ll find $500 dollars for you all. $100 each for you kiddos. still gonna complain about me now?’

‘thank you, jinyoung!’ jungkook, jimin, taehyung and hobi yell, hugging jinyoung.

‘get off me, you disgusting cretins.’ jinyoung shoves them off him, grinning slightly. ‘i’m gonna miss all of you being so dumb.’

‘we’ll be around. mark and i are friends now.’

‘because of the sock?’

‘yeah. plus, jungkook is probably going to be around a lot more, yugkook is for real.’ taehyung grins at his youngest brother. jungkook scowls, turning away from taehyung and jimin.

‘you should come over for dinner next week sometime. i’m sure there’s far more to talk about from these past two weeks. plus jin would love to hang out with jaebum some more.’ namjoon tells jinyoung, rolling his eyes.

‘i’d like to hang out with you too, daddy.’

‘that’s fucking disgusting jinyoung, that’s my dad!’ jimin yells at him.

 ‘it’s been wild, kiddos. thanks for having me.’ jinyoung told them, still laughing. namjoon cracks a grin, along with the rest of the kids.

‘alright, this interview is done!! off to your own mothers for the final interviews now!’ the woman tells them.

 

**park im family**

jinyoung walks into the room with all of his kids, and sits down on the couch next to jaebum.

‘hey kiddos. how have you been?’ all the kids answer jinyoung simultaneosly, except for bambam and yugyeom.

‘bambam, yugyeom, what about you?’ the kids look between each other, still not answering the question.

‘i can’t believe you treated jungkook so nicely. you’ve had us for 13 years, and still treat him better.’

‘unlike you two, he isn’t a little pussy. he’s like the son i never had.’ yugyeom gasps.

‘alright, everyone chill the fuck out. be happy that jinyoung is back, and we can talk about it later.’ jaebum interrupts the death stare between jinyoung and yugyeom.

the woman starts the interview, asking questions about jinyoung’s time with the kim’s and how jin was different to jinyoung’s usual parenting. yugyeom and bambam continue to ignore jinyoung, even when he talks to, and refers to them directly.

‘you fuckers are adopted anyway.’ jinyoung tells them, glaring at the two youngest.

‘mom, we’re literally all adopted??’ jackson tells jinyoung, who simply shrugs and continues answering the questions for the interview.

 

**kim family**

as soon as jin walks into the room, all of the kids run to hug him and talk to him before the interview starts.

‘mom, i missed you so much. jinyoung was awful.’ Taehyung hugs Jin tightly, not letting him go for a minute.

‘do you want to hear a joke? i learnt some from jackson.’

‘oh no’ Namjoon sighs, looking over at his husband. 

‘why do chicken coops only have two doors?’ everyone is quiet for a second. ‘because if they had four, they would be chicken sedans!’ all of the kim family groan, except for jin, who looks very proud of himself.

‘nevermind, jinyoung wasnt that bad, we can get him back somehow, i’m sure.’ jungkook says, patting a horrified taehyung on the back.

‘hey, we need you all on this couch and chairs set up here.’ the clipboard lady tells them, directing them to the chair in the centre of the room.

‘let me in the middle, no one is watching this for my bratty children anyway.’

‘mom?’ jimin asks. ‘can i sit with you?’

‘no, you need to sit with taehyung. it will look better aesthetically.’

‘but mom, i wanted to sit with you.’ taehyung complains.

‘cry me a river taehyung, you know i’m the star here, i need to be in the middle.’

‘what the fuck did the park-im’s do to jin?’ hobi leans over and asks yoongi quietly.

‘i don’t know, but it’s hilarious.’ yoongi answers.

‘i think jimin’s gonna cry.’ hobi looks over at his younger brother.

 

 

 

 

 

**gourmet mom messaged bangtan boys**

 

 **gourmet mom:** i figured none of you would want to have the real talk in real life

 **gourmet mom:** but given recent information about hobi and kookie, i think we should all have a chat

 **hobi:** you know what, mom, it’s okay

 **kookie:** we’re fine without, dad has talked to us

 **jimin:** plus, we have the internet

 **gourmet mom:** really though,  it’s important

 **gourmet mom:** i just want you all to know that i’m here to talk

 **suga:** thanks mom

 **gourmet mom:** <3

 

**gourmet mom messaged hobi**

 

 **gourmet mom:** hey

 **gourmet mom:** what i said goes for you especially

 **gourmet mom:** you don’t have to be scared or embarrassed to tell me about stuff if you want to

 **gourmet mom:** i’ll try to be more understanding

 **hobi:** i’ve missed you, mom

 **gourmet mom:** you too baby

 

 

**double b messaged kiddos**

 

 **double b:** this has been fun

 **double b:** i’m gonna miss you guys

 **tae:** don’t be lame, we’ll see you all at school

 **hobi:** plus, jin is organising for you all to come over for dinner next week

 **jflawless:** see you all around then, i guess

 **double b:** <3

 **sunshine:** <3

 **jimin:** <3

 **tae:** <3

 **mark:** this is lame but okay  <3

 **suga:** agreed  <3

 **jungkookfucker69:** <3

 **kookie:** <3

 **jflawless:** <3

 **hobi:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So!!!! Guys this thing is technically finished!!! At least the whole Wife Swapping part, anyway! The yugkook interlude, and the last chapter (which is still a secret but definitely exciting!!!) will be uploaded before christmas, hopefully! The yugkook interlude is 80% done, and I have a significant amount of notes and information about the last part!! 
> 
> Some notes before the sappy business starts!
> 
> 1\. I made a point of not mentioning the cameras during the two weeks, but I did mention them in the first and last parts because I believe in continuity and there were far too many jokes to be made about the cameras in the ‘reunion’ episode  
> 2\. [My tumblr, if you want to request anything, or chat or something like that. I have so many more headcannons and info that I never got to put in this fic](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com)  
> 3\. [Allie’s tumblr](https://catladyjaebum.tumblr.com)  
> 4\. [ please please please please please please please please go check out Allie’s hogwarts!bts blog. It’s awesome and gives me mini heart attacks literally every time she uploads something new because of how cute everything is.](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com)  
> 5\. A lot of you said you wanted side fics, which is awesome!! I have ideas for at lease four or five, but if you have any ideas/things you want to see, tell me on tumblr, or comment here!! So far, we have Games Night with BTS, Jackson Wang and the Tinder Incident™, The story of how Bambam became known as Bambam, and the ‘Best Dad in the World’ Mug incident.  
> 6\. Keeping Up With EXO was also requested by a few of you!! I don't know how it's gonna be set out, whether it's just a one-shot or a chaptered fic, but I'm working on it. It might take a little while, but hopefully I'll get you some more information soon!!  
> 7\. I officially have a kpop twitter to complain about things and talk to yall so if you're interested in that, follow me @fuckboibam lol
> 
>  
> 
> I’d like to thank everyone who commented and gave me kudos, they helped me write all of this so much, I’m honestly so surprised I managed to finish this, I’ve never written this much, nor finished a whole fic before lol. There are specific users/people who commented on most parts, and gave me the sweetest words and encouragement and I love you all so much
> 
> Finally @my favourite hoe ever. You are the most extra, incredible friend a that a bitch could ever possibly have. I love you so much, and this whole thing would not have ever happened with your support and love and beta-ing. You say you didnt write anything, but you thought up literally every funny thing, every cute moment, every dumb meme. basically everything. I’m glad you did, because this wouldn’t have become half as popular if it didn’t. thank you so much, we better be best friends forever, my dude, because i would be actually lost without you in my life. The two years we have been friends have honestly been some of my best and this fic sorta represents that and our friendship for me. Also I know this is lame, don’t @ me.


	17. And Now, For a Brief Yugkook Interlude....

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> alternatively titled: jackson is #extra and bambam just wants his brother to get a good dicking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> these chats take place during and after the swap, and are just the little scenes/parts that i wanted to include but didn’t have the space. hope that you all enjoy it!!

**jungkook <3 messaged yugy<3**

 

 **jungkook:** hey, so um about what you said earlier

 **jungkook:** when you said you wanted to be with me

 **jungkook:** did you mean like super tight bros?

 **jungkook:** or like, sex stuff?

 **yugy:** well um, both hopefully.

 **jungkook:** cool okay

 **yugy:** so um, are we boyfriends now?

 **yugy:** or am i misreading that nvm dont even worry about it why would you want me

 **jungkook:** yes we can be boyfriends now

 **jungkook:** stop doubting urself ur really hot

 **jungkook:** like one time i actually tripped in dance bc u were sweating and looked hot af

 **yugy:** that was because of me???

 **jungkook:** omfg kill me u remember that

 **yugy:** it was cute

 **jungkook:** i’m still gonna hide forever

 

 

**yugy messaged jungkook**

**yugy:** oh btw can we keep this a secret for a little while

 **yugy:** not that i dont want to be public but you’ve met my brothers and parents

 **jungkook:** i feel

 

**jungkookfucker69 messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **jungkookfucker69:** can someone please drive me to the bowling alley tonight

 **jinyoung:** let me guess, on another date with jungkook?

 **jungkookfucker69:** no, he has a competition, he asked me to go support him as a friend

 **jflawless:** wow that was a bit defensive

 **jaebum:** i agree

 **jaebum:** you two fucking yet?

 **jungkookfucker69:** i hate you all so much

 **double b:** love you too bro

 **mark:** i’ll drive you

 **mark:** if you do my washing for a month

 **jungkookfucker69:** deal

 **jaebum:** and you think i’m whipped

 **jinyoung:** you are

 **jaebum:** i mean true

 

**jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jflawless:** hey why do u have a medal on

 **jungkookfucker69:** jungkook won and gave his medal to me bc he has heaps

 **jaebum:** *pukes*

 

 **yugy messaged jungkook**  
  


**yugy:** ur my best bro in the whole world

 **yugy:** sometimes i cant stop thinking about holding your hand

 **yugy:** full homo bro

 **jungkook:** kys

 **jungkook:** but same

 

**double b messaged kiddos**

 

 **double b:** hey nice scarf yugy

 **double b** : [a photo of yugyeom getting back from his date wearing a scarf]

 **double b:** you cold???

 **jflawless:** omfg

 **jimin:** #callhimout

 **mark:** yall are childish as fuck

 **mark:** hickeys, really?

 **kookie:** they’re not hickeys

 **tae:** what are they then

 **tae:** we’re really curious

 **jungkookfucker69:** i was cold, it’s just a scarf

 **jflawless:** sure, jungkookfucker69

jungkookfucker69: you’re the one who changed that????

jungkookfucker69: i’m a good boy

double b: hahahaha okay if it helps you sleep at night

**jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jflawless:** hey mom and dad

 **jflawless:** yugyeom has hickeys rn

 **jflawless:** he came back from his date with a scarf

 **jungkookfucker69:** it wasn’t a date i swear to fucking god

 **jungkookfucker69:** we’re just really close bros

 **jinyoung:** sure of course baby

 **jinyoung:** just like me and your father were

 **jaebum:** omfg

jungkookfucker69: really tho, i was just cold

jinyoung: sure honey

 

**jinyoung messaged regrets.jpeg**

 

 **jinyoung:** as much as i joke about it our kids are for real together should we have the talk with them or???  
**gourmet mom:** they cant be

 **gourmet mom:** jungkook would have told me

 **jinyoung:** you say that but yugyeom came in wearing a scarf today

 **jinyoung:** we’ve all been there

 **rap monster:** we probably should talk to them huh

 **gourmet mom:** okay fine

 

 

**jungkook messaged yugy**

**jungkook:** hey did jinyoung and jaebum just try to give you the talk?

 **yugy:** not so much as the talk as throwing condoms and a bottle of lube at me

 **yugy:** and then telling me to use them

 **jungkook:** i would have preferred that to jin literally trying to explain how butt sex works

 **yugy:** fuck

 **jungkook:** ;) ;) ;)

 

 

**jinyoung messaged jungkookfucker69**

**jinyoung:** have you used the stuff yet ;) ;) ;)

 **jungkookfucker69:** no

 **jungkookfucker69:** we’re not rushing into sex stuff

 **jinyoung:** what fuckery is this

 **jinyoung:** i’ve raised a disappointing child

 **jinyoung:** don’t tell the other kids this, but jaebum and i waited for a long time before anything happened. don’t let the other kids (and me) pressure you.

 **jinyoung:** if you feel the need to wait, it’s okay.

 **jungkookfucker69:** thanks mom

 **jinyoung:** you’re welcome, kiddo. just don’t tell any of the other kids about this chat, okay? i have a reputation to uphold.

 

 

**jflawless messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

**jflawless:** are you gonna be home soon or are you too busy with your boyfriend?

 **jungkookfucker69:** we arent even dating chill the fuck out

 **double b:** i saw u holding hands like a couple today tho??

 **jungkookfucker69:** reciept?

 **sunshine:** [yugyeom and jungkook holding hands on the couch] #caughtout

 **jungkookfucker69:** how could u betray me youngjae

 **sunshine:** mark bribed me with expenive chocolate

 **jungkookfucker69:** even you, brutus?

 **mark:** sorry bro

 

 

 

yugyeom arrived at the kim’s house 20 minutes early for their date to the movies

‘yugyeom, honey, it’s so nice to see you!!’

‘kookie might be a while, come sit with me a minute, i’m just looking at baby photos. they grow up so quickly.’ jimin and tae walk down the stairs, looking towards the table where jin and yugyeom were sitting.

‘this is gonna be good, let’s sit.’ jimin whispered to his younger brother.

‘hey yug!’ both jimin and tae greeted the younger boy as they sat down. yugyeom nods politely, smiling at the pair and then looking back towards the photo that jin had bee showing him. it was clearly jungkook, grinning at the camera.

‘he was such a cute baby, i always wonder what happened to him.’ jin jokes, staring down at the picture of him.

‘he’s still cute now.’ yugyeom mutters, looking towards the stairs.

‘what?’ jin asked, smiling at yugyeom, clearly having heard him.  yugyeom blushes.

‘nothing!’ yugyeom panics, standing up from the table. ‘can i please have a glass of water?’ jin stands up, walking towards the kitchen.

‘yugyeom!’ jungkook walks down the stairs, holding his keys and his wallet. ‘are you ready to go?’

‘yeah, i’m ready. sorry jin, never mind, i’ll see you later!’ yugyeom yells towards the kitchen, rushing towards the front door with jungkook close behind him.

 

 

 

 

**bambam messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **double b:** hey has anyone heard from yugy in a little while

 **double b:** he’s not answering my texts

 **jflawless:** he’s listening to his hoe playlist in his room??

 **sunshine:** wasn’t he supposed to be on his date with jungkook?

 **jinyoung:** oh my god

 **mark:** holy shit

 **jflawless:** #shook

 **jflawless** : i’m right here 

 **jflawless:** pray for me

 **jaebum:** jackson can u yell and ask if they’re using protection?

 **jflawless:** no ew

 **mark:** i’ll do it

 **mark:** he told me to fuck off

 **double b:** i’m so proud of him what a hoe

 **jinyoung:** ikr

 

**-20 minutes later-**

**jungkookfucker69:** for real tho i actually hate all of u

 **jungkookfucker69:** we were just reading

 **jinyoung:** whatever you say sweetie :)

 

 

 

**jungkookfucker69 messaged kiddos**

 

 **jungkookfucker69:** can i please change my screen name now

**kookie changed jungkookfucker69’s name to dance king**

**double b:** *barf*

 

 

 

jaebum arrives home from a particularly long day to find jackson laying across the dining room table. around him, his other children are standing around, complaining, and yelling at their idiot brother. jinyoung is laying on the couch, reading, seemingly completely unaffected.

‘jackson, why are you laying on the table?’ jaebum asked, putting his things down at the front door, and taking off his jacket.

‘i’m protesting yugyeom abandoning bambam and i for his dick appointment.’ mark and jaebum roll their eyes at jackson being so extra.

‘can you stop calling him my dick appointment? he’s my boyfriend.’ yugyeom complains, pulling out his phone, texting jungkook about how awful his family is sometimes.

 **‘** jackson get off the table, i swear to god.’ jaebum sits down on the couch next to jinyoung.

‘we never see him anymore! he was supposed to come shopping with us and he cancelled today. again!!’ j

‘who knew jungkook would do this to him. my nights are so lonely.’ bambam tells them. yugyeom sighs, putting his phone back down.

‘i can’t believe that we’re being abandoned for jungkook.’

‘i can, you’re annoying.’  jinyoung tells them from the couch, putting down his book.

‘jungkook must have a big dick.’ jackson explains

‘bitch whaat thec fuck o my god ahs;fdjfesk’ bambam yells, turning to yugyeom.

‘bambam can you shut the fuck up and stop speaking like you’re typing all the time. you sound dumb.’ jaebum sighed

‘that wasn’t the important part, jaebum. yugyeom baby, i’m so proud of you, is that true?’ jinyoung asks, standing up and walking over to his kids.

‘this is disgusting why are you all like this?’ mark asks, beginning to walk back to his room.

‘have you got photos though?’ bambam asks, trying to reach into yugyeom’s pocket. yugyeom moves away from his older brother, not answering the question.

 ‘show me!!!!’ bambam screams again, taking yugyeom’s silence as a yes.

‘no, what the fuck.’ yugyeom holds his phone up above his head so that bambam can’t reach.

‘i thought we were bros.’ jackson whinges.

‘you’re not even gay, why would you wanna see that?’ youngjae asks jackson, who simply shrugs.

‘jackson, get off the table.’ jaebum warns, one last time.

‘i’m comfortable.’ jaebum gets up off the couch and walks towards the table. when he reaches the table, he grabs jackson by the ankle and drags him onto the floor.

‘hey dad fuck you why would you do that??????’ jackson yells, laying on the floor.

‘i told you i would shove you off the table if you didn’t move.’ jaebum shrugs.

‘damn babe, that was aggressive.’ jinyoung whistles, looking at jackson still laying on the floor, rubbing his knee.

‘upstairs?’ jaebum asks.

‘hell yeah.’

‘gross.’ youngjae sighs.

 

 

**double b messaged kiddos**

 

 **double b:** guess who just fucked my dudes

 **suga:** first of all, ew

 **suga:** second it’s jk and yugy

 **suga:** he came and asked for advice today

 **double b:** omfg

 **hobi:** #iconic

 **jimin:** @yugkook

 **jimin:** who bottomed tho

 **kookie:** we’re not answering that

 **jungkookfucker69:** kookie

 **tae:** holy shit

 **dance king:** um

 **dance king:** sorry boo

 **kookie:** blocked  & reported

 **jflawless:** there will literally be nothing better than this moment

 **double b:** i mean,

 **double b:** as if yugy’s been able to keep his mouth shut about anything

 **jimin:** this chat is a trainwreck

 **tae:** were you not previously aware of this?

 **suga:** we’ve had this chat for more than a month, you cant be that daft

 **hobi:**  we are talking about jimin here

 **jimin** : hey!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was dumb but it makes me laugh lol, hope it makes you all laugh too. Final chapter will be up before christmas. Hopefully in enough time to write a Christmas with BTS and GOT7 lol. If its not before christmas, I’m still definitely going to write one because I promised Allie that I would, it might just be uploaded later.  
> [my tumblr, where I write some scenarios and reactions (but mostly just post photos of my loves](https://fuckboibam.tumblr.com)  
> [My new twitter!! If you don’t have tumblr, come talk to me there, I need new friends to rant about kpop. I’ll answer any questions about this universe and or headcannons that you may want to know as well!!](https://twitter.com/fuckboibam)  
> [ Allie’s main tumblr if you’re interested in far too many photos of Im Jaebum (also if you’re interested in seeing why I die on a regular basis, check out the ‘Thirsty Aussie’ tag on there lol) ](https://catladyjaebum.tumblr.com)  
> [ allie’s hogwarts!bts blog that is wild, if any of you all are about HP just as much as BTS like I am. ](https://ur-a-wizard-bts.tumblr.com)
> 
> Allie, Eu queria escrever para voce em portugues (apesar é provavelmente, definitivamente errado).  
> Eu espero que você goste dessa parte. Eu prometo a próxima parte estará em breve.  
> Tambem, é o teu anniversario hoje, assim feliz vinte primeiro aniversário, meu melhor amigo, meu parceiro do crime, e a maior perdedor eu sei.  
> Eu vou escrever um capítulo de Natal porque eu te amo, mas vai ser coxo omg.  
> Por favor texto me quando voce le isto e dizer me como eu bagunçado lol.  
> Para qualquer um mais quem pode ler portuguese, oi, ola, tudo bem hoje? Desculpe esta é assim coxo e errado, eu acabei de começar a aprender lolllll


	18. A JJP Wedding - Part One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> surprise bitch. bet you thought you'd seen the last of me

At 7:24 on Friday night, Jinyoung was laying on the couch, almost certain that there was somewhere that he was supposed to be. Youngjae sat across from him, chatting mindlessly about his day at school.

‘Was that dinner at the Kim’s this week? Maybe that’s what you’re missing?’ Youngjae questioned his mom.

‘Maybe...’ Jinyoung trails off slightly, pausing to open his phone to look at the calendar. ‘I can’t believe I didn’t put it in. Jin is going to kill me.’

‘I can message the group chat and ask when the dinner was supposed to be?’  Youngjae asks his mom, gesturing to his phone on the side of the couch.

‘this is why you’re my favourite baby.’ Jinyoung gets up and kisses Youngjae on the forehead. ‘i love you kiddo. Now text the Kim’s and see when this dinner is so I can stop stressing.’

 

**sunshine messaged kiddos**

 

 **sunshine:** hey when were we supposed to come over for dinner

 **sunshine:** Jinyoung can’t remember when

 **sunshine:** he says he wasn’t paying attention when Jin set up the dinner and he didnt put it in his calendar

 **hobi:** let me check

 **hobi:** Jin says you guys are supposed to be here in like, 10 minutes

 **double b:** we done fucked up, can yall stall Jin for a lil while

 **tae:** we’ll try our best.

 **jimin:** hurry up tho, i’m hungry

 

‘Mom, Hobi says that the dinner is tonight. In about 10 minutes.’ Youngjae tells Jinyoung, cringing slightly at Jinyoung’s sudden reaction. Jinyoung carefully stands up, walking to the bottom of the stairs and stops.

 ‘EVERYONE GET DRESSED AND DOWNSTAIRS IN 5. WE HAVE TO GO LIKE NOW.’ Jinyoung yells up the stairs, to all of the kids in their bedroom. He relaxes for a second. ‘CAN SOMEONE TELL JAEBUM, HE’S PROBABLY IN THE MUSIC ROOM!’ a yell of agreement from one of the kids sounds back. Jinyoung quickly rushes up the stairs to his bedroom to get changed.

‘What are we supposed to wear??’ Bambam yells to his Mom, almost five minutes later. He had probably been running around his bedroom trying to find appropriate clothes before asking Jinyoung.

‘something that you wouldn’t mind dying in, if you don’t hurry up.’ Jinyoung yells to Bambam through the walls.

 

Jinyoung, Jaebum and the kids arrived at the Kim’s house at 7:49, and were quickly ushered in as soon as they got to the front door. Jin didn’t say anything to Jinyoung as they walked in, but he was given a small glare as Namjoon lead them into the dining room where dinner and the kids were waiting.

During dinner, all of the younger kids sat on the end of the table, chatting loudly to each other. Mark and Yoongi, along with the four parents talked significantly quieter, about the two weeks that Jin and Jinyoung spent with the other family.

‘One thing I wanted to ask, Jinyoung, I’ve not seen anything from your wedding. Like we have the photos from ours up in the hallway. I never saw yours in your house.’

‘Oh, we aren’t married.’ The conversation at the end of the table stopped, the Park-Im kids stopped eating to stare at their parents.

‘What did you just say?’ Bambam asked, looking between his two parents at the other end of the table.

‘We aren’t married. We got together and then adopted Mark a year later. We were going to, but Jaebum convinced me to adopt four more kids and we just never had the time. we were still in college at the start, too.’ Jinyoung explains, talking to his kids and the Kims.

‘What.’ Jackson gasps, staring at his parents.

‘We aren’t married.’ Jaebum tells his kids, shoving more food into his mouth.

‘Love isn’t real. how will I ever find love if my own two parents don’t love each other enough to get married.’ Jackson complains.

‘We love each other enough, Jackson, shut up. You’re a hoe anyway.’

‘What the fuck.’ Yugyeom says, still eating.

‘Language.’ Jin scolds the youngest kid at the table. Namjoon and the other Park-Im’s laugh under their breath.

 

 

When everyone finished eating, Jin stood up from the table and started picking up dishes. ‘Mark, Youngjae, Jimin baby, I need your help cleaning up in the kitchen. Everyone else, relax, chat. We’ll bring out dessert.’ Jin takes the plates to the kitchen. Mark, Youngjae, and Jimin all stand up too, grabbing dishes off the table, and following Jin into the kitchen.

‘I want to plan Jinyoung and Jaebum’s wedding.’ Jin quietly tells them, as soon as the last kid walks into the kitchen.

‘wait, for real?’

‘i mean, they definitely have the money for it. Namjoon was telling me the other day about how royalties work for songwriters at companies like JYPE. Plus, Jinyoung must be making bank doing his job currently.’

‘true.’

‘so do you reckon that they want to get married?’

‘yeah, of course. They mostly just want an excuse to go on a holiday. It’s been a little while that they have.’

‘I think they would like to be formally married too. You can plan everything?’

‘yeah. I’m good at planning. I can probably get it planned and organised in 3 months or so?’

‘then, start planning.’

‘good idea, mom!’

‘thank you, baby.’

 

 

**Mark created TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS**

**Mark:** okay here’s the deal

 **Mark:** Jin wants to plan mom and dad’s wedding

 **double b:** yes bitch lets do it

 **jflawless:** !!!!!!!

 **Mark:** Bambam, you’re on clothes and the registry

 **Mark:** so you need to work out what size mom and dad are, and go get suits made. i’ll give you the emergency credit card

 **double b:** how much can you spend

 **Mark:** the limit is $10000

 **double b:** why haven’t you previously told us about it omg we could have gone shopping

 **sunshine:** that’s exactly why

 **double b:** i suppose you got me there

 **double b:** also um,

 **double b:** what’s a registry

 **Mark:** like a list of things that mom and dad would want as wedding presents

 **Mark:** and i’ll be checking it to make sure you don’t put anything on there for you or Yugyeom

 **double b:** why must you ruin my fun

 **Mark:** because you’re a menace

 

 

**gourmet mom added rm, Mark, jflawless, sunshine and double b to don’t tell Jinyoung or Jaebum**

 

 **gourmet mom:** so i’m going to have a whole bunch of questions

 **gourmet mom:** i dont know what they like or their aesthetic, so you kids are going to have to ask some sneaky questions to find out what i need to know

 **sunshine:** we’ll do our best!!

 

**gourmet mom messaged DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM**

**gourmet mom:** i figured that you kids would be in the wedding party but like, who are the best men, and who is bringing the rings, that sort of thing

 **Mark:** youngjae and i will be the best men because we are the favourites. but we’ll have to decide between us

 **double b:** we’ll get back to you soon

 

Mark, Jackson, Youngjae and Bambam all start to walk downstairs.

‘Wait, grab Yugyeom, they’ll think it’s weird that we all go and he didn’t.’ Mark shoves Bambam back towards his and Yugyeom’s bedroom.

‘alright I’ll be down with him in a second.’ Bambam walks back to his and Yugyeom’s room and stands in the doorway.

‘Yugy, come downstairs, we’re gonna go sit with mom and dad for a while.’ Yugyeom looks up from his laptop to look at his older brother. He sends Bambam a questioning look.

‘why?’ he asks.

‘I’ll tell you later.’ Bambam tells him, walking over to his brother’s bed and grabbing him by the arm. ‘come on, let’s go.’  Bambam drags his brother down the stairs and sits on the couch next to his other brothers and their parents.

‘What do you want?’ Jinyoung asks, not even looking up from the show that he and Jaebum were watching.

‘we just wanted to spend some time with you!’ Youngjae tells them, cuddling up to Jinyoung’s side a little bit.

‘I don’t believe you, but okay.’ They all settle down and turn their attention to the tv show.  

‘Hey, Mom?’ Jackson asks, five minutes after.

‘Yes Jackson?’ Jinyoung sighs, pausing the TV to look at his son.

‘Hypothetically, which son do you-‘ Jackson begins to ask, but is interrupted by Jinyoung.

‘Mark.’

‘You didn’t even know what I was going to say???’ Jackson complains.

‘I’m sorry, honey, carry on.’ Jinyoung sighs again and slumps into the sofa.

‘Which son you think is the most resp-‘ Jackson stops. ‘You know what?’ It’s Mark.’ Mark leans over to Jackson to whisper in his ear.

‘It can’t be me, I’m busy being the best man!’ he whispers.

‘Dad, quick, pick a son.’ Mark looks at his dad.

‘Bambam.’

‘What, seriously?’ Bambam asks.

‘Wow are you going to regret that one.’ Jackson laughs.

‘Why me though?’

‘Honestly I just assumed that it was the one I wanted to leave me alone.’ Jaebum shrugs.

‘Excuse me, you think Bambam is more annoying than me?’ Jackson asks his parents.

‘Don’t worry honey, no one annoys me more than you.’ Jinyoung pats Jackson on the head.

‘Thank you.’ Jackson tells him, smiling slightly. Yugyeom pouts and then gestures to Jinyoung to lean over Jaebum and to him.

‘Mom, what the fuck I thought I annoyed you the most?’ Yugyeom whispered to his mom.

‘You do, baby, just pretend for your brother.’ Jinyoung pats Yugyeom on the head and turns back to the TV, unpausing the show that they we’re watching.

 

 

 

The four kids, minus Yugyeom who was on a date with Jungkook, had been sneaking around the house and their parents’ things, looking for answers to the many questions that Jin had sent them in order to plan the wedding. At least twice, the kids had been left with mental scars after finding a significant number of sex toys and other things that they kids really didn’t want to talk about.  

Finally, after searching for almost an hour, Bambam and Jackson had come across a cardboard box in the bottom of Jaebum’s wardrobe, with thousands of photos in it. Most of the photos were of the kids when they were tiny babies until about three years ago, but one large envelope lay at the bottom of the box that was different. Bambam opened the envelope to find photos of Jinyoung and Jaebum, when they were younger. Jaebum had blonde hair, and the photos were weirdly staged, like they’d been taken in a photoshoot. He showed the photos to Jackson, who looked at them questioningly.

‘What the fuck?’ Jackson asked, shuffling through the photos.

‘Right? They look like modelling shots, but they CLEARLY aren’t, because the fashion is awful, even for 20 years ago.’

‘Let’s go show Mark and Youngjae, they were looking in the storage cupboard.’

Bambam and Jackson put the photos back in the box and shove it into roughly the same place, before walking out of their parents’ room and walking to the large cupboard where Mark and Youngjae were looking.

‘Come with us, we found something weird.’ Jackson tells Youngjae and Mark, gesturing to his and Youngjae’s bedroom. When they all get into the room, Jackson closes the door and looks at Bambam.

‘Okay so get this, there are a whole bunch of photos of Mom and Dad, but they’re professionally taken.’ Bambam takes the photos out of the envelope and hands them to his elder brothers.

‘Like they were models or something?’ Youngjae asks, looking through the photos, frowning slightly.

‘No, definitely not, they look ridiculous. I don’t know what they could have been for, they’re not modelling shots. Maybe for a clothes store or somewhere that sells awful clothes.’

‘Does anyone here actually know how they met?’ Mark asked, looking between his brothers.

‘Wait, you don’t know?’ Bambam asked his oldest brother.

‘No, they never told me. Most of the stories start with them adopting me.’ Mark shrugs.

‘Must be something really lame and embarrassing if they didn’t tell Mark.’

 

**gourmet mom messaged DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM**

 

 **gourmet mom:** i’m looking at the information you gave me and trying to find a place to have the wedding

 **gourmet mom:** and i realised i don’t know how many people would be coming

 **mark:** uhhhhhhhhh

 **jflawless:** can we get back to you on that?

 **sunshine:** we haven’t ever met any of their friends

 **double b:** so far, there are only four people that aren’t us and those are our grandparents

 **gourmet mom:** well do some more snooping and let me know soon, okay?

 

‘Okay, Yugyeom is hanging out with Jungkook again today, so I was thinking that we could go to mom and dad’s work and find out who would go to the wedding. Both of them are working at home today, so if we come up with an excuse, they wont know.’ Mark walks into Youngjae and Jackson’s room, holding Bambam by the collar.

‘Bam, Jackson, you go to JYPE and tell the front desk you’re looking for Jaebum’s boss.’

‘because I don’t know the name of anyone he works with.’ Mark rolls his eyes at his younger brother

‘good thinking.’

‘well I’m not an idiot. Youngjae and I will go to Jinyoung’s work because that’s going to be more difficult  and I don’t trust Bambam with that.’

‘totally fair.’

 

‘Hi, we’re here to see Park-Im Jaebum’s boss.’ The lady at the front desk looks between them, questioningly.

‘He’s our dad.’

‘Oh. What did you say you’re dad’s name was again?’

‘Park Jinyoung.’ Bambam answers, not thinking.

‘Oh, right, of course.’ The receptionist looks a little flustered. ‘These men will take you straight up, I’m sorry.’ The two security guards standing in front of the elevators walk over.

‘Come on, boys.’ One of the men press the button and the elevator opens, bambam and jackson walking in awkwardly.

‘I didn’t know he had kids.’ The guard says, awkwardly, on the way up.

‘Has he never talked about us?’ the two guards shake their heads. Right then, the doors open and the guards step out, gesturing for Bambam and Jackson to follow them. They walk down a hallway, and stop at a double door.

‘Go straight in, he’ll be waiting for you.’ the guard nods towards the door. ‘Have a good day.’

‘thank you!’ Bambam tells the two guards as he walks in. JYP is sitting at his desk, clearly waiting for Bambam and Jackson. The

‘okay I didn’t know I had children, so please explain.’ JYP says to Bambam and Jackson as they walk in. He gestures to two chairs sitting in front of his desk, and they sit down straight away. The doors close behind them.

‘we’re here to see if your employee, Im Jaebum, has any friends here that would be invited his wedding.’ Bambam asks JYP.

‘oh THAT park Jinyoung, sure.’ JYP sits back in his chair.

‘um.-‘ Jackson and Bambam look between each other. ‘how do you know our mom?’ Jackson asks.

‘The were trainees for this company around 20 years ago, they debuted as a duo called JJ Project, but didn’t ever get very big. That’s why Jaebum works here now, because his song writing was good.’

‘what the fuck.’ Bambam says, and then immediately covers his mouth.

‘they never told you?’

‘nah.’

‘They were, something. Write down an email address on a card and I’ll send you their debut album and the music video they made, I’m sure we still have it around here.’ He slides a card and a pen across the desk to Jackson. Jackson scribbles his phone number and email on the card, before handing it back.

‘In terms of people to invite to the wedding, Jaebum isn’t too close with anyone here, because he’s always in the one recording/writing room for hours on end and not talking to anyone. I suppose just the techs in the recording studio and a couple of the other writers. I’ll email you their names along with the video.’

‘thank you so much, this has been very helpful.’

‘now, i’m very busy for the rest of the day, but i’ll be expecting an invitation to the wedding. It’s about damn time, honestly. They’ve been practically married since they were 14.’ JYP stands up and walks towards the door, opening it.

‘of course, Mr Park. Thank you again.’ Jackson and Bambam quickly walk out of his office

 

**jflawless messaged TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS**

**jflawless:** holy shit have we got something to tell you kids

 **mark:** did you find anyone?

 **double b:** jyp is going to send us a list

 **double b:** but get this

 **double b:** the jj parents

 **double b:** were in an idol group called jj project

 **double b:** who were signed to JYPE but didn’t make anything more than their first album

 **jflawless:** that’s what the photos were, they were promotional pictures for their albeit brief idol careers

 **mark:** holy shit

 **sunshine:** oh my god

 **sunshine:** mom IS pretty good at singing

 **jflawless:** jyp is sending us the album and the music video that they made

 **double b:** i can’t wait

**dance king message double b**

**dance king:** yo, what the fuck

 **dance king:** i thought we were bros

 **double b:** what did i do

 **dance king:** jinyoung and jaebum are getting married and you didnt tell me???

 **double b:** well they dont know either, so....

 **dance king:** not the point

 **dance king:** how could you not tell me

 **double b:** because you can’t keep a secret

 **double b:** clearly jungkook is perfect for you because he can’t keep a secret either

 **double b:** and that’s the whole fuckin point

 **dance king:** i can keep a secret

 **double b:** like the time you told mom about the present we were making

 **double b:** like the time you spilt about jackson’s party to jackson

 **double b:** or when you told me jungkook asked you out after you told him not to say anything

 **dance king:** okay fine

 **dance king:** i’ll keep it a secret this time

**jflawless messaged kiddos**

 

 **jflawless:** so omg guys guess what

 **jimin:** huh?

 **jflawless:** jinyoung and jaebum were in an idol group when they were teenagers and we just got the video from jype

 **double b:** do any of you want to come over and watch it?

 **sunshine:** we’re waiting for mark to get home so if you all want to come over we can get pizza and watch it?

 **tae:** is jinyoung going to be there?

 **dance king:** nope

 **jflawless:** they went on a date

 **tae:** cool i’m in then

 **kookie:** pussy

 **tae:** you only say that because jinyoung liked you

 **jimin:** not all of us were so lucky

 **jimin:** but i’m in anyway

 **tae:** me too

 **hobi:** same

 **kookie:** of course

 **suga:** i’m in class right now

 **mark:** are you almost done? i’ll pick you up

 **suga:** yeah okay i’ll be there.

 

Mark, along with Yoongi and the rest of the Kim kids arrive at the Park-Im’s house within the next hour. As they all arrive, they begin chatting and setting up the video.

‘okay, we all ready? The music video is called ‘Bounce.’ It came out in 1997, so we all got to be prepared for some late 90s boyband bullshit.’

‘I’m ready, lets go!’ Jackson presses play on the music video.  

The first 30 seconds of the video passes with silence among the kids, until finally someone speaks.

‘Is Jinyoung... rapping?’ Taehyung asked

‘I have so many questions.’ Mark said, still staring at the music video.

‘What the fuck is Jaebum’s hair?’

‘I can’t believe they ever looked this un-stylish.’ Bambam sighed.

‘Your dad wears bucket hats what were you expecting.’ Jungkook tells him.

‘So does yours.

‘Touche.’

‘Sorry are we going to ignore the fact that your parents are shimmying?’ Jimin asks.

‘I’m honestly too stunned to talk about that right now.’ Jackson sighs, still watching the video, unable to look away.

‘What a bop, though.’ Hobi grins.

‘Yugyeom, you’ve been silent this entire time. what is wrong with you, why aren’t you commenting on the literal best song of the century?’ Bambam asks, turning to his brother.

‘I have an idea.’ He says, slowly.

‘What?’ bambam asks.

‘Well, most of us are dancers right? I think we should learn the choreography and perform this at the wedding.’

‘Um?’ Jackson questions his youngest brother.

‘You’re kidding, right?’ Yoongi asks him.

‘No, get this. We can embarrass them a little bit, but us all working together to learn the song and the choreo, would be a cute little project that they would probably secretly love.’

‘uh-huh.’

‘but mostly the embarrassing part.’ Yugyeom tells them.

‘and Jinyoung won’t murder us?’ Jimin asks.

‘well, we can hope not in front of a bunch of people.’ Jackson grins.

‘are you all considering this? Really?’ Mark asks, looking between the youngest kids of the two families. Various nods and yes’ come from the youngest kids.

‘I’m out. I’m busy at school, plus I don’t want to get on Jaebum’s bad side, I was going to try and get an internship with him next year.’  Yoongi tells them.

‘I’m not doing it either, I’m mom’s favourite and I don’t want to lose that.’ Mark says.

‘everyone else in?’ Jackson asks. They all say yes.

‘Let’s start then. May as well.’

**jflawless messaged DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM**

**jflawless:** hey jin, all of us and most of your kids would like to do a special performance at the wedding.

 **gourmet mom:** well i’m not writing up a schedule for a long time, but i’ll write myself a note to include some time

 **gourmet mom:** what are you performing?

 **double b:** it’s a surprise

 

**double b messaged dance king**

**double b:** hey so mark put me in charge of putting shit on the registry

 **double b:** which apparently is like

 **double b:** we write down what the jjparents want for the wedding

 **double b:** and then people will buy those things for them

 **dance king:** ,,,,,,

 **dance king:** so what you’re saying

 **dance king:**   is that we can get some shit

 **double b:** exactly

 **double b:** so, what do you want?

 **dance king:** a ps4

 **dance king:** oh, and an oculus rift

 **double b:** I want a surfboard

 **dance king:** yo that’d be chill

 **double b:** we should ask the other kids

 

**dance king messaged jflawless**

**dance king:** theoretically if you could get anything that you wanted

 **dance king:** what would it be?

 **jflawless:** i mean??

 **jflawless:** a pool table for the basement. wouldn’t have to go to shady bars to show hot girls my mad game

 **dance king:** done

 **jflawless:** ???????

 **jflawless:** what are you doing?

 **dance king:** nothing!!!!!

 **jflawless:** and a pair of wheelies

 **jflawless:** or light up sneaks, i guess i’d take either

 

**double b messaged sunshine**

**double b:** hey big brother

 **double b:** for no reason at all, is there anything that you want?

 **sunshine:** a new keyboard

 **sunshine:** oh and a cute castle bed for coco

 **double b:** sure, okay!

**double b messaged mark**

**double b:** hey, is there anything that you want?

 **mark:** are you asking for the registry?

 **double b:** i mean, yeah. i wanted to find stuff for jinyoung and jaebum but they literally have everything and can afford their honeymoon so like???

 **mark:** okay well i want one of those vacuum things. roombas or whatever. the house doesn’t get vacuumed enough

 **mark:** oh, and a new couch. our one hasn’t been the same since jackson and yugyeom were wrestling on it last time.

 **double b:** anything else?

 **mark:** and like a couple of steam gift cards, there’s a bunch of games i want

 **double b:** alright, we can do that!!!

 

 

 

 

**jflawless added dance king to TOP SECRET DON’T TELL YUG OR THE JJPARENTS**

**jflawless renamed the chat TOP SECRET DON’T TELL ~~YUG OR~~ THE JJPARENTS**

**jflawless messaged TOP SECRET DON’T TELL ~~YUG OR~~ THE JJPARENTS**

**jflawless:** hey kiddos, what are we doing for stag parties

 **jflawless:** i had an idea

 **mark:** jin asked about them last week, i’ve been thinking about it but couldn’t come up with anything

 **jflawless:** well arent you lucky to have me then

 **double b:** not really

 **dance king:** you’re sorta annoying sometimes

 **jflawless:** says you, shithead

 **mark:** anyway

 **jflawless:** right, so it’s my 19 th birthday soon

 **jflawless:** what if i plan a ‘birthday party’ to go clubbing and get a party bus or something and take the jj parents and namjin, with the kids who are old enough to go

 **double b:** but what about us, that isnt fair?

 **sunshine:** plus, isnt the point of stag parties to separate the couple and hang out with them independantly?

 **jflawless:** shit

 **mark:** no no, that’s actually a sort of good idea. if you and i, and yoongi and hobi go with mom and jin clubbing or whatever, and then the other kids do something with jaebum and namjoon

 **dance king:** but i want to go clubbing

 **jflawless:** well you can suck it

 

The remaining Park-Im’s sat in the living room of their house, minutes after Jinyoung, Jackson and Mark left to go clubbing with Jin and the oldest two Kim kids.

 ‘I can’t believe that they’re going out to have a good time and we’re stuck here.’

‘I can’t believe Jackson is doing something on his birthday instead of the usual.’

‘If we go do something, will you all shut up?’

‘what will we do?’

‘maybe we can organise with the Kims to go camping tonight. We could go to the national park. We have all the stuff we would need, I think.’

‘THAT SOUNDS FUN!’ Youngjae smiles at his dad

‘Yeah, let’s do it!’ Yugyeom agrees. ‘i haven’t seen jungkook for a little while.

‘you saw him yesterday.’

‘yesterday morning, though.’

‘you’re the worst.’

‘can we not go camping though, that sounds awful.’

‘three against one, Bambam, we’re going.’ Youngjae pointed out. Bambam sighs loudly and slump into the sofa.

‘well, we have to call namjoon and the kids first, hang on.’ Jaebum picks up his phone and starts dialling Namjoon’s number, walking out of the room. The kids all continue watching the tv, waiting for Jaebum to come back. ‘Okay, Namjoon agreed to come camping. Yugyeom and Jungkook are not to share a tent though.’

‘dammit, dad.’

‘literally no one wants to hear that shit.’

‘we would be quiet!’

‘you’re a hoe. I can’t believe we raised a hoe.’

‘you’re really surprised, knowing Jackson. And Jinyoung, really?’ Bambam asked, making a face at his dad.

‘no, I suppose not. Anyway. All of you need to go pack an overnight bag. I need to go find the tents and shit.’

‘okay dad!’

‘oh, and Bambam. One bag. One outfit, one pair of shoes. No hairdryer, no stuff to style your hair, no jewelry.’

‘but dadddddd.’

‘We’re all going in one car, there isn’t room. Plus, don’t you want to get into nature and unplug from all of that?’

‘no.’ Bambam walks up the rest of the stairs, whinging about the limits that Jaebum had set. Yugyeom, in the bed across from Bambam, had already finished putting his stuff into his bag.

‘I’m gonna go help dad find and pack all of the stuff. Hurry up.’

Bambam opened his shared closet with Yugyeom, and grabbed out his biggest bag, before starting to shove shit into it. When he’s finished packing, almost 20 minutes later, he struggles with it down the stairs and puts it next to the other bags at the front door. He goes and sits back on the couch, playing with his phone.

‘I just got a text from Namjoon, him and the kids aren’t taking their phones because he thinks it’s a good opportunity to unattach them from their phones. I think that we should do that too.’

‘dad, I really think we should take our phones, what if something happens?’

‘nothing will happen, Bambam, now shut up. Did you do what i tell you and not pack all of that shit.’

‘of course, dad, I always listen to what you say.’

‘so you don’t mind me looking in your bag then?’

‘that’s an invasion of privacy, how am i meant to trust you if you go through my things?’

‘Yugyeom, get his bag.’ Yugyeom grabs the bag and opens it, looking in.

‘Bam, you’re the worst.’ Yugyeom proceeds to pull out a hair dryer, two separate outfits, three pairs of shoes, his Nintendo DS, his laptop, three different phone chargers and two different watches.

‘I like to be prepared, sue me.’ Bambam pouts.

‘Well choose one outfit, and one pair of shoes to wear.

‘I’m fine if we leave those ones, I’m wearing the pair I want to take.’

‘Aren’t they the expensive ones?’

‘And?’

‘They might get dirty.’

‘No, they won’t, it’s not like we’re going to invade Russia in the winter.’

‘alright fine. Now everyone, phones on the table, and then take your stuff to the car. We’re picking the Kim’s up on the way there.’ Yugyeom and Youngjae both put their phones down. Bambam hesitates.

‘dad, I think we should check his pockets. And his belt, he puts shit in there sometimes too.’ Yugyeom tells his dad and Youngjae.

‘Yugyeom, you snake.’ Bambam tries to run away, but Jaebum and Youngjae grab him. They work their hands into his pockets, revealing more jewellery, his apple watch and a kindle.’

‘If you have anything else on you, I will murder you and hide your body while we’re away. Jinyoung wouldn’t mind.’

‘I don’t have anything else, chill.’

 

They arrive in the national park, about 30 minutes, with some snacks and their stuff, ready to hike the short distance to the campground.

‘Dad can you please carry me, I don’t want to get my shoes dirty.’ Bambam asks, looking down at the muddy ground.

‘You should have worn old dirty shoes. I told you they might get messy.’

‘Namjoon, will you carry me?’ Bambam turns to the other adult. He shakes his head, continuing to walk. ‘Jimin, Jungkook?’ they both shake their heads too.

‘Yugy, please. I’ll pay you. I’ll do your laundry for a month. Please.’

‘alright, fine.’ Yugyeom leans down to let Bambam onto his back. ‘you’re the worst.’

‘I didn’t think it was going to be this windy.’ Namjoon muttered.

‘Alright kids, lets set up tents, quickly please.’

‘did anyone check the weather?’ Jimin asks everyone. No one says a word, opting to look around the completely empty camp ground.

‘Well, we’re going to die.’ Jungkook tells them as they pull out their tents and begin to put them together. After twenty minutes, all of the tents were up, and everyone was sat around a fire that wouldn’t start because of the wind.

The group sit and chat, about music and the news and everything in between for almost two hours, snacking on the food that Jaebum bought, as well as Namjoon and Jaebum drinking a few beers each.

The wind makes a particularly scary noise, suddenly, and it starts pouring with rain.

‘we’re actually going to die out here. I haven’t even tried-‘ Yugyeom starts.

‘I’m going to stop you right there. If you say anything sexual, I’m going to murder you.’ Jaebum tells him. Yugyeom stays silent. Everyone shivers, still being rained on heavily.

‘are you able to drive back tonight? I don’t think I can, not in this weather.’ Namjoon grimaces, shaking his head. ‘well fuck. We’re stuck here.’ Jaebum frowns, looking between the drenched kids and the tents which didn’t seem to be doing any protecting from the elements.

‘well well well, how the turntables.’ Bambam says, pulling off his shoe and revealing a flip phone.

‘where the fuck did you get that?’

‘are you selling drugs?’

‘not the time, Jaebum.’ Namjoon puts a hand on Jaebum’s shoulder. ‘We can ask later. Can you please just call Jinyoung and tell him to get us?’ Bambam grins and quickly dials the number, holding it up to his ear.

‘hello, who is this?’

‘it’s Bambam, on my burner phone.’

‘what use do you have for a burner phone?’

‘not the point, we need you to come and get us. We decided to go camping but now it’s raining and we’re all cold. We’re at the national park closest to the house.’

‘why can’t your father drive you?’

‘him and Namjoon had too many drinks.’

‘bitch same. alright, I’ll tell the driver to turn around and come get you. we’ll be there soon. Bye, Bam.’ Jinyoung hangs up.

‘I think Mom’s wasted.’

‘I wouldn’t be surprised, honestly.’ Jaebum sighs. ‘alright everyone grab your shit, and we can go to the front, so they can get us straight away. The kids scurry to put their tents back down, and grab their other things.

Exactly half an hour later, a large bus with blacked out windows parks in front of them. The door opens, and loud dance music comes from it.

‘get in losers, we’re going partying.’ Jinyoung yells from inside the bus. They all get in quickly, dragging their things.

‘hey kids. How was your camping trip?’ Jinyoung asks sarcastically, looking between all of them, dripping wet and frowning.

‘damp.’ Youngjae answers. Jackson and Mark laugh at their younger brothers.

‘and none of you checked the weather? What idiots did I raise?’ Jinyoung asks them again.

‘You should all know better. Especially you, Namjoon. Really?’ Jin scolds them. Namjoon looks down at the floor of the bus and doesn’t answer Jin. 

‘anyway, it’s my birthday, everyone stop pouting! There’s sodas in the fridge, come dance, chill!’ Jackson grins and gestures to the fridge. We can ask the driver to turn up the heating so you don’t get sick.’

A song comes on, and Jinyoung stands up, stumbling a little.

‘I love this song!’ he begins to dance, along with Jackson. ‘come on kiddos, dance with me.’ The kids get up hesitantly, to dance with Jinyoung. Eventually, everyone is up and dancing to the music, and having a good time.

After a while, Jin and a few of the other kids sit down and relax, watching the others dance, when Jinyoung starts to pull of the sweater that he was wearing, and pulls up the t-shirt underneath accidentally.

‘mom, is that a tattoo?’ Bambam asks suddenly, staring at Jinyoung’s lower hip.

‘what the FUCK, MOM HAS A TATTOO?’ Jackson yells, running over and looking at Jinyoung’s exposed hip. All the other kids demand to see the tattoo, shocked that their mom has a tattoo.

‘why didn’t you tell us?’

‘it’s really none of your business.’

‘what does it say?’ the kids all stare at the tattoo, trying to work it out.

‘it’s the English word ‘tomorrow.’

‘why do you have the English word tomorrow tattooed on your hip?’

‘Jaebum has one too.’

‘wait what does his say?’

‘today.’

‘We got them on the day we adopted Mark. Because Jaebum, when holding Mark for the first time, Jaebum promised to love me today, as long as I promised to love him tomorrow. We thought it was nice, and we wanted to make a commitment to each other.’

‘why didn’t you just get married?’ Yugyeom asks. Mark and Jackson smack him in the arm, but Jinyoung grins.

‘We were 19, and still in college. We couldn’t afford a wedding, all our money at the time was paying to put Mark in childcare. Plus, we didn’t feel the need to get married, we loved each other enough.’  Jaebum told the kids, looking into Jinyoung’s eyes. Jackson and Bambam pretend to be sick in the corner, and laugh at each other. Jinyoung and Jaebum continue looking at each other.

‘Jaebum, show us your one!’

Jaebum pulls his pants further down, and Jin stares a little bit.

‘why is yours further down that Jinyoung’s?’ Jin asks. Namjoon smacks his husband on the arm

‘stop hitting on Jaebum.’

‘we got them there so they would touch when we hug.’

‘that’s so lame, love IS real guys, never mind about earlier.’ Jinyoung kisses Jaebum on the cheek and sits down next to Jin. he leans over to whisper in his ear.

‘thank you.’

‘for what?’ Jin asks, questioning Jinyoung. Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘you know what for.’ Jin gives him a little smile.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Guess who’s back after like 3 months AND also has messed up the updating plans.
> 
> That’s right, this bitch.  
> 
> SO HERE’S THE DEAL.
> 
> As I was writing the last part, I decided it was far too long, and was taking me too long to write. It wouldn’t have been updated until probably the end of February, or more, and honestly, I felt the need for some feedback and positive vibes to finish it, SO!
> 
> This is one of two parts, this part, is the planning of the wedding. The second part, is the actual wedding shenanigans. The last part (because I believe in even numbers) is going to be a number of scenes that take place after the wedding, including EXO and BTS and a few other familiar peeps.
> 
> I hope you all had a good Christmas and new years! I mostly did, mainly because I got accepted into the Law School of my dreams!! I’m gonna be so busy all year, and for the next 5 years, but I’m very happy that I’m going to go!
> 
>  I’m sorry that it’s been so long since I posted, and that I changed the original plan, but before I changed my mind, what was supposed to be the final part was almost 8000 words and I had a lot more to write. I hope you like this anyway.  
> 
> Also I know BTS aren't in this as much, it was hard to put them into these two parts too much, because it is the leading up to, and the actual wedding of JJP. Happy to discuss them in the comments/on twitter/tumblr and any headcannons that I have that you may wanna know about. 
> 
> archive doesn't like me posting links clearly, so find me on tumblr and twitter @fuckboibam, allie on tumblr @catladyjaebum and the hogwarts!bts tumblr @ur-a-wizard-bts


	19. A JJP Wedding - The Actual Wedding (or Pt 2 I suppose)

**gourmet mom messaged TOP SECRET DON’T TELL JINYOUNG OR JAEBUM**

**gourmet mom:** okay the wedding is in 10 days, we need to have a meeting and make sure everything is organised

 **mark:** jinyoung and jaebum are both working tomorrow afternoon, until about 5 if you can come over before then?

 **mark:** all of us will be home

 **gourmet mom:** yeah, i’ll be there.

 **gourmet mom:** i’ll probably bring a few of the kids too

 

 

Jin, and his three youngest sons showed up at the Park-Im house, at exactly 3pm the next afternoon. Mark let them in quickly, settling down at the kitchen table to discuss the wedding and plans over the next week and a half. Yugyeom and Bambam made their way down to the table, sitting next to the Kim’s.

‘Can we get you coffee, or tea or something?’ Youngjae asks their guests, walking down the stairs.

‘I’ll have a coffee.’ Jin smiles at Youngjae.

‘Do you have any biscuits or anything? I’m hungry.’ Jungkook asks.

‘Don’t be rude.’ Jin tells his youngest son, lightly hitting his arm.

‘Sorry, can I please have something to eat?’ Jungkook asks again.

‘Come on, we can find something.’ Yugyeom gets up from the table and Jungkook follows him into the kitchen.

‘Disgusting.’ Bambam says quietly as the couple walk into the kitchen.

‘Bam, do I want to know at all what’s going on with that?’ Jin asks.

‘Probably not, no.’

‘Right, well. We should probably talk about the wedding because I don’t want to think about the horrifying concept that my youngest son is as much of a hoe as I once was.’ Jimin and Taehyung gasp.

‘Mom, you weren’t.’ Jimin looks at Jin, shocked.

‘I was. I’ll tell you all about it one day. I want Hobi to hear.’ Jin tells them. ‘But anyway. We’re not here for that. What do you need to know, Mark?’

‘So who is coming?’ Mark asks.

‘Well. Jinyoung and Jaebum’s work friends all RSVP’d, so they’re coming. A few parents from the PTA that Jinyoung seemed close to last meeting, and most of their kids. And your grandparents, and us.’

‘Which parents from the PTA?’ Jimin questions.

‘Kim Junmyeon and Bae Joohyun.’

‘Wait, Bae Joohyun? As in Selugi’s mom? Chill.’

‘Not chill, Jimin. Why would you invite them?’ Taehyung almost yells. ‘they scare the shit out of me.’

‘I’m pretty sure they kill people.’ Bambam continues.

‘They don’t kill people, Bambam, don’t be silly.’ Jimin stops. ‘they kill men.’

‘All of you are idiots, they don’t kill anyone. Do any of them have plus ones?’ mark rolls his eyes at the younger kids.

‘Absolutely not. If each of them bring a date, that’s like 20 people right there. Your parents are rich, but not rich enough for that.’

‘That reminds me, you said you needed a bit more cash for something?’ Mark asks Jin. Yugyeom and Jungkook walk back into the room, holding hands. Bambam pretends to puke.

‘Yeah, I have to pay the restaurant that’s catering some money by tomorrow. I’ll get it back to you.’ Mark nods. He gets up and goes into the kitchen, grabbing a cereal box from the pantry.

‘There should be about $2500 dollars in here. How much did you need?’

‘$1500. I have the rest.’

‘Cool, okay.’ Mark pulls out 3 bundles of notes and walks back to the table, handing them to Jin.

‘Honestly though, how are you so rich. Like i know Jaebum makes a bit, and Jinyoung is pretty high up, but damn.’ Jinyoung walks into the room, putting his bag down on the table. ‘Hey, Jinyoung, we didn’t hear you coming in.’

‘I manipulated my boss into letting me have his job. And i mean, Jaebum makes more money than we can possibly spend in a lifetime from the royalties that he makes from writing three songs last year.’

‘Shit.’ Jin tells him.

‘Anyway. Can you all go away for a minute, I want to talk to Jin. And by away I mean into your bedrooms.’ The kids slowly get up and walk out of the room.

‘So, what’s up?’

‘I wanted to check how the planning is going?’

‘Planning for what?’ Jin asks.  

‘Don’t be stupid. The wedding.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘How do you know about that?’ Jin questions.

‘I heard Yugyeom talking about it on the phone to Jungkook. Anyway I want to go somewhere the night before. If I’m going to get married now we’re doing all of the bullshit.’

‘Of course, Jinyoung. Now that you know, was there anything else that you wanted?’

‘No, I trust your planning. Your wedding was cute and I can imagine you planned all of that.’

‘I did, thank you. how have you seen my wedding photos.’

‘Oh, Namjoon showed me the photo album. He was really cute about it too. That was the day he was wearing the bandana. Damn.’

‘I know, right?’

‘So when’s the wedding?’ Jinyoung asks.

‘This Saturday.’ Jin answers.

‘Wow, okay. I’m getting married. Huh.’ 

‘Why’d you sent the kids out for that?’

‘They’ve been hanging out more and getting along more since they’ve been planning this thing. It’s nice to see them like that.’

‘I don’t know how you’ve managed to convince everyone that you’re evil, but you’r

 

 

~~

 

 

 

**jaebum messaged jinyoung**

 

 **jaebum:** where are you??

 **jaebum:** the kids are being shady as fuck

 **jinyoung:** what do you mean, shady?

 **jaebum:** well bambam just brought in like, a bunch of suits

 **jaebum:** yugyeom hasn’t spoken a single word in almost 6 hours

 **jaebum:** jackson is working out, which isnt weird, but youngjae is working out with him

 **jaebum:** which is super weird

 **jaebum:** and earlier today, he was practicing the piano for a couple of hours.

 **jaebum:** i haven’t seen mark at all today. and i mean, it’s a friday. he’s always here on friday nights

 **jaebum:** and finally, i haven’t seen you since you left the house this morning

 **jaebum:** what’s going on??

 **jinyoung:** you’re an idiot

 **jaebum:** :(

 **jinyoung:** ........

 

 

**jaebum messaged jinyoung**

**jaebum:** wait holy shit

 **jaebum:** suits. youngjae playing the piano. mark asking where our passports are like a week ago.

 **jaebum:** you’re not here overnight.

 **jaebum:** we’re getting married tomorrow, huh?

 **jinyoung:** he finally gets it

 **jaebum:** i can’t wait for tomorrow

 **jinyoung:** *pukes, but like, lovingly*

 

~~

 

‘Hello, everyone, and welcome to the wedding of Im Jaebum and Park Jinyoung. I’ve known these two since they were 13 years old, and it’s an honour to FINALLY be at their wedding. For those of you who don’t know, Jinyoung and Jaebum were trainees at JYPE, who eventually debuted as a group called JJ Project.’ A significant number of the people in the audience gasped. ‘I know, shocking, right? Scary Park Jinyoung in a boyband, but I promise he was.’ The audience laughs, and Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘Okay, so. I wanted to tell you all the story of Jinyoung and Jaebum, and how long awaited this wedding is.

In late 1993, they both auditioned for JYPE. They were accepted and placed into dorms. They started training almost straight away and became the best of friends even faster.

Except, Jinyoung’s feelings for Jaebum were definitely not of the platonic kind. He wasn’t obvious about it either. Most of the staff that worked with the two of them were aware of Jinyoung’s epic crush over the years, and even had bets on how and when they would get together.

In 1996, the pair finally debuted. Unfortunately, although the title track was very popular, the sales of the record weren’t enough to allow them to make another album. And so they the pair of them decided to go to college the year after.  Jaebum, studying music production, and Jinyoung, studying Business marketing.

One day, Jinyoung decided to get over his crush on Jaebum, because if he hadn’t realised by then, then it was useless to continue to hope that something would happen. He went on a date, a really terrible one, with a guy from one of his classes.

Of course, Jinyoung got home to his shared apartment with Jaebum and told his best friend all about the worst date in the history of awful dates. When Jinyoung finished the story, Jaebum just leaned over to his best friend of five years and kissed him. Knowing Jinyoung, he probably called Jaebum an idiot, and continued to kiss him.

Jinyoung and Jaebum have been together ever since.

Since then, Jinyoung and Jaebum adopted five kids, and been together for more than 20 years, without an official wedding, or a honeymoon, or anything of the kind. Now is a good time.

Without further ado, I think that Jinyoung and Jaebum should say a few words, and we can do this marriage thing properly. Jinyoung, do you have anything to say?’ JYP finishes his speech, and looks towards the two men in front of them.

‘Jaebum. I love you, today, tomorrow, and forever. I’m so glad we got to spend the last 20 years together, and contractually, the next 50 or so. That’s all you’re getting, this has been sappy enough.’

‘Wow thanks, I love you too. Really though, I’ve been with you longer in my life than I haven’t, and I’m glad that I chose you. I’m glad that you had a crush on me, even when I was blonde and dressed like I did.’

‘I mean, I still don’t like the way you dress. You look like a barbecue uncle.’ Jinyoung interjects.

‘thanks. ANYWAY. I’m upset that I didn’t get to propose to you-‘ Jaebum stops and looks over at his kids, glaring playfully, ‘but I suppose that doesn’t really matter when we have the rest of our lives. And who knows, maybe after.’

‘god, I don’t want to deal with you for that long.’

‘mom, dad, now is really not the time.’ Jackson reminds his parents.

‘Oh right, wedding. Carry on, JYP.’ Jaebum says.

‘I mean, you pretty much said it all. Rings?’

‘I have them.’  Bambam reaches into his pocket and pulls out the two boxes.

‘Jesus, you let Bambam look after them?’ Jaebum asks his eldest son.

‘we told you that you would regret that decision.’ Jackson tells them

‘fuck, you right.’

‘Well, by the power invested in me, by whoever gave me power, I declare you both married. You may kiss, but only a little bit because I don’t want you to scar the kids.’ Jaebum and Jinyoung share a quick kiss, and then pull away.

‘Husband.’ Jaebum grins at his new husband. ‘I love you so much.’

‘Don’t be lame, but also same.’

 

‘Well, everyone. That’s that bit done. Come up and congratulate the happy couple, and then make your way over to the other side of the lake, where we have tables set up. Dinner will be in an hour and a half, but until then, there’s an open bar and some lovely company to entertain you all while we get some photos taken!’ JYP tells the crowd. ‘Now, let’s party!’

 

~~

 

‘How did you even know the story? We didn’t even know.’ Jackson asks JYP.

‘Jaebum told me at the work Christmas party about 3 years ago.’

‘And you remembered?’

‘Honestly I wrote it down for blackmail.’

‘Thanks, JYP.’

 

~~

 

‘Alright, so finally, we have a performance from the kids. And some of my kids, so I’ve heard. So take it away! Give them a round of applause!’ Jin announces. All of the kids besides Mark and Yoongi shuffle up onto stage, Jackson walking up to the microphone.

‘So, um, as many of you now know, our parents were in a boyband. About two months ago, Bambam and I came across some photos, which eventually lead us to find the song and music video of JJ Project called Bounce. And we, as a talented group of singing and dancing kids, would like to perform that song for you.’

‘Did you show them?’ Jinyoung asked his new husband.

‘No?’

‘I did!’ JYP yells across a few tables.

‘Thanks JYP.’ Jinyoung and Jaebum both sigh.

‘Anyway. We hope you enjoy this and pray that Mom and Dad wont murder us in our sleep.’

‘We love you, please don’t murder us.’ Bambam adds, before they get into their positions on stage.

-2 minutes later-

‘I think we should definitely kill them.’ Jaebum whispers to Jinyoung as the kids perform their song.

‘We’ll wait until we get back from our honeymoon. I’m having too much of a good time now.’

‘Agreed.’

 

~~

 

As the reception progressed, Jinyoung and Jaebum were getting drunker and drunker, sitting at their table with the kids and both of their parents.

‘So, Dad. Embarrassing stories about Mom, please.’

‘Oh, I have so many. When Yugyeom first called Jinyoung mom, he cried for like an hour.’

‘Bitch I trusted you.’ Jinyoung smacks his new husband on the arm. ‘I’ll tell them about the mug.’

‘no, okay I won’t say anything else. sorry, love you.’

‘The mug?’ Youngjae asks.

‘Nothing, kiddo.’

 

~~

 

‘Wait, so when did you find out about the wedding?’ Jackson asks his parents.

‘I knew a couple of days after the dinner that we had at the Kim’s house. Maybe a week later tops.’ Jinyoung shrugs, taking a sip of his drink.

‘So like the entire time?’ Yugyeom asks.

‘Yeah basically.’

‘How is it possible that you’ve known since the start, basically, and dad only worked it out yesterday?’

‘Kids, your dad is a moron. I had a crush on him for years before he got the hint.’

‘You had a crush on me? That’s embarrassing.’

‘We’re married.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes.

‘Yeah, we are.’ Jaebum answers, smiling at Jaebum.

‘I think I’m going to puke.’ Jackson complains.

 

~~

 

Jackson, Bambam, and Hobi, as well as three of the Kim-Wu kids stared across the room at the Bae girls, trying to work out how to talk to them.

‘Has anyone been able to talk to any of the Bae girls yet?’ Chanyeol asks, staring over at them. They seem uninterested, picking at their fingernails and chatting quietly amongst themselves.

‘Oh, Youngjae was talking to them earlier. Oh and he’s going back. I’m gonna see if I can go over there. Joy has been looking so cute lately with her new haircut.’ Jackson told the table.

‘Be careful, Baekhyun heard from someone last week that Seulgi punched some dude in the face for hitting on Joy.’  Jackson nodded and got up from the table.

‘Hey girls. Having fun?’ Jackson asks after approaching their table slowly.

‘Don’t talk to us.’ Wendy tells Jackson, without even looking up from her nails.

‘Alright sure.’ Jackson walks back to the table with the boys and sighs, sitting back down.’

‘Good work.’ Baekhyun grins and slaps Jackson on the back.

‘Shut up, she was vicious.’

‘I’ll try.’ Chanyeol gets up from the table and gets halfway over to the table before Seulgi looks over briefly and mouths the word ‘no.’ he quickly turns around and goes back to the table.

‘Why is Youngjae so fucking good at this. I’m cute and like dogs.’ Jongdae complains, staring at him across the room, animatedly chatting with the girls. He says something and gets up from the table, and walks towards one of the other tables. Jackson quickly yells for his younger brother to come over to the table.

‘Oh hey, Youngjae, how do we talk to the girls? They keep telling us to go away.’ Bambam asks his brother.

‘They’re pretty normal girls. Just be nice.’

‘okay. Well do you think you could introduce us?’ Chanyeol questions.

‘No no, they wont talk to you, they’ll kill you.’

‘What if I take Coco?’

‘I mean, you can try. Probably won’t work.’ Youngjae says. ‘but by all means, try it.’ Youngjae gives coco’s lead over to Jongdae, who walks straight over to the girls table. While he approaches, all the girls hand some money over to Seulgi.

‘What’s all the money for?’

‘We were betting on which one of you idiots would come over next.’  Seulgi answers, putting the money into her bag.

‘Oh okay. Well can I sit?’

‘Do you have any reason why we should say yes?’

‘Um. I brought the dog.’

‘Leave the dog. Bye.’ 

 

~~

 

‘So, Jinyoung and Jaebum. You’re going to the Bahamas for your honeymoon. Unfortunately we couldn’t get you a flight until tomorrow, so you’re gonna go back to your house, and the kids are gonna stay at mine and Junmyeon’s house while you’re gone. Tonight too, so you can uh, have the house to yourselves.’ Jin tells the newly married couple.

‘it’s not like it would matter anyway, they would do it whether we were there or not.’ Yugyeom rolls his eyes.

‘you’re god damn right.’ Jaebum tells his youngest son.

 

~~

 

While the wedding was  beginning to wind down, Jin was still running around, trying to get stuff done and organised, as well as checking on everything. Finally, Namjoon managed to convince him to sit down and have a drink.

‘I’m so tired. Why did I agree to do this again? I remember our wedding.’

‘I know you’re tired, babe. But everything is done, you can sit down, have a drink. Jinyoung and Jaebum look like they’re having the time of their lives. The happiest I have ever seen them.’ Jin drains his glass of champagne and puts it back down on the table. Namjoon takes another off a passing waiter’s tray and puts it down in front of his husband.

‘I love you, Namjoon. So much. Thank you for putting up with my crazy, I can’t imagine my life without you or the kids.’

 ‘I love you too. Now come on, have another drink. You don’t get to drink good Moët for free all that often.’

 

-about 4 drinks later-

 

‘So, mom, what was your wedding like?’ Hobi asks his mom.

‘Pretty... Namjoon looked so handsome. I wanted to skip the reception because I couldn’t wait to take his suit off him.’

‘Mom, ew.’

‘Don’t ew me. You kids are all disgusting too. Dont think I don’t know about all of your.... hijinks. Anyway, we had an amazing time at our wedding. We drank far too much and passed out, and it was beautiful and everyone we cared about was there. i want to have another wedding.’

‘Well, our anniversary is coming up.’

‘Fuck, let’s get married again. I love you so much.’

‘Mom, language.’

‘If you want to live another day, i suggest you be quiet. Go hang out with the kids.’

‘Which one?’ Jungkook asks.

‘All of you.’ the kids all slowly get up and make their way over to various tables around the room.

‘You’ve spent a lot of time with jinyoung recently.’ Namjoon observes, taking a sip of his drink.

‘I know, i’m sorry. I’m drunk.’ Jin leans over and places his head on his husband’s shoulder.

‘No, i like you being a bit more... aggressive.’

‘Oh. You know you could have just said that.’

‘Do you think the kids will be alright on their own for a night soon? I want to go out to one of those nice restaurants again.’

‘I just reviewed a really nice Italian place the other day, we could go there and then stay at a fancy hotel?’

‘Perfect. I can’t wait.’

 

~~

 

‘Bambam, I’m only going to say this once.’ Jinyoung tells Bambam. A long silence follows.

‘Say what once?’ Bambam finally asks, breaking the silence.

‘... I was giving you time to get out your phone to record it.’ Jinyoung tells him.

‘Oh right.’ Bambam reaches into his pocket and quickly gets out his phone.’

‘You did really well with the suits. They look really good.’ Jinyoung says.

‘Oh my god, Mom thanks, I love you, that’s all I ever wanted to hear.’ Bambam almost jumps onto Jinyoung’s lap, hugging him.

‘Get off me.’ Jinyoung shoves Bambam off him after a few seconds.

‘I mean, the only problem is that Jinyoung’s suit is white. It looks good, but I mean... He’s not a virgin.’ Jackson adds.

‘Hey, I haven’t had sex with Jaebum for more than 24 hours, that’s a lot for me.’

‘Bitch, I feel you.’  Yugyeom agrees. Everyone at the table looks at the youngest kid, horrified.

‘I don’t even want to know what you mean by that Yugyeom, you’re 15.’ Jinyoung’s mother smacks him upside the head.

‘Nothing, grandma.’ Yugyeom answers, shying away from his mom and grandma.

‘I better hope you mean nothing by that, Yugyeom.’

‘Where are these kids staying while you both are away? You better not be leaving them at home. I love my grandchildren but I don’t trust any of them alone in that house.’

‘Mark is staying at home, Youngjae and Jackson are staying at Jin and Namjoon’s place, and Yugyeom and Bambam are staying at Junmyeon’s place, I think.’

‘Junmyeon has enough kids, why are you sending him two more for almost a month?’

‘well, Yugyeom is dating Jungkook now, and I don’t think Jin would want them in the same house for an extended period of time. and I mean, Yixing and Minseok moved out this year, so there’s space forr them. We’ll give them some cash.’

‘you better be giving Junmyeon a lot of money to deal with those two.’ Jinyoung’s mom points to Bambam and Yugyeom.

‘I mean, I’m offended, but you aren’t wrong.’ Bambam shrugs.

 

~~

 

**jinyoung messaged jjp + markjae and the shitheads**

 

 **jinyoung:** i know i complained about you inviting so many people to the wedding

 **jinyoung:** but it’s all good because they bought us so much shit

 **jinyoung:** besides the stuff that you all clearly wanted, they bought some nice dishes and shit

 **jinyoung:** it’s awesome

 **jinyoung:** that shit from mean girls about people buying you things when they’re scared of you is totally true

 **bambam:** you’re welcome, mom

 **jinyoung:** i should have known that

 **jflawless:** i love you and dont want to talk about it, but shouldnt you and dad be marathon boning right now?

 **jinyoung:** we did for a while, and now we’re drinking wine and opening our presents

 **jaebum:** we put all of your ones on your beds.

 **jaebum:** except the surfboard because we couldn’t decide who that belonged to

 **double b:** it’s mine and yugyeom’s

 **jinyoung:** fuck you jaebum i told you

 **jflawless:** did you think it was mine?

 **jaebum:** yeah.

 **jinyoung:** anyway i’m gonna go bone your father again

 **jinyoung:** seeya

 **dance king:** i hate this family so much

 **jaebum:** us too fuckfaces. we’ll see you tomorrow before our flight. love you all

 **dance king:** <3

 **mark:** <3

 **sunshine:** <3

 **double b:** <3

 **jflawless:** <3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! So, actually honestly one more part and this thing is done!!  
> By the time it’s finished, I will have written almost 40000 words, which is totally wild.  
> Thank you to all of you who commented/gave kudos. Someone even drew fanart and it’s beautiful and it’s currently my wallpaper on my laptop. You can find it [HERE](https://twitter.com/666_dfitt_555/status/959256739630600192) if you want to check it out. Make sure to check it out and give it some love, it’s so good omg. (I have it saved as my wallpaper on literally all of my devices omg)  
> I really appreciate you all commenting and shit, you have no idea how much your comments meant to me, and to Allie. We have spent so long writing and discussing this fic and we’re so glad we got to share it with you all, and that so many people liked it. I’m sure I mentioned this, but this fic sorta represents us and our friendship, and when we decided to post it, we did not expect so many people to share that with us, but we’re hella grateful.  
> Some other notes:  
> I didn’t write the entire wedding, because honestly, I couldn’t be bothered.  
> I know I randomly mentioned Coco during the bit with red velvet, but my original plan WAS to write the whole wedding, in which coco walked down the aisle with Jinyoung (because he’s grown to love coco more than anyone.)  
> Jin is a food critic!! I don’t think I mentioned this, but he is like, a high up food critic that writes for a magazine. And Namjoon is a radio DJ, if I never specified that either. (I have trouble reading over what I’ve written so I can never remember what I wrote lol.)  
> Yes, I included EXO and Red Velvet in this last part. EXO bc I’m sorta trying to backdoor pilot this shit for Keeping Up With EXO, but also because I’ve been snatched by Red Velvet lately. (bad boy was a bop and I love it a lot)  
> (also, I used their stage names because I wasn’t sure if you guys would know Red Velvet because this is not a Red Velvet fic, lol)  
> This is now technically the end, with the last part being just a few little parts that I couldn’t fit in to this part, and general scenes from the rest. I’ll be sure to add more Namjin scenes in there. I hope you liked this bit though!!


	20. Extras

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here you are! In no particular order, some scenes that take place in the universe, both before and after the rest of the plot of this fic.

**_Game night with the Kim Family, 2017_ **

****

‘We should play Just Dance after dinner.’ Jin tells his husband and kids.

‘Mom, no. We all know how that went last time.’ Taehyung groans, remembering the Just Dance Incident of 2016.

‘I think we’ve all matured since then. You’re all old enough to play a game without cheating or hurting each other on purpose.’

‘Mom, I was going to play Overwatch tonight...’ Jungkook complains, sitting back in his chair.

‘That’s just too bad, Kookie, I suppose I will win Just Dance again and again. It’s a shame that my kids just aren’t as talented as me at dancing...’ Jin trails off, clearly trying to convince the kids to play with him. It works, because Jungkook immediately sits up and looks over to Jin.

‘You’re on, mom. I can’t believe you think you’re better than I am.’

 

~~

 

‘Jimin, it was an accident, I swear.’ Jungkook says, looking over at Jimin, who is sitting on the floor. Taehyung and Hobi standing next to him holding an ice pack to his head.

‘So what, you just happen to hit me in the head with your Wiimote at the last second when I’m winning?’ Jimin asks, rubbing his forehead.

‘It was an accident!!!’ Jungkook tries to tell him again.

‘NO IT WASN’T!’ Jimin yells at his youngest brother.

 

 

//

**_JJ Parent’s Honeymoon, 2018_ **

 ‘You know Yugyeom’s dumb ass would love that waterslide.’ Jaebum says to his new husband, watching a bunch of kids going down the huge waterslide across from the pool.

‘What a fucking idiot. I miss him.’ Jinyoung sighs, taking a sip of his cocktail.

‘You don’t think he can feel it, do you?’ Jaebum asks. ‘Like that we’re thinking about him, I don’t want him to know that I miss him.’ Jinyoung rolls his eyes at Jaebum and leans back in the chair.

‘Jaebum sometimes I truly believe you are the biological father of these children. They’re almost as dumb as you.’

‘Thanks, dear.’

~~

Jinyoung and Jaebum found themselves at a street market, looking through all of the handmade clothes. Neither would admit it, but they were looking for souvenirs for the kids.

‘Oh my god, look at this shirt. It’s hideous.’ Jaebum pulls a shirt off the rack and shows Jinyoung.

‘it screams Bambam, let’s buy it.’ Jinyoung pauses momentarily, thinking. ‘Let’s also get one for Jackson so he has to pretend to like it.’

‘You’re so mean, I love you so much.’

‘Thanks, I guess you’re alright’

 

 

//

**gourmet mom messaged mark**

**gourmet mom:** this is the fourth time this week that tae has come home talking about you

**gourmet mom:** mark this and mark that

**gourmet mom:** can you stop flirting with my son??

**mark:** i’m not flirting with your son

**mark:** we just get along really well

**gourmet mom:** read: flirting

**mark:** like you can talk tho

**mark:** you  flirt with my brother all the time

**gourmet mom:** no i don’t!!

**mark:** you added him on snapchat

**gourmet mom:** i’ll have you know he posts great fitspo pics

**mark:** shirtless

**gourmet mom:** okay fine

**gourmet mom:** i’ll stick to flirting with your dad then

**mark:** fine, thank you

**mark:** wait no don’t

 

//

 

 

**_Jackson Wang and the Tinder Incident_ ** **_™, 2017_ **

Mark was casually sat in one of his university’s libraries studying, when one of the girls in his class walks up to him.

‘Hey, is this you in this kid’s tinder profile?’ she turns her phone to Mark, to show him the Tinder profile of Jackson. The photo in question, was after one of his fencing competitions where he was walking around shirtless in the locker room after, and Mark happened to be in the background talking to their parents.

‘Yeah, that’s my younger brother. Can I have a look at his profile?’

[[Tinder Profile]](https://shitwifeswapsays.tumblr.com/post/171742049208/did-i-do-the-extra-thing-and-make-a-tinder-profile)

Mark hands the phone back, barely able to control his laughter.

‘Can you please send me a screenshot of that and all the pictures. I want to show my Mom.’

‘Sure thing, Mark. Hey, have you done the readings for Oh’s class?’

‘Honestly didn’t know there was one. Thank you so much for the screenshots, my mom will actually die laughing.’

~~

**mark messaged jinyoung**

 

**mark:** hey mom

**mark:** jackson has tinder

**jinyoung:** omg

**mark:** here

**mark:** [screenshot]

**mark:** [screenshot]

**mark:** [screenshot]

**mark:** [screenshot]

**jinyoung:** i chose the right favourite

**jinyoung:** i’m gonna text these to jaebum and print out a bunch of copies

**jinyoung:** what time are you gonna be home?

**mark:** i’ve finished my classes now, i was just gonna study for a while but this is so much better

**jinyoung:** get home quickly the shitheads will be home in an hour and a bit.

**mark:** omw

~~

Mark, Jaebum and Jinyoung are all sitting at the kitchen table when the kids arrive home from school.

‘Hey, mom, dad, mark. What’s up?’ Jackson asks, walking over and putting his bag down.

‘We discovered something interesting today, Jackson.’

‘should we go upstairs?’ Youngjae asks his parents, looking concerned.

‘No, you should all definitely stay for this. Come, sit down.’ The kids all hesitantly walk over and sit down at the table. Jinyoung pulls out a stack of papers and hands one to each of the kids. They all look down at the printed screenshot and start laughing. Jackson gets up from the table.

‘Gotta blast.’ He starts walking quickly to the stairs.

‘if you go up to your room, you’re grounded for two weeks. We just wanna talk.’ Jackson sits back down at the table and sinks into his chair.

‘I just wanted you all to know how incredibly lame your brother is.’

‘How did you even get these???’

‘A girl in my class saw me in the background of a photo and asked me about it.’

‘Well fuck. Are we done here? I have homework and want to drown myself in the bath.’

‘sure, Jackson. You can go. But I’m framing this and putting in the hallway.’

‘Mom, please don’t.’ Jinyoung just smirks at his son.

‘Alright, homework, kids. Not all of you can get by on just your talent and good looks. You all need to get real jobs.’

 

~~

A week later, Jinyoung had managed to steal Jackson’s phone and was sat on the couch with Jaebum, trying to unlock it.

‘Let me try.’ Jinyoung hands Jaebum the phone, who swiftly types in the code 6969, and the phone unlocks.

‘I don’t know if I’m more concerned about you coming up with that code, or him honestly.’ Jaebum hands the unlocked phone over to Jinyoung.

‘what are we gonna do with this?’

‘Well first, change his Tinder photos to the photo of him with the bad haircut from 2013. And then we’ll have a look around.’

~~

‘What have we released onto this wretched Earth?’ Jinyoung says as he scrolls through messages of Jackson sexting a girl from Tinder.

‘He gets good grades and is a champion fencer of his age group. Aren’t you being a little harsh?’

‘Yeah, I suppose.’ Jinyoung sighs.

‘Plus I’m not going to lie, I’m a little bit proud.’ Jaebum adds. Jinyoung softly hits his arm.

‘Oh, now I get it, YOU’RE the reason they’re fuckbois.’

‘I think it was a joint effort.’

  
  
~~

 

Jinyoung and Jaebum were in the middle of Snapping Yugbam and Jackson’s other friends when the phone started ringing with a call from Youngjae.

‘Jackson’s phone?’ Jinyoung asks, sarcastically.

‘mom, get the fuck off my phone and stop messaging my friends.’

‘you’re literally in the house, stop being so extra and just come tell me.’ The phone hangs up, and seconds later, Jackson is standing in front of Jinyoung and Jaebum in the living room.

‘Give me back my phone. What about my privacy, mom? Did you think about how this could scar me for life. What if I can never trust anyone again?’

‘If you were so concerned about privacy, you should have used a better password.’ Bambam and Yugyeom, who were sitting at the table doing homework, both pull out their phones and change their passwords. ‘I thought we told each other everything in this house, Jackson, I’m disappointed.’ Jackson rolls his eyes.

‘How did you even get into my phone?’

‘Really unimaginative password, kiddo.’ Jaebum tells him.

 ‘Oh also, Jackson that girl who says that she’s a fencing medallist, she’s catfishing you.’

‘How would you know?’

‘Because as if a girl that hot would be interested in you.’

‘How would you even know she’s hot?’

‘Why did we adopt so many boys. They’re so stupid. Girls would have been so much better. Just look at Irene’s kids.’

‘Bitch you right.’

 

//

 

**_Best Father Mug, Park-Im Family, 2014_ **

On Mother’s day of 2014, the kids had bought Jinyoung a mug. Not just any mug, a cheap mug from the closest convenience store to the Park-Im house, that had proudly proclaimed Jinyoung ‘Best Mom Ever.’ As much as Jinyoung and Jaebum both had a taste for the more expensive things in life, both parents had appreciated the gift, naming Jinyoung the best mom. Jaebum figured that he would be getting a similar mug for father’s day, a couple of months later.

Except he didn’t, because that Father’s Day, Jinyoung was once again, given a mug, that this time said ‘Best Dad Ever.’

Jaebum did not find this fair at all. How dare they give Jinyoung both. Was he not a good dad?

‘That’s not fair, where’s my mug??’ Jaebum finally says at dinner that night, after managing to be silent on the topic all day.

‘We thought you wouldn’t appreciate as much as Mom would. We have a different present for you, it just hasn’t arrived yet.’ Jackson tells Jaebum. Jaebum sighs quietly, and goes back to moping over his dinner.

 

~~

 

Three days later, Bambam and Yugyeom were sitting at the table doing their homework when Jaebum got home.

‘Hey dad! Jinyoung isn’t home yet, can you help us with this homework?’

‘I’d love to, but unfortunately I’m not the best Dad so no, fuck you.’ Yugyeom and Bambam look up at each other. and go back to their homework. Jaebum puts his things down on the table and goes straight upstairs to his studio.

‘We messed up.’ Yugyeom sighs, watching his dad stomp up the stairs.

~~

‘It’s been two weeks and Dad is still upset. You all need to fix it, I told you he wouldn’t find it funny.’  Mark tells his younger brothers, rolling his eyes.

‘It’s alright, I’ll fix it. Can I borrow some money?’ Yugyeom asks his oldest brother. Mark complains briefly but hands Yugyeom over some money. ‘Thanks Mark. Bam and I will be back soon.’

~~

During dinner that night, Yugyeom and Bambam are waiting for a good time to talk to their dad, who is still sulking about the mug.

‘Hey, dad. We bought you something!’ Yugyeom and Bambam grab a bag from the floor, and hand it to Jaebum. Jaebum takes a box out of the bag and puts it down on the table.

‘what’s this?’ Jaebum asks.

‘We felt bad that you didn’t find our joke very funny, so we bought you something to make you feel better.’ Jaebum opens the box to reveal a mug, that has the words ‘Best Daddy in the World’ emblazoned across it. Jinyoung almost instantly starts laughing harder than the kids had seen in a long time.

When he finally stops, he quietly says ‘Oh, I agree.’ The older kids cringe.

‘You two are the worst.’ Mark turns to his youngest brothers.

‘Isn’t daddy father in English?’ Yugyeom asks. Mark facepalms.

~~

At dinner the next Father’s day, Youngjae hands both parents a box each.

‘Mom, dad. I bought you both something from all of us.’ Jinyoung and Jaebum both hesitantly unwrap the boxes, to reveal mugs that say ‘Both My Dads are the Best in the World.’

‘And you fuckfaces wonder why he’s our favourite.’

//

**_How Namjin forgot the kids, 2017_ **

‘The house is so quiet this afternoon.’ Jin sits down on the couch next to his husband.

‘I know, where are the kids?’ Namjoon asks.

‘.....’ Jin stares at Namjoon briefly. ‘I thought you were going to pick them up from school?’

‘I thought YOU were going to pick them up?’

‘....... I’ll be back.’ Namjoon jumps off the couch and runs to the door, grabbing the keys. ‘Sorry, love you.’ Namjoon closes the door behind him.

****

_//_

****

**_How Bambam became Bambam (sorta) Park-Im family, 2014_ **

 

The Park-Im family were sitting in their living room at 3pm, watching a movie together

‘Did you name him Youngjae because it’s a combination of your names?’ Yugyeom asks. Jaebum pauses the movie and looks over at Jaebum.

‘Why didn’t you call me Jinbum then?’

‘Because that’s a stupid name.’ Bambam says.

‘As if bambam isn’t just as stupid.’ Jackson adds.

‘Bambam isn’t my real name though.’

‘What do you mean that it isn’t your real name?’

‘What is his real name?’ Jaebum whispers to Jinyoung.

‘I don’t remember, that’s why we call him Bambam.’ Jinyoung answers.

‘You know it, right Yugyeom?’ Yugyeom frowns and shakes his head. ‘I hate all of you. how do you not even know my name?’ Bambam gets up and storms out of the room.

‘Well there’s no need to be dramatic about it.’

‘You literally forgot his name.’

‘Well so did you.’

  
(The Park-Im’s spend the rest of the day guessing random names. None of them get it right.)

_//_

**_Yoongi and his family of stalkers, Kim family, 2015_ **

****

**tae created where in the world is kim yoongi?**

**tae added jimin, hobi, kookie and rm**

**tae:**  hey have any of you seen yoongi?

**rm:** doesn’t he have class right now?

**jimin:** he said he did, but tae and i checked his schedule and he doesn’t have a class today at all

**rm:** um.

**rm:** i have no idea

**hobi:** and he’s not recording anything right now?

**rm:** no, definitely not.

**tae:** well next week, i’m going to follow him and see what he gets up too.

 

**~ the next week ~**

 

**tae messaged where in the world is kim yoongi**

**tae:** so far, he’s just met up with a bunch of different friends that i’ve never seen before

**tae:** and then i lost track of him because he kept just walking around the mall, going up and down the escalators.

**tae:** i’m pretty sure he went in and out of every store in the mall without buying anything except coffee

**hobi:** weird

**rm:** he’s up to something

**kookie:** can i follow him next week?

**jimin:** sure as long as i can follow him the week after

 

**~ the week after that ~**

  
**kookie messaged where in the world is kim yoongi**

 

**kookie:** so i’ve followed him onto three trains

**kookie:** he’s just riding them end to end and then getting on another one.

**jimin:** what a weird dude

**tae:** he must be up to something

**rm:** i mean, he hasn’t said anything to your mom and i

**rm:** maybe he just wants to spend some time alone?

**rm:** this is a bit of a crazy house sometimes

**jimin:** ......

**hobi:** nah

**tae:** maybe next week he’ll reveal his master plan

**jimin:** i hope so, that would make for a fun afternoon

 

**~ another week later ~**

**hobi messaged where in the world is kim yoongi**

**hobi:** any updates, jimin?

**jimin:** he just spent the last 30 minutes throwing coins into a fountain

**jimin:** like so many that i’m wondering how he possibly could have collected that many

**kookie:** i don’t want to say it, but i think he’s a psychopath

**jimin:** what does that have to do with anything?

**kookie:** for all we know, he drowned some guy in that fountain and he’s paying for his sins with the coins

**tae:** if his sin is killing a dude, he’s gonna need a lot of coins

**jimin:** shitshitshitshit i’ve been spotted

**tae:** good luck comrade

 

-10 minutes later-

 

**rm:** updates?

**jimin:** can all of you stop following me now?

**jimin:** it’s been fun to fuck with you but i just want to hang out by myself for a while **-yg**

**rm:** not to brag but i told yall

**tae:** alright dad we get it

**jimin:** yoongi and i will be home in about an hour

**rm:** have fun!!

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally finished, and what a wild ride it has been. Thank you for commenting, kudos-ing, following me on tumblr, twitter, all that. 
> 
> To further prove that i have no self control, i started another tumblr called ‘shitwifeswapsays’ where ill post a few extra headcannons, and reblog tumblr posts that remind me of wife swap. Even with the last 4 parts, there is so much more in this universe that Allie and I have discussed but never got to include. 
> 
> Finally kids, for those interested in Keeping Up with the Kim-Wu’s, it’s definitely coming. I have some stuff written, but it’ll definitely be making its debut within the next two months. I’ll post on tumblr and twitter when i post it, but otherwise just keep an eye out. It’s wild y’all, and I really hope you like it. 
> 
> Peace, my homies, it’s been lit.

**Author's Note:**

> This whole thing is thanks to my favourite person in the world who came up with the scenario and helped me write a lot of the dialogue as it is in the fic. I hope you enjoy this garbage like we do :) Thanks for reading!


End file.
